It rhymes with the word "Agape"


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Herkemer is offline Herkemer Post #1  February 6,2012, 9:39pm
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So I went out with a girl today (first date). It was a pretty standard date, lunch, then since we clicked over lunch, I took her bowling. Fun times, and after bowling we went to a park nearby and we walked around for a while.

We are talking more, pretty normal conversation. When all of the sudden, the conversation turns just like this. (To the best of my memory.)

Her - So are you pretty comfortable intimately?

Me - Are you, more specifically, asking if I have any intimacy issues?

Her - Yeah, actually.

Me - I don't, in a committed relationship I am very comfortable with intimate life.

Since she had asked me the question, my curiosity was piqued. I could tell by the out-of-nowhere style of the question, along with body language queues, that for some reason she wanted me to ask her the same thing back; so I did.

Me - How about you?

Her - Well, a few years ago when I was 18 I was [raped -- correction by moderator] So whenever I feel things are getting heated, I get really nervous and tend to shut down.

I admit I was pretty blindsided, I never imagined this would be brought up on a first date. I am quite adept at making conversations not awkward, and I wouldn't think she possibly brought it up so that I would pry more and ask more details. So I showed no out of the ordinary reactions (body language or otherwise) and I responded accordingly.

Me - I can't imagine how tough that was to go through. Nobody can blame you for feeling that way.

I promptly changed the subject to ice cream favorites, and then took her to an ice cream place and we talked more, and then after another couple hours, dropped her off at her car.

It was a nice date, and she was funny and a nice girl. So I made some plans to see her next week. Though this has never happened to me, and I don't really know what to make of it.

Has this happened to anyone else?

What do you guys think of this? Any input?
Last edited by Sassafras54; February 6,2012 at 11:25pm. Reason: deleted filter bypass - moderator
 
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Faraday is online now Faraday Post #2  February 7,2012, 6:17am
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I think sometimes people tell us things on the first date to get it off their conscience...she probably really likes you and wanted to be upfront so that if you're going to bail on her, you do right away. Dealing with the aftermath of rape can take a lifetime.

I haven't been raped but when I was younger one of my "friends" tried to when I was really drunk. I had flashbacks for a few years after, any time a man touched in a more assertive sexual manner. I dated someone really sexually passive for quite a while (he never initiated and always let me be in control) and eventually I forgot about it...to the point that writing this triggered that memory...wow, I totally forgot about that Holy carp.

If you like her and want pursue this further, just know that you'll need to be patient and gentle. Hopefully she's had counseling to deal with the anger and the guilt. Take it one day at a time.
 
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Lenci2525 is offline Lenci2525 Post #3  February 7,2012, 6:58am
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I agree with Faraday...she was just trying to let you know from the beginning what was going on with her in case it goes further. You're going to have to approach this dating/sexual situation very delicately until she feels more comfortable with you. I wish you the best of luck because it's not going to always be easy. In the past I dated a guy that was molested when he was a child and it took therapy and a lot of patience from me for him to finally be comfortable sexually with me.
 
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brokensmile76 is offline brokensmile76 Post #4  February 7,2012, 6:59am
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Yea, I believe she wanted to get it off of her chest by giving you the option to walk away now or to stick around and see what develops. I admire her for being so forth coming.

You say it happened when she was 18, how old is she now? Has it been a few years? Hopefully she has gotten some counseling that has helped her work through it.

FYI "agape" means love and is pronounced "a-gop-ay". So you threw me off with the title of this post. lol
 
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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #5  February 7,2012, 7:05am
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brokensmile76 wrote :
FYI "agape" means love and is pronounced "a-gop-ay". So you threw me off with the title of this post. lol
lol..Brokensmile, that is the meaning of the word that came to mind when I read the title too! But upon further thought agape can also mean wide open as in 'His mouth fell agape with surprise' and that pronunciation is different (long a) and likely the one the OP was going for.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #6  February 7,2012, 7:06am
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brokensmile76 wrote :
FYI "agape" means love and is pronounced "a-gop-ay". So you threw me off with the title of this post. lol
That's from the Greek. "Agape", as used in the context of the thread title does indeed rhyme with "rape".

a·gape 1 (-gp, -gp)adv. & adj.1. In a state of wonder or amazement, as with the mouth wide open.
2. Wide open.


a·ga·pe 2 (ä-gäp, äg-p)n.1. Christianity Love as revealed in Jesus, seen as spiritual and selfless and a model for humanity.
2. Love that is spiritual, not sexual, in its nature.
3. Christianity In the early Christian Church, the love feast accompanied by Eucharistic celebration.
Last edited by mitchell175; February 7,2012 at 7:07am. Reason: grammar police :)
 
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brokensmile76 is offline brokensmile76 Post #7  February 7,2012, 7:10am
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FairOne wrote :
lol..Brokensmile, that is the meaning of the word that came to mind when I read the title too! But upon further thought agape can also mean wide open as in 'His mouth fell agape with surprise' and that pronunciation is different (long a) and likely the one the OP was going for.
Good to know. You learn something new everyday! lol
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #8  February 7,2012, 7:13am
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She probably didnt want to talk about this but because you countered with that question it came up.

I dont know how much detail she gave you but the "type" she went through would matter in how to handle it.

Before people attack me....there is a fundamental difference in how people cope/recover from it.

You could group these cases into different groups based on who it was from. Was it (1) family member, (2) a guy she was dating/trusted, (3) someone she only knew by name who was a friend of a friend or classmate, or (4) stranger

Each "type" has a different psychological component in how she can hanfle it and moves on with dating.
 
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KikiAZ is offline KikiAZ Post #9  February 7,2012, 7:37am
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I agree with above. Control issues and trust issues (vulnerability) will be ongoing issues for years even.

Also, for whatever reason she may be more actively dealing with this now. Even years later. Either trying to process and doing therapy so it's on her mind. Or you wear the same cologne. Or it's nearing the anniversary. I bet that's not something she regularly brings up then but something was going on for her.

I bet she is nervous now that she told you. If you like her, reach out and tell her you appreciate her sharing such difficult information.

Statistically, depending on your sources, 25%-33% of women will be raped or sexually abused during their lives. 1:4 of your sisters, daughters, wives and mothers.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #10  February 7,2012, 8:10am
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Herkemer wrote :
....Has this happened to anyone else?

What do you guys think of this? Any input?
No, it's not the kind of thing women have told me until I've got to know them really well and on one occasion it was something she told me was the reason why we couldn't continue.

My gut feeling is she told you this and you wont be seeing her again.

She might reflect on the fact she gave you too much personal information too early and not be comfortable with that as a starting point for a relationship. My best advice is, if she declines an offer to see you again, you accept her refusal politely/respectfully.
 
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