blm_ca is offline blm_ca Post #1  February 2,2012, 5:23am
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My situ as follows ... I started a physical-fling-relationship about a year ago with a friend of 4-5 yrs. A really good friend and that will not change. It was really good and felt right. It escalated at times and i didn't know how to deal with the truth that there was chemistry (even before), because unfortunately we hang out a lot with friends. We always talked it out (most thanks to me), and she let it slip once when i got scared and curious that she was very comfortable with me and it would be up to me. But she was not ready for anything serious for a long time, so it worked out then. She has been through a rough marriage and loser boyfriends. We told each other for a long time that we both didn't want drama. Now I find she is itching for a relationship, which I understand, but I feel cornered by what you will see below.

Problem is there are 2 of us guys that are competing for her, but i am the only sexual partner The other guy has known her for much longer than me. They have dated 2x in the past and I know a lot of it. He calls daily; flirt; shop together; she likes helping him. He has been clingy for several years now, wants to settle and she hasn't had the heart to tell him to back off. Some friends are telling her she needs to settle and she is suddenly considering it.

He doesn't know that i have had time with her but she told me she has more chemistry and better conversation with me. She is annoyed with him and tells me she is leaning towards me. He is a nice guy but bold, childish, somewhat naive. I am more shy, rational, tech-smart, sensitive and respectful. He is her age and overweight; and IMO i think he brings her down with his bad diet, habits, and loneliness. I am 8 yrs younger, athletic and take care of myself. She tells me he is like a little kid at times and teases her (which does mean he likes her) but i'm sure that gets old fast. It would for me. She and the other guy have sad sex (i mean she is very frustrated). She and I have passionate, adventurous sex. If it wasn't me, i would hope she chooses someone she is truly compatible with and not just b/c he's a nice guy and is sweet on her.

She and I talked last night and my decision is that i want to date her but not rushing anything. I do not date much because i'm so busy, overthink things and am too proud to admit i really need anyone. But i'm pretty sure this isn't hormones and that i really like her. There are a few hoops to go through with friends and family -- but main peave is that she hasn't taken care of herself. I covertly drop her ideas about food and exercise and lifestyle. I do not want my friends to be judgmental. But i'm willing to risk that separation of friends and us (as a couple) until we are ready. She does want to start taking my advice about self-care, but hasn't had the time or confidence with work, etc. She is not an ego-trophy for me; but i do like her. I admit I wasn't expecting to commit, but i admitted that i am attracted and am willing to take a risk ... all this wouldn't have come out except she started considering her Ex again.

Comments about this much are welcome. But there's more ... Currently, i still hang out with this girl and guy a few times a week for movies. I have my independence and hobbies and passions, but most of my formally single friends are now with their people and it is harder to hang out with them. He is not as independent. These two are my truest single friends and so that's the way it is. The other guy and girl flirt sometimes, and I realize she can't help but do so. She knows it bothers me and shoves him aside, and I told her if she chose to date him that i wouldn't want to be 3rd wheel.

A good part of me wants to step away and not talk with them for a while. I respect what they had and have, but i cannot be there when he is flirting with her and my emotions. Honestly it would hurt me even to not hang out with them (mainly her) anymore. I think it will hurt her when i'm not there too

I am warming up to tell him and our closest friends that i have feelings for her, that i want to give her space, and that i need to step away til things fall into their right place. What do you think? Step away? Run away?
Last edited by blm_ca; February 2,2012 at 5:54am.
 
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blm_ca is offline blm_ca Post #2  February 2,2012, 5:29am
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And all this 2 weeks before valentines' day. Ugh!
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #3  February 2,2012, 6:18am
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Putting aside your pride, the other guy, etc. Do you really like her as is, without fixing her and her diet and whatever up, and do you honestly see a life together with white picket fences and kids and so on in the near future? Is she the person you truly want to be with or is it just mild jealousy and hormones talking?
 
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blm_ca is offline blm_ca Post #4  February 2,2012, 6:32am
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i see a future; not the future. maybe not picket fences and kids in near future. And yes, probably some jealousy and hormones don't help. But i am not convinced she wants him, which toys with my brain. AFA the fixing-her issue, maybe something i warm up to. I mean i didn't know what i wanted so far and she knew that, but in retrospect i do like her personality, sexuality, and the compatibility (comfort) betw us in private is at least better than the other guy.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #5  February 2,2012, 6:46am
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It is none of your business who she thinks she wants and what she chooses to do with her life. You are not better or worse than the other guy - that's just pure arrogance on your part. If you don't see her as the one, then leave her be and mind your own business.
 
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KikiAZ is offline KikiAZ Post #6  February 2,2012, 6:57am
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To be blunt, this doesn't sound like a good situation. It sounds very immature. I guess if you are both under 25, then ignore my comments.

First, neither of you are head over heels for the other. Clearly.

Second, it reads like a relationship of convienance. For both of you.

Third, she is pitting you guys against each other. She is treating neither of you fairly or respectfully. And although she tells YOU she has a preference...her actions are suspect. If she really digs you why doesn't she tell him to back off? If you become bf/gf is she going to continue in this manner? Telling you about other guys, trying to incite jealousy, making herself feel valuable?

Fourth, I think you both should find someone you really like and want to focus on.

Good luck.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #7  February 2,2012, 7:11am
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She sounds like a friend-with-benefits to both of you...and tells each of you the same nonsense in reverse...especially "you're better in bed".....

Don't waste your time with fix up tips.....that's probably why she's with the other guy in addition to you.....Although two half-men do not equal one whole man.
 
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tweet37 is online now tweet37 Post #8  February 2,2012, 7:13am
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KikiAZ wrote :
Third, she is pitting you guys against each other. She is treating neither of you fairly or respectfully. And although she tells YOU she has a preference...her actions are suspect. If she really digs you why doesn't she tell him to back off? If you become bf/gf is she going to continue in this manner? Telling you about other guys, trying to incite jealousy, making herself feel valuable?
This is either spot on or she's just multi-dating, which is what he should be doing too until they both decide to be exclusive.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #9  February 2,2012, 7:44am
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you sound ideal for marriage, followed by children and then in a few years you both break up because you think she's fat and she loves this other man even though physically you're better to look at, he is more attractive on the inside.
 
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beccaf87 is offline beccaf87 Post #10  February 2,2012, 8:04am
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It sounds like you didn't really want her until another guy came into the picture. If you don't TRULY care about her then you should walk away.

I dated a guy a while back who didn't want a relationship with me but just wanted to "date". It wasn't enough for me and so I started dating someone else. He got pretty jealous and said he was ready for a relationship with me. I declined because I knew he only wanted what he couldn't have. He had the chance and didn't take it.

If you don't really see a future with her or don't like her as she is now, then walk away and let her find happiness with someone who will care and appreciate her.
 
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