How to break deal breakers with matches?


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PG-13 is offline PG-13 Post #1  January 31,2012, 11:35am
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Okay,

My previous attempt at this got a little too personal, I'm going to broaden this question... There are obviously some things that are true about everyone that they don't want anywhere near their profiles... You want the best "version" of yourself out there for everyone to see... So how/when do you disclose the "other parts?"

I came up with 3 different sorts of scenarios...

1) You got divorced/ended a 5+ year serious relationship within the past year and are still emotionally sensitive but want to get a fresh start(emotional issue)

2) You have some combination of embarrassing health issues... I had a co-worker that I worked with for a while that had bad hips, Crohns, and awful seasonal allergies (and she couldnt take all the medications at the same time so the least evil was to have horrible hayfever for the spring/summer and sneeze 70+ times a day) (so thats a purely physical issue)

3. You have bipolar depression thats fairly under control but still flares up when you get really stressed out so you know you can get amazingly moody (to put it nicely) (which would be a physical and emotional issue)

So those things wouldn't go on an EHarmony profile (this is all purely hypothetical, Im not asking for personal advice) but how/when would you break this to a match?
 
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jimmyh452 is offline jimmyh452 Post #2  January 31,2012, 11:50am
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1) Don't date. You're probably not ready and are going to screw someone over.
2) This should come up naturally in the first handful of dates
3) Same as 2. It's biploar disorder, not bipolar depression. Bipolar and depression are two different conditions.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #3  January 31,2012, 11:50am
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1st one needs to only be mentioned in passing about when you are divorced....No one needs to say the words, "emotionally sensitive".....

2 and 3 don't need to be brought up until moving towards a serious relationship....One's health issues like this are way too much information on the first couple of dates since many times it doesn't go further than that...

The number 3 is something that if it's not under control...than a person shouldn't be dating and should actively be seeking counseling and medical care until it is. If they can't handle the ups and downs to where they hold down a job, than a relationship shouldn't be a priority.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #4  January 31,2012, 12:23pm
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1. Would depend entirely on the way said match presented himself.
2. Most issues that severe would be fairly obvious on date one.
3. My preference would be for this to be disclosed up front, but it isn't really reasonable to expect. I've dated people with mood/behaviorial disorders before and choose not to again. It would probably be a dealbreaker no matter when it was disclosed.
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #5  January 31,2012, 12:45pm
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I would wait until roughly date three, as most first dates rarely turn into a second date and many second dates end there.

It's best to get deal-breaker-related info out as early on as possible so there is as little emotional investment made as possible. If these issues are deal-breakers for the people you are dating, they aren't going to be any less a deal-breaker at date 25 than they are at date one.
 
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lunabeach is offline lunabeach Post #6  January 31,2012, 3:22pm
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1) Be honest with yourself and your dates - be upfront and say, "I'm just getting back into this - I'm looking forward to meeting people and having fun." This should send a pretty strong message to the people who are dating to find a mate yesterday that you are not the one for them. People in the same place as you will be up for it and everyone in the middle will just measure their risk. It's the fair thing to do and it will result in a better dating experience for you. Win/win.

2) Depends on the issue - something like Crohns or severe allergies are apparent quickly. Someone with Crohn's will most likely need to be following a specific diet (usually foods that are easy on the digestive tract - not a whole lot of fat, fiber, or alcohol). Allergies are easy conversation. Things that don't immediately affect dating can be saved for later. An exception would be infertility - kids are such a huge dealmaker/dealbreaker, whether you want kids and HOW (i.e. adoption, fostering, or biological children only) should be discussed fairly soon by everyone, with or without known fertility issues.

3. I can't really advise on this. I would rather know fairly early (within a month) and the authenticity with which the information is delivered (transparency, depth of information) would go a long way in helping me process it.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #7  January 31,2012, 4:18pm
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PG-13 wrote :
You want the best "version" of yourself out there for everyone to see... So how/when do you disclose the "other parts?"

I came up with 3 different sorts of scenarios...

1) You got divorced/ended a 5+ year serious relationship within the past year and are still emotionally sensitive but want to get a fresh start(emotional issue)
Most dating sites allow for selecting "divorced," which is what I would do and what I'd expect my match to do.

On eHarmony, I would not get upset if a woman didn't disclose (I consider it my responsibility to ask about something, if I care - I think like a businessperson, so her expecting me to have to ask is actually a sign of compatibility.)

Not mentioning any ex-partners, in any manner or context, actually furthers the impression of being over them completely, as well.

If you wish to disclose, I think during a second meeting is ideal: far enough in that the match choose to see you again, yet hopefully you're relaxed and can read their reactions and adapt.

I don't speak or discuss prior partners, so hopefully I tend to create situations where it is easy for my partners to keep any skeltons firmly in the closet.


PG-13 wrote :
2) You have some combination of embarrassing health issues... I had a co-worker that I worked with for a while that had bad hips, Crohns, and awful seasonal allergies (and she couldnt take all the medications at the same time so the least evil was to have horrible hayfever for the spring/summer and sneeze 70+ times a day) (so thats a purely physical issue)
I recommend disclosing a medical (or other, perceived) deficiency only when it is germane to a specific proposed activity.

For example, the bad hips might not matter at all for having dinner, but if I suggest skiing, and she can't, then I'd like to be told (and why.)

Any such problem might be a deal-breaker, but I'll have to take it on a case by case basis, depending on what it meant for compatibility.

I also suggest, that people with some limitation think and learn how to manage around it (such as by having a variety of alternate plans ready.) For instance, if I planned a day of biking, and she wasn't sure she could manage, I'd rather know that upfront and we can have some alternate plans on standby.


PG-13 wrote :
3. You have bipolar depression thats fairly under control but still flares up when you get really stressed out so you know you can get amazingly moody (to put it nicely) (which would be a physical and emotional issue)
An emotional state is the topic I most suggest ommitting completely. Disclosure is not warranted (unless the recipient is a professional who understands); if you wish to disclose, I suggest always including the significant facts.

In this case, I recommend focusing on solutions, and not complaints and excuses.

For instance, if a woman were to cancel a meeting, I'd rather just have an "I'm sorry" with a specific reschedule, than a lame excuse blaming the disorder.

This is again a potential deal-breaker, but in such cases I'd look for my partner to put in 90% of the effort needed to manage it; I'll probably meet her that last bit, but I won't be a dumping ground for personal problems.
 
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peacefulharp is offline peacefulharp Post #8  January 31,2012, 6:45pm
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PG-13 wrote :
Okay,

My previous attempt at this got a little too personal, I'm going to broaden this question... There are obviously some things that are true about everyone that they don't want anywhere near their profiles... You want the best "version" of yourself out there for everyone to see... So how/when do you disclose the "other parts?"

I came up with 3 different sorts of scenarios...

1) You got divorced/ended a 5+ year serious relationship within the past year and are still emotionally sensitive but want to get a fresh start(emotional issue)
This person probably shouldn't be dating. If they are, they should disclose upfront. Although they probably won't
2) You have some combination of embarrassing health issues... I had a co-worker that I worked with for a while that had bad hips, Crohns, and awful seasonal allergies (and she couldnt take all the medications at the same time so the least evil was to have horrible hayfever for the spring/summer and sneeze 70+ times a day) (so thats a purely physical issue)
Agree with DLion, when it is pertinent.

3. You have bipolar depression thats fairly under control but still flares up when you get really stressed out so you know you can get amazingly moody (to put it nicely) (which would be a physical and emotional issue)
Only once you know the person. No sense in disclosing in a profile since this is highly personal and most dates won't go beyond date #1 (for most people). Definitely need to disclose before things get too serious or anyone gets too attached - it's a fine line.
So those things wouldn't go on an EHarmony profile (this is all purely hypothetical, Im not asking for personal advice) but how/when would you break this to a match?
OP, above in red.

However, I do remember your perceived deal-breaker from the previous thread and it isn't comparable to any of the examples you gave above. In your profile would be weird but I would say that it would naturally come up within a few dates (1-3). I wouldn't make a big deal of it because it really isn't that big of a deal, especially if presented in a positive light.

Good luck.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #9  January 31,2012, 9:45pm
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With the first.......you can mention about that. Just don't get not the gory details or bash the x right from the start.

For the second...some of the allergies you should mention..like being highly allergic to cats or dogs. The more complicated conditions....if it something that is obvious or could come up on the date like the sneezing fits this should be mentioned sometime after open communication starts and you meet. The less obvious diseases such as chromes could be held back till after the first date.

For the third.....depression you wait till after the first date to talk about this.


In early dating they are going to look for. Reasons not to date you. If you don't tell them in detail they assume the worst.
 
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PG-13 is offline PG-13 Post #10  January 31,2012, 10:14pm
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I know my situation isn't particularly comparable to any of that, the point was to have a bunch of hypothetical things that had nothing to do with my actual situation yet still seemed pretty realistic... (I guess I can mention that the actual real life person from #2 is quite physically attractive and has had no problem finding boyfriends despite her myriad of health issues)

My original thread ended up being "why I'm a bum for living with my parents" which wasnt exactly helpful, instead of "how to appropriately get across the more negative things in your life to your matches" which was more my intent...

Maybe this thread was too silly to even start, but I was trying for a concept here, maybe the execution was lacking...

I'm trying to think of the exact opposite "dealbreaker" issue that I actually have...

so after a quick brainstorm, that hypothetical person would probably be a short, heavier, less active/physically attractive guy (maybe into online multi player gaming) whos really successful and wealthy (owns his own house, really nice car, vacations a lot, makes a lot of money)... I've read enough of the backlog on the board that I feel like that person would also get a lot of quick closes too...

But I've said before, I tend towards being overly cerebral.... but there is an underlying concept that I'm curious about
 
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