When to bring up exclusivity talk


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pink_tulip is offline pink_tulip Post #1  January 30,2012, 8:12pm
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Met a guy 2 weeks ago

Been on 5 amazing dates, The latest one when saying goodbye he wouldn't let me go and we had a pretty nice make out session... anyway, needless to say I really like him and he likes me, he keeps telling me how natural communication flows between us and how happy he feels he can be himself around me... I think next time we see each other passion will be part of the date but I don't really want to go there until we have "the talk".... I have not dated anyone past a 4th date in a long time... and I havent been this excited about anyone in a while either...

Is it too soon for "the talk", I am not seeing anybody else but I haven't asked if he is... all because I am afraid is to soon to bring it up ... any advice?
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #2  January 30,2012, 9:04pm
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If you think passion (aka sleeping together) will be a part of your next date, you need to have the 'sex talk' at the very least. I'd want to compare blood test results, make sure we're on the same page re: protection, condoms, etc.

While many people consider the 'sex talk' to imply exclusivity, many people do not, so if you are one of those people who are exclusive once the relationship moves to the bedroom, you should discuss it with him.

If I were in this situation, I wouldn't want to consider each other sleeping with other people and then sleeping together. That would never sit well with me - I've never been a multi-dater either.

But, please don't leave this up to chance. Wouldn't you prefer to know if he considers the relationship exclusive by the time it involves sex? And, wouldn't you prefer to know if he considers otherwise? You need to be able to make good decisions, and you can't do that without communicating with him to understand what he is thinking and what are his thoughts about sex and exclusivity.

FWIW.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #3  January 30,2012, 9:46pm
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2 weeks seems a little soon on the exclusivity talk. If you are asking this as a prelude to sex he will just say yes just to have sex.

5 dates in 2 weeks seems rather fast to me
 
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jme21 is offline jme21 Post #4  January 30,2012, 10:12pm
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I don't want to have the talk till I can take the car for a test drive. The physical chemistry is just as important as the emotional...if that doesn't work, we don't work.
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #5  January 30,2012, 11:10pm
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ami1uwant wrote :
2 weeks seems a little soon on the exclusivity talk. If you are asking this as a prelude to sex he will just say yes just to have sex.

5 dates in 2 weeks seems rather fast to me
Which is why I brought up the possibility that there might be two separate talks required.
 
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meanminicooper is offline meanminicooper Post #6  January 31,2012, 2:17am
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jme21 wrote :
I don't want to have the talk till I can take the car for a test drive. The physical chemistry is just as important as the emotional...if that doesn't work, we don't work.
An approach like this will leave you either unfulfilled or stuck with Mrs. Crazy.

Sexual chemistry isn't always there from the beginning and you are building your relationship on a house of cards if you base it on a good first sexual experience. Things like honesty and communication (which the first few dates should be about) are more important than what the other person does with their equipment since you two can be open about what you like sexually.

That line reminds me of my 29 y/o single friend who is constantly enthusiastic about going on dates with hot bimbos that put out and "are hot!" but are bona fide crazy/dirty/dopey

Some of my best relationships (emotional and sexual) started with an awkward first time and I've had a few dud relationships start with amazing sex that fizzles out. Open your mind a bit.
 
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tweet37 is online now tweet37 Post #7  January 31,2012, 2:26am
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ami1uwant wrote :
2 weeks seems a little soon on the exclusivity talk. If you are asking this as a prelude to sex he will just say yes just to have sex.

5 dates in 2 weeks seems rather fast to me
I dunno. Although five dates in two weeks seems to be moving fast, I don't think it's necessarily too soon to have the talk if she has a good sense that his level of interest is on par with hers. Everybody's timeline is different, and there's really only one way to find out.

And as far as sex goes, it doesn't matter if it's 5 dates or 25 dates. If she's concerned that he's going to bail out after the 5th, he'll bail after the 25th and waiting it out that long probably isn't going to accomplish anything.

pink_tulip wrote :
Is it too soon for "the talk", I am not seeing anybody else but I haven't asked if he is... all because I am afraid is to soon to bring it up ... any advice?
I think this is a good question asked very early on, like on the first date. And if the two of you were matched on a dating site, after "5 amazing dates" it may not be too soon to be developing a sense of where you two are heading and start talking about taking your profiles down.

And until one of you initiates this discussion, both of you are free to communicate with and date others.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #8  January 31,2012, 2:29am
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pink_tulip wrote :
Met a guy 2 weeks ago

Been on 5 amazing dates, The latest one when saying goodbye he wouldn't let me go and we had a pretty nice make out session... anyway, needless to say I really like him and he likes me, he keeps telling me how natural communication flows between us and how happy he feels he can be himself around me... I think next time we see each other passion will be part of the date but I don't really want to go there until we have "the talk".... I have not dated anyone past a 4th date in a long time... and I havent been this excited about anyone in a while either...

Is it too soon for "the talk", I am not seeing anybody else but I haven't asked if he is... all because I am afraid is to soon to bring it up ... any advice?
I think the general consensus is you should do what feels right for you. What's the vibe you're getting from him?
I've usually known well in advance whether someone is seeing others, in fact I ask this on the first date, routinely.
I'm not shy about doing that. I want to know who the competition is...and early.
I also don't want someone sleeping with others and sleeping with me. Homey don't play that. Hence the talk early.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #9  January 31,2012, 5:16am
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If it's not too soon to sleep with him, then it's not too soon to have a conversation about sex, health, protection, etc. Don't make this to be more than what it is.
 
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Mike74 is offline Mike74 Post #10  January 31,2012, 5:41am
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ami1uwant wrote :
2 weeks seems a little soon on the exclusivity talk. If you are asking this as a prelude to sex he will just say yes just to have sex.

5 dates in 2 weeks seems rather fast to me
I agree that 2 weeks seems quick to be having an exclusivity talk, but I typically average 1 date a week, so it would take me more than a month to reach the 5 date mark. Anyway, even given the short amount of time that has passed, I think the more important factor is that you are considering being intimate with this man. I think its perfectly reasonable to discuss exclusivity (as well as sexual and reproductive health issues) prior to intimacy. I would likely decline to be intimate with a woman who wasn't willing to commit to exclusivity beforehand. Obviously, I would be willing to make the same commitment. Now, whether or not a person follows through on a commitment of exclusivity is a different question, but I'd at least prefer to be clear on the expectations.

Good luck with your date!
 
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