seekingdatingadvice is offline seekingdatingadvice Post #1  February 3,2012, 5:59pm
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Hi,

I am seeking advice on getting past the first date. I haven't been on a second date in over two years. Five of the last six women I have dated haven't worked out. The feedback I get is that I'm a nice guy, but there's no chemistry. I've tried to come onto women more, like holding hands and kissing, but I think that turns them off during a first date. All five women wouldn't kiss me at the end of the date. Am I doing something wrong?

I've tried to date older, thinking someone late 20's early thirties would appreciate a nice guy. I generally date 25 - 29. I have tried to crack 30, but at 27 most women just close me out.

I check out and I don't think I raise any red flags. I have my own place, my own car, a good job, and I'm in shape. What else are women seeking?
Last edited by seekingdatingadvice; February 3,2012 at 6:03pm.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  February 3,2012, 6:08pm
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I don't know this is as bad as you suggest.

That five of six women had - or thought they had or maybe belived they could get - someone better than you, means that one of six women did not think such thoughts.

One of six meets becoming a good partner is odds I could live with, comfortably.
 
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myusernamehere is online now myusernamehere Post #3  February 3,2012, 6:15pm
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Women are crazy.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #4  February 3,2012, 7:15pm
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seekingdatingadvice wrote :
Hi,

I am seeking advice on getting past the first date. I haven't been on a second date in over two years. Five of the last six women I have dated haven't worked out. The feedback I get is that I'm a nice guy, but there's no chemistry. I've tried to come onto women more, like holding hands and kissing, but I think that turns them off during a first date. All five women wouldn't kiss me at the end of the date. Am I doing something wrong?

I've tried to date older, thinking someone late 20's early thirties would appreciate a nice guy. I generally date 25 - 29. I have tried to crack 30, but at 27 most women just close me out.

I check out and I don't think I raise any red flags. I have my own place, my own car, a good job, and I'm in shape. What else are women seeking?
Women are seeking bad boys. The old saying that "nice guys finish last" is wrong, nice guys never finish, they are not even in the race.

The second most important thing that women are looking for is TDH.
 
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StingFanChicago is offline StingFanChicago Post #5  February 4,2012, 4:13am
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I know you must be pretty frustrated, but keep plugging at it sometimes it's just a numbers game. I'll give you some reasons I've not felt chemistry with a date so you have some examples of what might turn a woman off, but I'm not implying I think you do these things...but it's worth it to at least examine yourself or your profile for stuff like this just in case:

Really bad breath...meaning he doesn't brush AND floss which causes him to have foul odor he probably doesn't know he has and you can smell it just sitting across the table while talking.

The photos in the profile were a little far away or at funny angles, and when I see the guy up close I realize I'm not attracted to him. Also includes gross brown teeth.

When a guy spends the whole date talking about himself and doesn't ask me any "getting to know you" questions, that just tells me he's not interested in getting to know me and is full of himself. I actually had a guy once ask me: "So what else do you want to know about me?" after he talked for a 1/2 hour straight about himself!!

If a guy is n
 
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jov27 is offline jov27 Post #6  February 4,2012, 4:22am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
Women are seeking bad boys. The old saying that "nice guys finish last" is wrong, nice guys never finish, they are not even in the race.

The second most important thing that women are looking for is TDH.
I won't argue with the TDH part. Sometimes it's TBH. There are variations of this though - some like big, some nerdy thin guys. And T just means taller than me usually. Just like men like Petite Pretty Redhead, or TBB - work that one out yourself.

But I disagree with Gr8Guy about 'bad boys.' Yeah, neurotic girls with poor self esteem seem to drift to men who will treat them badly and seem risky. Just like it seems to me that neurotic men with poor self esteem often fall in love with women who are self centered and pouty. People who are attracted this way need therapy.

Emotionally healthy men and women are looking for emotionally healthy partners. Emotionally healthy women what men who are kind and considerate. BUT also strong in at least a couple of these ways: in character, physically, intellectually, with talent, achievement, wit, confidence... Get it? You don't need all of these. In fact one will probably do when combined with decent looks and kind and considerate.

Being socially adept is probably the most important thing to get you past the first date. Not talking to much, or just asking questions, but conversing. If you think you have problems here, ask people you know for advice. If you're someone who says "I tell weird jokes," for example, you'll need to look for someone with a mind like yours.

Then, though there is the important chemistry thing that you can't control. Sometimes there's a click in conversation and physical attraction or comfort that's just there. For me, I'm one of those women where a man has to just 'smell right.' (Evolutionary adaptation.) I can be really attracted to a man in a photo and really like his personality, but if he doesn't smell right he smells more 'like my brother' and it just ain't gonna happen. Nothing I can do about it.

Overall, I'd say I have 10 meets before I meet someone I want to see again. And if I want to see them again, I always want to see them for a bit longer to see what happens.

6 dates is not a lot. Keep at it and good luck. It is discouraging, but keep persevering and you'll do fine.
 
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StingFanChicago is offline StingFanChicago Post #7  February 4,2012, 4:23am
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whoops, sorry hit send by mistake before I was done lol. Back to where I was:

If is a guy is not talking the whole time, that's a big turn off too, it makes me think he doesn't have anything interesting going on in his life or is just too shy. And if he's too shy, that doesn't strike me as "manly" therefore it's a turn off.

If I determine that we don't have a lot of interests in common, or that we are too opposite of each other, that will also be a lack of chemistry to me. There is just nothing you can do about that though.

Last but not least, if a guy doesn't pay on the first date, that is a big turn off. And we're just talking about a quick coffee date or drinks (and I rarely have more than one drink, two at most.) So if a guy is too cheap and not chivilrous enough to at least pay for that, I'm not thinking he knows how to treat a woman. I don't care if people think this is too old fashioned.

Ok, so the basic run down...check your photos make sure they are close up images of your face and body, check teeth/breath, ask her questions and smile a lot, fine common ground with your date, and make sure you pay on at least the first date! Good luck!
 
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melvimbe is online now melvimbe Post #8  February 4,2012, 4:37am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
Women are seeking bad boys. The old saying that "nice guys finish last" is wrong, nice guys never finish, they are not even in the race.

The second most important thing that women are looking for is TDH.

What kind of advice is this? Your analysis is completely wrong and unhelpful. unless you're trying to help him be bitter and alone.

Yes, it's true, that some women are attracted to women who are not nice to them, and if that's the women that the OP is going after, then, that's his problem. There are plenty of women out there who are looking for a guy who will treat them right. However, that doesn't mean that they want a guy who's boring, unadventurous, poor hygiene, low confidence, negative attitude, or any other traits that people often like to relabel as 'nice'.

In my opinion, the OP can consider some basics things that he may be doing wrong, but in general, stop worrying about trying to get a girl to like, and just be yourself and enjoy the date. Consider that she's just as lucky to be out with him as he is with her, and think about what you like/dislike about her instead of thinking about putting up a front for her.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #9  February 4,2012, 5:01am
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The reality it that most people you meet won't work out for some reason or another. For anyone - not just you. Online dating simply gives us access to more people, but that doesn't guarantee they're people with whom we'll click.

I wonder if you're just trying with everyone and that's making you look desperate or not particularly choosy. You should be being just as choosy as they are - selecting someone based on real compatibility factors rather than just "she'll do." And compatibility may start on the first date, but it takes more than that to determine if it's real or not.

It's hard to tell from what you've said whether it's something about you or whether it's just the nature of the game. But I like the advice Mel gave you about not trying to get a girl to like you (this is the part that comes across as desperate) and just focus on being yourself, getting to know her and enjoying the date.

As for what women are seeking - that's as unique as each person. There's no one-answer-fits-all. I typically don't date for instant 'chemistry' but I will say that there are definitely certain things that would lead to me closing. A lack of social skills (talking about inappropriate subjects, not picking up on social cues), a lack of interest in getting to know who I am, any signs of anger/bitterness toward women, certain disorders that I know my limits in dealing with. Basically, I spend a couple of hours with a man and what's going through my mind is "can I imagine this person fitting into my life" and "when I see that in my mind, how does it make me feel?" If the answer to the second is anxious or stressed or on edge or even blah, I pass.
 
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Ephemera is offline Ephemera Post #10  February 4,2012, 5:15am
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Everything LBMM said and also; there is a very fine line between being a nice guy and being a boring guy. That bit of edge or difference in your personality is what will attract the person/people to you that will find chemistry. And I don't feel max chemistry on any first date (well, except that one...) so I'll go on a second date with a guy to see if things improve. Some women, and guys, won't do that so with that type of person it will need to click - and a coffee date is really short compared to other types of dates so maybe plan a date that would give you more time to give a sense of who you are. The bad breath thing is really important, too. People just don't seem to know that they have it. Brush, floss, regular cleanings, mouth wash, tongue scrappers, gum, tic-tacs, certain foods, etc... Don't be too impatient - you have a long life ahead of you.
Last edited by Ephemera; February 4,2012 at 6:46am.
 
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