SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #61  February 6,2012, 7:22am
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Questions like "are you looking for a serious relationship?" just put people on the defensive.
 
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KikiAZ is offline KikiAZ Post #62  February 6,2012, 7:24am
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scully98 wrote :
my plan is to take it slower next go round. I'm finally understanding the reason to wait before sex isn't just for moral reasons, which aren't valid for me because I don't feel immoral having early sex, but because it gives you time to know what a guy really wants from a relationship. and know if they're someone I could seriously date.
This. Exactly.

It's not that sex is bad.

Au contraire. It's that good sex muddies the waters.
 
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scully98 is offline scully98 Post #63  February 6,2012, 7:28am
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EXACTLY, Kiki!!! When this guy told me after six weeks of dating that he wanted to be exclusive but not bf/gf, if I didn't already know the sex was the Best Sex Of My Life I could have easily broken up with him then. But it is next to impossible for me to stop having sex like that.

The good thing is, I remember something a long-ago therapist told me when I was bemoaning breaking up with someone that I needed to end things with. My reason for not ending it was because the sex was stellar good. My therapist said that great sex comes from within me. That once I'd opened myself up to that level of sexual intensity, I could experience that with someone else. He was right. I had future awesome sex with other guys. Not everyone, of course, cause some guys just don't know their way around a woman's body. But definitely plenty of others.

So I feel like that is the same here. There were new sexual highs that I experienced with this guy that were unbelievable. Now I know where to find that intensity within myself, so I will meet someone else with which to experience that again.

Steve, you're absolutely right. I like your approach in asking those kinds of questions.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #64  February 6,2012, 7:31am
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SteveManchesterEngland wrote :
I'd ask questions like:-

"what are you looking for in a relationship?"
"what kind of relationships have worked for you?"

- an open ended question like that rather than a loaded question like "are you looking for long term?" which has an obvious indication of the answer required and a risk of being ditched if the answer isn't "yes".

I'd also, if they talk about their ex or past marriages ask relevant questions about those relationships to find out more about their character.
Virtually every single date I've ever gone on has brought up this topic in some way. There is nothing wrong or scary about it.

However, it does need to be taken with a grain of salt. They may be looking for a serious relationship, but it doesn't mean they are looking for that with you. Too many people hear "looking for LTR" and make wrong assumptions and then feel bitter and betrayed when things don't work out and they get dumped.
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #65  February 6,2012, 7:37am
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DancingFool wrote :
Virtually every single date I've ever gone on has brought up this topic in some way. There is nothing wrong or scary about it.

However, it does need to be taken with a grain of salt. They may be looking for a serious relationship, but it doesn't mean they are looking for that with you. Too many people hear "looking for LTR" and make wrong assumptions and then feel bitter and betrayed when things don't work out and they get dumped.
I think they'll be quicker to decide whether it's with you or not.

Unless the incredible sex makes them put their quest on hold...

That might still be a problem. Men could lose track of their desire for a long term relationship because (even though they know she's not The One) they can't leave until they've had her, just a few more times!

I wonder how many women really do turn out to have that problem.
 
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KikiAZ is offline KikiAZ Post #66  February 6,2012, 7:40am
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It's a hard line to walk to ask someone what level of relationship they want. I agree with this.

That said, I think people who are ready for the real deal, the meet the family and the kids and share the holidays kind, are the least likely to be scared off ...AS LONG AS you are clear that you aren't looking for just "any guy" willing to share my life but the "right guy."
 
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paintandbooks is offline paintandbooks Post #67  February 6,2012, 8:20am
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Oh, Scully, I'm so sorry!

I'd be the last person to offer advice - I mean, I'm divorced! If I knew all the answers, I wouldn't even know this board existed! - but I'm designed the opposite way from you, and didn't get hurt out there very often? As in, it takes forever for me to feel attracted to a man, so I end up with a ton of information about and experience with a person before I'm the least bit involved... So, fwiw, as far as information to get early on, I looked at when the divorce was final, and whether they had had a serious relationship, or at least one with some length, since then.

Generally speaking, and imho, a good number of people can need 3 years, even more, to totally drop baggage and whatnot. And, generally speaking, there is often a transitional person between divorce and the ability or intent to form another significant attachment, so I always liked to know they had already "been there, done that" stage. This stuff gets covered in a few minutes of light chat during the first "real" date, and that chat brings up information indicating what type of relationship they are looking for, or provides natural opportunities to ask...
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #68  February 6,2012, 8:21am
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harnomygirl wrote :
I think they'll be quicker to decide whether it's with you or not.

Unless the incredible sex makes them put their quest on hold...

That might still be a problem. Men could lose track of their desire for a long term relationship because (even though they know she's not The One) they can't leave until they've had her, just a few more times!

I wonder how many women really do turn out to have that problem.
The only way they'll decide quicker or come clean about their true intentions quicker is when they realize that they'll have to invest a lot of effort into building a friendship and a connection before they get to the fabulous sex part.

There is no reason why someone can't keep on looking for the right person for an LTR while enjoying mind blowing sex with a temp filler. Scully's bf in this case never even removed his profile from the dating site - huge clue that he was not seeing her as LTR material. It doesn't mean you can't be exclusive, it doesn't mean you are cheating or whatever, all it means is that you are still open to possibilities and should one come up, you'll dump the temp and move on easily. Mind blowing sex feels great and can be addictive, but ultimately by itself is not enough - there is no deeper connection there to sustain an LTR.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #69  February 6,2012, 9:13am
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"Would you ever get married again?" is a question I love to ask when I'm chatting with a divorcee. You at least get an interesting answer! And I can't recall anyone ever giving me a b/s response! Everyone I've met has always had an opinion on marriage.

And I think I prefer to ask these kind of questions in person rather than during emailing - this is why I'm skeptical about filtering during emailing - people can polish up their answers instead of being spontaneous.
 
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