Ex is being a great friend - should I address that?


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teedw is offline teedw Post #1  February 4,2012, 4:50am
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Me and my ex broke up a while ago because he wasn't ready for a relationship. I accepted it and am now ok with it. We have remained friends and have been chatting ever since, almost every day - about all sorts of things. Sometimes we'd message each other extensively, other days less so, but the communication has been consistent. He has been very friendly and polite, often sharing things and asking for advice.

I would say we get along great. Now, my dilemma is whether I should address that.

I initiated the communication after I got over the breakup and he has been super receptive, saying he thought of us and he is glad we are talking. Since then, he has been very responsive and friendly.

I'd say I initiate conversations more often than he does. And this is my question: I (perhaps too pessimisically) wonder if he is just being friendly because he is, by nature, just very polite and whether by myself getting quieter he would get quieter too.

Should I bring this up? Such as, asking whether I am talking to him too much? Or would this be weird and scare him away.

I just want us to be friends without any bad feelings, and that he shouldn't feel like talking to me because he feels bad for some reason and does not want to hurt my feelings.

I have never been in a situation like this and so I wonder if I should just be quiet and continue talking to him or actually bring this up. Advice?
 
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StingFanChicago is offline StingFanChicago Post #2  February 4,2012, 5:06am
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I think you might be talking to him too much, and that might be keeping you from looking for a guy who does want to date you. Just because you guys are getting along well, doesn't mean he's interested in being in a romantic relationship with you since he hasn't brought it up. I'm sure he's a big boy and can ask you if that's what he wants. I suspect he is comfortable having you to chat with and be a female presence in his life for now, until he meets a woman he IS ready to be in a relationship with...and then he's going to disappear.Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you deserve to meet someone who wants to date you! I'd start distancing yourself a bit in terms of how often you guys communicate if you aren't ok just being friends with him and have found yourself having feelings for him again. I hope you aren't putting dating new guys on the backburner right now!
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #3  February 4,2012, 6:00am
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Is "a while ago" two months or two years? That makes a difference.

And yes, you aren't leaving a lot of room in your life for a new man who actually wants a relationship with you. I have two exes that I'm in touch with (after many, many years) and we're comfortable with it, but I would share that with any man I got involved with and I would limit the conversations or be completely transparent about them if someone new in my life was uncomfortable with it.

It sounds, from the limited information you've given, like you're still holding on, maybe for reasons that aren't all that healthy. It might be useful to ask yourself if this is really a friendship (as in, would either one of you be comfortable with the other's SO being part of the ongoing 'friendship') or if it's just a comfort and safeguard against loneliness.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #4  February 4,2012, 6:07am
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It sounds like he broke up, does not want a relationship, and you still want him in your life.

He may respond to your communication because he feels more comfortable with you in the freindzone...and having no expectations (which is why he broke up with you).

Basically he has demoted you to "friend" who he'll talk to if you contact him.

"Discussing" amount of communication is "relationship talk"....and remember?....he doesn't want that with you anymore.

Try to move on rather than invest in a polite guy who dumped you...Good Luck...
teedw wrote :
Me and my ex broke up a while ago because he wasn't ready for a relationship.

We have remained friends and have been chatting ever since, almost every day -Sometimes we'd message each other extensively, other days less so, but the communication has been consistent.

I'd say I initiate conversations more often than he does. And this is my question
 
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irisheyes8488 is offline irisheyes8488 Post #5  February 4,2012, 12:39pm
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I am in an extremely similar situation. My ex and I were engaged, he left Virginia where we were living in a garage apartment at his parents place to work for Disney for 7 months, we had made plans to get a place together in Florida after he was done, I remained in Virginia because he was living on Disney premises while he was employed, and I didn't have much of a choice. Less than a month into his temporary position, he left me, citing that I texted him too much, (he had started ignoring me) and he wanted to see other people. He would continue to talk to me, but usually I'd be the one to initiate the conversations. This was May, by the way, that he left, and June when he ended things. Obviously, I was having a hard time letting go. I thought this one was the one. He had given me a ring, and promised me forever, but the second he saw new people and was in a new situation, he wanted to see what was what. I was this guy's first real relationship, so really, I was out of luck from the beginning. How is he supposed to know how good I am for him? How is he supposed to understand how hard is to find someone that has so much in common with you, how hard it is to build something like what we had? But in the end, it's only what I thought we had. If it was as real as I thought it was, he'd have just known. He'd know that I was what he wanted, that he didn't want to take the chance of losing me. But he doesn't know these things, and a child would do the things that he's done. He has said some truly awful, hurtful things, but still he wants to be friends, he wants to hang out, he wants to keep having all these things in common, he wants me there as plan b, in case something else doesn't work out for him. He is consistently looking over his shoulder, just waiting for something better to come along, hence telling me he doesn't think I'm good enough. These people are correct. Guys like these, they demote you to friend zone. They feel guilty for what they've done, so they will continue to be polite and act like they give a you know what, when really, they are all about themselves. There is better out there. We deserve someone who wants to date us, someone who doesn't treat us like that. And we should be better enough to want it, too. The second someone else happens along, that's when these guys will completely vanish from our lives. They will have no regrets. They will not look back. You might think you are good friends now, but there is a giant time limit on that. My ex is out of Disney now, jobless, alone. The people who worked with him have all returned to their home states. His family moved to Florida. He is now living with them. I also just moved to Florida, an hour and a half away from him. I moved here to start over again, I couldn't get the idea of moving here out of my head, even if I had to do it alone. And so I did. The problem is, he is realizing how alone he is. And wants to hang out more and more frequently. A few times, I've given in, and it has literally destroyed me. To do all the things we used to do, all the things that made us "us", to me it means everything. To him, it means just friends hanging out. Me just being there, until as he has told me to my face, "everything I've ever wanted could come along at any time." Which is funny, because he used to tell me that I was. We can't do these things to ourselves. I came here to start over and that's what I have to do. I still wear my ring, for some reason. One day, I hope to have the strength to throw it into the ocean near which I call home now. Remaining in his life is just enabling him to have his cake and eat it too. He can't not want you in his life but still have you in it. It can't go both ways. He made his choices. We have to make ours now. We have to choose to move on, because hanging on, in whatever way, shape or form, is preventing us from moving forward. You can bet that they're trying to. Every day of their lives. Just know that you aren't alone. But moving forward is really the best thing you can do.
 
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