Brand new here and bored, want to hear my life story?


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Herkemer is offline Herkemer Post #1  February 4,2012, 8:44pm
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Okay, so you can't hear me speaking, so you technically can't "hear" me; but feel free to see this out. (See what I did there?)

That's not the point though, and I don't even know what my real point is. Let's just say that I am working a 12 hour shift, and in the past several of my 12 hour shifts I have been reading every advice article as far back as they go, along with the last few hundred threads. After this, I've decided to stop lurking the forums and add what little I have to this community.

Let's start with a short (as short as I can make it and be clear) history of how I ended up here. This post is going to be long, (I know, I just said short, right?) So if you're not up for it; it's okay, go read the other posts. No hard feelings.

I was the stereotypical guy that was in a high school sweetheart relationship. Started dating at 16, and dated after high school for a total of just under 5 years. While my relationship with said high school sweetheart was good, I never felt it would last a lifetime, which is why we never got married. What we had just worked, and it was great. Over the course of our last few months together, we just grew apart. We both felt this way, and having never dated anyone else, we decided to split up and date other people. This was the conclusion we came to after trying to identify any other problems or issues, which we could not.

I didn't think I was ready to date anyone else immediately after this relationship, so I didn't. I just went to school, and worked. Same old, same old. About a month after we split, I had the hardest (next) 5 months of my life (emotionally). While it seemed like an easy decision at the time, I began to realize what a drastic lifestyle change I was going through, and became deeply depressed. Going from seeing your best friend literally (and I do mean, LITERALLY) every-single-day for over 4 years to all of the sudden just being alone, living alone, and not seeing/talking to anyone was a very real problem.

We never spoke after splitting up, not even a single text. I didn't feel like it was appropriate to, as I felt like it would impede my ability to get over it.

Six months later, I was over it. I started to date again here and there. I was even having fun. Then she calls me one day, she was still having a hard time with us being apart, and wanted to have lunch with me. I accepted, and we had lunch, and a while later, we got back together. Good right? Not so much, as I had done all this work to get over her, and finally succeeding in my efforts, it was very hard indeed to fall back in love with her. We only dated for another 4 months before I broke up with her, saying that I was already past the era that was us and I didn't feel like it was fair to her or to me if I tried to force something that wasn't there anymore.

So I dated...

And dated...

And dated... I had no lack of potential partners, and I have no lack in my social skills and conversational abilities with girls. I dated more and more, but always with different girls.

I just didn't like any of them, like I just didn't even want to kiss them during the date, or after. Something was always off. I never felt a spark, and there always seemed to be a deal breaker in the way of my even considering asking her on a second date. So many first dates, and never seconds.

I always gathered up the reasoning to ask one out the first time, (I am a 'glass half full' type of person) and planned a fun date, always to be disappointed. They always wanted a second date, but I either politely declined or simply didn't answer calls/texts to hint that I was not interested.

So about a year later, I tried online dating. As I tend to do with most things in life, I jumped in with both feet. I am on every major dating site that I am aware of, with a decked out profile. While this increased my dates, I still haven't found a girl I've really liked enough to date more. I've been doing online dating for about a year now, (just to clarify, it's been a little over two years since I broke up with my original girlfriend)

Einstein was famously quoted as defining the word "Insanity" as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I agree with this sentiment, and I decided to change things up again. (Other than also trying online dating.) So I decided that even if I didn't feel a spark with a girl on the first date, I would ask her on a second no matter what, and see what came of it. So began a slew of girls that I also took on second dates, I never had one decline my offer for a second, so I imagine that I was doing something correctly. Alas, still no different feelings, intentions, or sparks.

From this, however, I did end up dating a few girls more than twice. One girl I dated 4 times, another one 7 times, another one 6 times, and the last one 7 times. These girls were really fun to hang around, and while I knew it wasn't anything long term, it was just fun doing going out and bowling with them or whatever we were up to.

A few I have kissed, (never on the first date, I am particular about who I kiss, that's just me) although I admit I have never become intimate with any of them. I just don't want to become intimate with anyone I don't truly like and see a long term outcome with. (Also, just me)

So here I am, under 24, passing time at work by reading about everyone's dating issues. While I doubt anyone is truly interested in this little novella I have written, any questions you have I would be pleased to answer. Maybe I have left holes in my writing? It was a rough first draft that I have not read over and typed fairly quickly; so I would be remiss to not clear up any confusion.

I want marriage, I want kids, I want a family. (Put an 'eventually' in after kids and family, I wouldn't be ready for kids right now.) I really just want to find someone I who I actually like again.

I guess my main concern stems from what can be defined as peer pressure. All of my close friends have all found someone and are married. Nearly everyone I have ever caught up with past high school are all married already as well. I feel like I am running out of time and all the good ones are already being taken. Irrational fears I am aware, but fears nonetheless.

PS: To end on a better note, I'll say a few things about myself. I play basketball three times a week with my friends (I love basketball), I am currently finishing a novel I have written and hoping to be published, and I am taking my dental school prerequisites and hope to be accepted to said dental school and solidify a career in that field afterwards.

TL : DR, I like to read and comment in forums, and I just created an account.

Hai.
Last edited by Herkemer; February 5,2012 at 12:09am.
 
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dahlimema is offline dahlimema Post #2  February 5,2012, 3:18am
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Aaah to be young again! The majority of advice you will get is to take it slow and be patient. I think the relationship you were in could be equated emotionally to being married, so lets say you are recently divorced. Most *experts say after a *loss it can take up to 2 years to get over it.
So are you ready to date? Think about it
And welcome to eha

ETA:
Are you comparing your dates to your ex-girlfriend?
Last edited by dahlimema; February 5,2012 at 3:20am.
 
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Herkemer is offline Herkemer Post #3  February 5,2012, 5:04am
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dahlimema wrote :
Aaah to be young again! The majority of advice you will get is to take it slow and be patient. I think the relationship you were in could be equated emotionally to being married, so lets say you are recently divorced. Most *experts say after a *loss it can take up to 2 years to get over it.
So are you ready to date? Think about it
And welcome to eha

ETA:
Are you comparing your dates to your ex-girlfriend?
A valid question, and one which I am happy to clarify. I am guilty of exhibiting this behavior for the first handful of dates I went on after I felt I was ready to date again. However, after realizing I was doing this, I made it a point to not ever do that.

As for the former question, yes; I believe I am ready to date again, and have held off dating until I felt sure it was true. I could elaborate on the reasons why, but I think the main point is that I have evaluated several aspects of what is commonly constituted as "ready" and feel in my opinion that I meet the criteria.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #4  February 5,2012, 6:35am
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So this is what people do at work all day long?
 
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Herkemer is offline Herkemer Post #5  February 5,2012, 6:56am
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Wiseman2 wrote :
So this is what people do at work all day long?
This particular site I've been working as of late (I work all the sites my company has contracts through, so it varies by month to month) Only requires my attention three times an hour for a brief few minutes. So I am left at a computer burning the time in between.

So "yes" would be the answer to the question you felt pertinent enough to ask; although rhetorical in its nature.
Last edited by Herkemer; February 5,2012 at 7:00am.
 
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Herkemer is offline Herkemer Post #6  February 5,2012, 7:04am
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Also I find it curious that my answer to the first post has not shown up yet, due to the requirement of being reviewed by the moderators. Yet my answer to the second post showed up immediately.

Hmmm...
 
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allurah is offline allurah Post #7  February 5,2012, 7:31am
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Herkemer wrote :
Also I find it curious that my answer to the first post has not shown up yet, due to the requirement of being reviewed by the moderators. Yet my answer to the second post showed up immediately.

Hmmm...
A word or a phrase probably triggered the mod review. Also, welcome! I am fairly new here as well as far as the post count goes, but have been visiting this site for over a year. There are many insightful and helpful people on these boards making it a wonderful community.
 
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MileHighArtist is offline MileHighArtist Post #8  February 5,2012, 7:40am
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You say you've 'dated and dated and dated' but seems to me never found anyone that you really clicked with or had a 'spark'. I'd say forget dating for awhile and simply get invovled in nondating situations. If you have hobbies then find clubs to join. You mentioned you wrote a novel and wish to publish it, check out a site like meetup.com that has writers' groups and get involved with them. Not only will you improve your writing and develop a rapport with other writers (which is a solitary craft) perhaps you will meet someone there for dating, although that shouldn't be yr main objective in joining such a group. You play basketball with yr friends, maybe join a community league/torunamnet. Maybe spend more time with friends. Find something to take your mind off dating and your past relationship. I think you are correct about the Einstein quote. Taking a break from the online/irl dating scene might be helpful. Not that you're not over your original gf, but you may just be wearing yourself thin with dating too much with it going nowhere. Keeping yourself occupied with something else for a bit maybe a good change, and then perhaps return to dating after a certain amount of time. Good luck.
Last edited by MileHighArtist; February 5,2012 at 7:44am.
 
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needbeachnow is offline needbeachnow Post #9  February 5,2012, 8:21am
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First I would say no need to worry about settling down at 24

You do sound like you are looking for perfection though... which you will never find. No one is perfect, no relationship is perfect either- you need to figure out what and who makes you happy and put work into making it work.

Maybe you should try meeting someone that you click with as friends and then move to dating since no one seems to grab your attention on a first date.
 
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insertscreenname is offline insertscreenname Post #10  February 5,2012, 8:40am
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... is like a nice warm vibratey feeling all through your guttiwuts.

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Welcome to the boards Herkemer!

Apparently you've had a rough time dating ... welcome to the club, mate! The scotch and cigars and tweed jackets are in the coatroom.

You're very young and you have many years of dating frustration and joy ahead of you. You seem like a bright lad, so try not to stress too much and enjoy being single. Don't go into any date with expectations other than having a good time and you'll do just fine.
 
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