When to bring up the big c?


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Holiday_HH is offline Holiday_HH Post #21  February 9,2012, 6:18am
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katestein wrote :
So I am officially dating the guy I had previously asked about in December... everything is going well and I trust him, but I do have a question. I was diagnosed with cancer a year and a half ago and haven't dated anyone since that, to me, was important enough to tell about it. I'm currently in remission and generally in good health, but it has really changed the way I live my life and is a big reason as to why I've chosen to go into nursing. I've had several surgeries, two of which he sort of knows about but he doesn't really know why I had them.

In the past he has given me a hard time about not being open with him and telling him things about myself. He's a very open person and while I consider myself to be as well, I don't just spew out facts about myself if it doesn't come up naturally in conversation. This is one of those things that I think he'd really want to know about. However, I'm nervous about it and I can't figure out why exactly. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed, I'm proud to be a survivor! But I tend to find it shifts the way people view me and I guess I don't want his perspective to change or to freak him out. How should I go about discussing this? Should I wait some more or is this something I should tell him asap? We have a date on Saturday and I've been thinking about mentioning it then.
I wanted to weigh in here because this is directly related to my recent experiences. I think that, while it is ultimately up to you when you are comfortable sharing this information, I think as soon as you are considering a long-term thing it should come up. I can't really give you any advice in HOW to tell him but I think it needs to be said. Regardless of whether a person is in remission or not - this may be a life-altering price of information. It takes time for the their person to process. As the other person - you need to have time and space to decide whether this is something you can handle or not. I think if it's too far into the relationship and you tell the person the reaction may not be as...objective (not sure if that's really the best word to use). Let me try to explain. Let's say our partner had experienced this before and knows that they cannot handle it again - this is something that you need to know in order to make sure you are with the best person for you long term. But I think the longer you are together, the harder it will be to consider the actual issue at hand.

I know this probably sounds harsh (and convoluted) but I've been in this place before. Having an illness/condition/whatever... You need to surround yourself with people that can and will support you. A number of years ago I was told that I needed a kidney transplant. I was lucky - I had the transplant and it worked. I felt fine and life was great. I met someone and we started "dating". Things were not serious until one day they really were. I told him about the surgury - he was upset that I hadn't told him before. After a few long discussions he sad he felt trapped by this - we were in love so he didn't really have a choice but to deal with it did he? (harsh, I know - he was angry but we got past it). And then I got sick again and I think, even though he truly never said anything and really didn't mean to, he got resentful because we were young and he was spending a lot of his life in the hospital with me. I eventually broke up with him because I didn't think we would be able to recover from it. Now, looking back, I wonder if I had given him enough of a chance to come to terms with it.

I don't say this to scare you or guilt you into telling someone you're by ready to tell. But - I think that you really need to allow the other person to come to terms with what they could potentially be signing up for. That's not something that needs to be addressed if the unspeakable happens.

Just my two cents though.
 
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jov27 is offline jov27 Post #22  February 9,2012, 6:45am
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I like Emma and Ingy's advice to bring it into the conversation when it seems natural. A simple, "oh I'm a cancer survivor, too' or whatever, if there's something triggering the feeling of secrecy. If nothing comes up and you want to tell, then go ahead. His response is his business, and you can't really control it.

I hope that when you do have a talk that things go well and that it brings you both closer in feeling more trust and intimacy.
 
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Bethiegirl is offline Bethiegirl Post #23  February 9,2012, 9:20am
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I agree with those who say you need to tell him. I totally understand why you wouldn't want to tell him early on in the relationship, but it seems that you are thinking that this could turn into a very long-term relationship, so it's time to tell him. Tell him in a way, place, and time that feels right and comfortable to you. Be very honest with him about both the good and the bad. Be prepared to answer his questions, if he has any. You should also be prepared for the fact that he may or may not be able to accept this. But it's better to be honest with him now, rather that wait until you are both far more involved.
 
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