How many dates until exclusive? Date other people still?


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sdsva82 is offline sdsva82 Post #1  January 30,2012, 5:17pm
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Okay...so I've gone out on four dates with this guy and I definitely think there is chemistry there...but I have two questions: 1) When should you even start thinking about being exclusive and 2) Until you are exclusive, do you still date other people? Not saying that the other people I would go on dates would be back-up, but I dont want to go all in if he doesnt have the same feelings that I do, so in the meantime, do I keep my options open and go on dates with other poeple to see what else is out there?

Maybe it's too soon to even be thinking about all of this? Thanks!
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  January 30,2012, 6:10pm
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I typically gave up on finding others after one or two meetings.

From my perspective, if I learned a woman I was meeting was continuing to seek others after four meetings, I doubt I'd ever commit to her. (Not a problem for me, since I think my partners choose exclusivity at the same time I did.)

***

As a lesson in logic, if you become exclusive and it fails you waste a modest amount of time (during which you could have spread yourself too thin with too many men.)

If you elect to "multi-date," and that fails, you lose this partner.

For me personally, I don't mind wasting time but I do mind losing good partners.
 
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insertscreenname is offline insertscreenname Post #3  January 30,2012, 6:34pm
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There is no set number of dates or timeline, but I think it's a generally accepted practice that once you're ready to have sex it's time for a talk about exclusivity.
 
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notyet is offline notyet Post #4  January 30,2012, 6:48pm
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you are not exclusive until you both explicitly state you are exclusive- until you have the talk. LK and i were exclusive after the first date. but she knew that i multi-dated and was talking to and potentially seeing others before we went on our first date. during that first date, i told her that i wanted to see her- exclusively. i then rapidly cut-off potentially romantic communication with others.

and if i were you, sdsva82, i would probably wait for the guy to bring it up.
Last edited by notyet; January 30,2012 at 6:50pm.
 
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Newbie12 is offline Newbie12 Post #5  January 30,2012, 7:19pm
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I really hope this thread flourishes. Very relevant to my interests.
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #6  January 30,2012, 7:36pm
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Generally there is no set timeline for when you should be exclusive, but I agree that I wouldn't assume you are until it's been discussed, no matter how obvious it may seem. I know there are people here who will say that it is clear without a conversation, but in my mind it makes it way too easy to have a misunderstanding. That said, while I keep my options open when not exclusive, I only see people I am generally interested and never date others just because I can. I also PERSONALLY try to keep things around the same speed. In my opinion it's hard if you're on date 1 with one person and date 4 with someone else. Unless that person blows it out of the water on the first date it seems hard for them to compete with someone you've known longer.
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #7  January 30,2012, 7:48pm
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I agree with the others that there is not a set number of dates when to consider exclusivity, and I agree that you might stand more to lose by multi-dating just to keep your options open.
That said, even if as a couple you're not ready to have 'the talk' about exclusivity, there's nothing preventing you from dating this guy exclusively.

If we're always thinking that the next unknown date is possibly better than the date we are currently seeing, I doubt any of us would ever make it to exclusivity. It takes an investment of time and your heart, to figure out if exclusivity with this guy is the right thing for both of you. So, while you're investing the time to figure out what's in your heart, what's the harm in not seeing other people? The exclusivity talk will surface when it is the right time for it to happen.

I was never much for multi-dating, anyway.
 
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Raw_Truth is offline Raw_Truth Post #8  January 30,2012, 7:49pm
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D_Lion wrote :
I typically gave up on finding others after one or two meetings.

From my perspective, if I learned a woman I was meeting was continuing to seek others after four meetings, I doubt I'd ever commit to her. (Not a problem for me, since I think my partners choose exclusivity at the same time I did.)

***

As a lesson in logic, if you become exclusive and it fails you waste a modest amount of time (during which you could have spread yourself too thin with too many men.)

If you elect to "multi-date," and that fails, you lose this partner.

For me personally, I don't mind wasting time but I do mind losing good partners.
Ditto. I go so far as to end things if she's dating around; and did so a few times before my current extended hiatus from dating.
 
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ClaireH is offline ClaireH Post #9  January 30,2012, 10:11pm
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I will not stop dating others until I am asked not to (and I feel okay with stop dating) - or I no longer feel that I need to look around...
 
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meanminicooper is offline meanminicooper Post #10  January 31,2012, 2:23am
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Different people move at different speeds but somewhere around date 2-3 I would try to scale it back a bit. EH makes things difficult on guys since so many are non-paying/dont answer etc that at least in my experience (personal and from the boards) have to build up matches.

Closing everyone and turning off matches after a first date (even a good one) can result in a 2-3 week buildup of good matches again.

Definitely before sex and sometime around the 4th date would exclusivity be on the table but then again, some people like to move faster than others.
 
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