Is it a cultural thing??


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Rocky13 is offline Rocky13 Post #1  February 7,2012, 1:14pm
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Hey every body

*

I need some advice.

I am A New Zealander and I have been dating a Girl from Iran all was going well I really like her until the third date. She said to me do you want to meet my friends I said ok cool then she goes ok only two rules you can’t kiss me or touch me!!!!!! *

First I thought ok maybe the friends are Iranian and/or Muslim so I asked. She said no they are all Italian, I just am not comfortable being affectionate in front of my friends (but she is around strangers). But I have also noticed she is not very comfortable kissing in public either e.g she pulls away sometimes when I go to kiss her.

I think the issues for me are I am a affectionate guy, to not even hold her hand in front of her friends might be hard for me and two I am going to have to act like somebody ells every time her friends are around?? * *

I told my best mate, his advice was to ask her on the next date what she expects from the relationship and she if it’s good enough for you, she must know that most western guys are affectionate in public.

What does every one ells think?

Thanks Rocky *
 
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emma_hazards is offline emma_hazards Post #2  February 7,2012, 5:48pm
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How old are you? What's her age? Where do you live?

If you genuinely like her, I would continue to date her rather than throwing in the towel immediately. Breaking up because she won't hold your hand in front of some of her friends seems somewhat silly, immature, and culturally blind to me. Most couples find some compromise that works for both. You will never be perfectly aligned with everyone you date, even another New Zealander. Learning to compromise and respectfully deal with your partners' values is a key relationship skill, regardless of cultural background, and one that you need to perfect anyway. So is being sensitive to when your partner becomes uncomfortable with a particular behavior (e.g. kissing in public).

BTW, how is not holding hands in front of certain people hiding who you are? I'm going to guess that, like most guys, you scratch your crotch in private. Do you refrain from that behavior in front of others? Does that mean you're hiding the real you? Are you acting like someone else then? Is it more important that people think you love each other and/or that other guys think that she is unavailable (external appearances such as holding hands and publicly kissing) -or- that you both know that you love each other?

FWIW, some Westerners are affectionate. Some aren't. Some aren't in public. I've experienced the full range among men. Don't assume that everyone is just like you. Assumptions create problems in relationships.

Best of luck!

Love South Island by the way. One of my favorite places!
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #3  February 7,2012, 7:11pm
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hard to say....

your ages matter. If you are both rather young like in your early 20s, or she still lives with her parents then she is very conservative in expressing affection, and sex may also be an issue with her too.
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #4  February 7,2012, 7:19pm
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VERY VERY different cultures if she is Muslim, is she ? If she is I am surprised that she let you kiss her, she must be very liberal. You might be fighting an uphil battle there ....
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #5  February 7,2012, 8:33pm
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Rocky13 wrote :
Hey every body

*

I need some advice.

I am A New Zealander and I have been dating a Girl from Iran all was going well I really like her until the third date. She said to me do you want to meet my friends I said ok cool then she goes ok only two rules you can’t kiss me or touch me!!!!!! *

First I thought ok maybe the friends are Iranian and/or Muslim so I asked. She said no they are all Italian, I just am not comfortable being affectionate in front of my friends (but she is around strangers). But I have also noticed she is not very comfortable kissing in public either e.g she pulls away sometimes when I go to kiss her.

I think the issues for me are I am a affectionate guy, to not even hold her hand in front of her friends might be hard for me and two I am going to have to act like somebody ells every time her friends are around?? * *

I told my best mate, his advice was to ask her on the next date what she expects from the relationship and she if it’s good enough for you, she must know that most western guys are affectionate in public.

What does every one ells think?

Thanks Rocky *
Rocky,

There are no doubt some cultural things in play here especially if you're not Muslim and she is.

In addition, a few things don't add up either - that she doesn't want to be touched in front of her friends but is sort of ok with it in front of strangers.

You have to decide if you want to take a risk and try to get to know her better while respecting the no public touching/kissing request. Ultimately, though, it may not work out since you're so openly affectionate.

I am openly affectionate as well - I hug family members and friends when we meet, and enjoy when my guy holds my hand across the table at dinner or while we're out shopping, etc. I'd have a difficult time stifling that part of my personality even if I wanted to try to.

Probably the best way for you to figure things out is to talk with her. Try to get to the root of why she feels this way. If it's not religion, then what is her motivation? Perhaps she was hurt or abused? You won't learn anything about her if you don't attempt to discuss it with her.

I wish you the best on this.

-Tink
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #6  February 7,2012, 8:42pm
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Good points tink333. It is most probably religion based. As they start to break barriers, they are braver when they know no one else will see them, but, when their friends are there, it is a different ball game.

OP needs to make sure of the reason though .... he might be in for a lot more effort then he thought he would be expected to show if it is religion based.
 
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notyet is offline notyet Post #7  February 7,2012, 9:27pm
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Rocky13 wrote :
What does every one ells think?
i think that in the long term, the cultural differences will be almost impossible to overcome.
 
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TryingHardToNotTrySoHard is offline TryingHardToNotTrySoHard Post #8  February 7,2012, 9:40pm
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I think Emma had a great answer. The most important thing here is that you evaluate what you really want out of this, why showing affection is really important to you, and then talk about it with her. It's possible this is a deal-breaker, especially if you're around her friends a lot and she refuses to change her rule. One thought is that if she's Muslim, she may be more afraid of her parents finding out than her friends seeing it. Also, if she's young, it's possible that affection she shows you is at least partially rooted in rebellion more than affection. I'd hope not, but it just seems reasonably likely to me. Open, honest communication is the key here. Best of luck!
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #9  February 8,2012, 4:37am
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If these are her values inwardly regardless of who "the public" is...either you respect them or you don't.
Forcing her to engage in public displays of affection won't work. If this is integral for you...it won't work.

Your mates and others are not her...and have no business having an opinion on what "she should do" to please western guys......It's not who's right or wrong here...it's just incompatibility

Find someone who shares your values and enjoys being affectionate in public......Good Luck...
Rocky13 wrote :
I have been dating a Girl from Iran all was going well I really like her until the third date.
She said to me do you want to meet my friends I said ok cool then she goes ok only two rules you can’t kiss me or touch me
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #10  February 8,2012, 6:15am
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In reference to the question in your title, there maybe some underlying cultural issues to her views on PDA but there are also people who are not comfortable with PDA that have nothing to do with culture, it is just their personality.

I find it odd (interesting) that she is comfortable with PDA around strangers but is extremely "hands off" around her friends. This is starting to raise a number of small red flags that have nothing to do with the PDA thing.

Following the tangent of the others, I would say that you are likely going to have other larger issues based on cultural and religious differences than just the PDA thing.
 
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