Not feeling it on date 3 - what's the polite way to handle?


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Ephemera is offline Ephemera Post #31  February 3,2012, 3:44am
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Mitchell,
No, I'm not joking. I've always considered it rude to tell someone to their face, or on the phone, or by e-mail, that I am not interested in them. If they ask me out again I find a way to let them know so that we both save face and no one is embarrassed. But I never tell them that I'm not interested because it serves no purpose other than to embarrass as far as I can see. For eons men and women have been able to acurately guage interest by signals other than direct rejection. And I do as I like being done to - and that is the fade away.
 
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jov27 is offline jov27 Post #32  February 3,2012, 5:41am
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Ephemera and others are giving me a different point of view. Perhaps I won't be so quick and will wait for the invite before I say I'm not interested. But that seems a bit mean too - guy I have no intention of seeing again has been hopefully planning some interesting date that he thinks I'll like, then putting his neck out to call and offer it. It seems worse. I'd hate it if I were in his shoes.

Fortunately, there aren't many of those times since most guys ask for the next date during the first one and I would never give a wishy washy 'maybe' or 'I don't know my schedule' which I think is a really bad thing to do, leaving hope when I'm not going on another date. I value people who can say difficult things, taking on the responsibility when they're' in a relationship and not try to just avoid them.

I don't mind at all being told that there is no interest when there isn't. Now I'd rather hear it as "I'm not feeling the dating thing," or "maybe we'll see each other around' or even the 'friends' euphemism, but I'd rather know than be waiting around for a call. Or worse, me calling or emailing and getting the ignore routine, which makes me feel a bit stupid for a while. I've always appreciated when a guy told me clearly at the end of the first meet.

I HATE telling someone I'm not interested, so if I'm not interested then I dread getting the call, so I'd rather head it off. But that is taking care of me and not them, so I'll rethink. Still I have to say, I would never not return a call or email to avoid someone in that situation and EVERY man I ever was clear with (I work to be really kind about it) has thanked me for letting him know and not letting it hang.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #33  February 3,2012, 5:51am
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Ephemera wrote :
Mitchell,
No, I'm not joking. I've always considered it rude to tell someone to their face, or on the phone, or by e-mail, that I am not interested in them. If they ask me out again I find a way to let them know so that we both save face and no one is embarrassed. But I never tell them that I'm not interested because it serves no purpose other than to embarrass as far as I can see. For eons men and women have been able to acurately guage interest by signals other than direct rejection. And I do as I like being done to - and that is the fade away.
If the above were true these boards would be empty....

As I've said, and not in a mean way, but men are much less likely to "read" someone well....but there are also many women who have trouble gauging interest.

There isn't anything embarrassing about politely saying that you just don't think it's a match and thanking them for the evening and wishing them well all by email.

I know that I date quality over quantity...and I have gone out with some wonderful men with whom I have a fantastic date....we spend anywhere between 3-6 hours enjoying hiking/biking/climbing and or lunch...etc. So we both have a really good time and that can make it even more difficult to know whether it was a match or not...

We aren't talking a date where no one is talking, no laughing, no hug goodbye and everything is painfully obvious about disinterest...

It's not "rejection" as the dates that I go on the men have felt the same way that it's either going to click or it doesn't and it's not some "fault" of the other person....it's just not a match....simple as that....No one's feelings are hurt...we just go on our separate ways...

I'll stop doing it they way I have when the men stop writing back how they are extremely grateful that I handled it that way and they wish more women would do so...
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #34  February 3,2012, 5:55am
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thinkinthebrink wrote :
In my first dating adventure in decades (happy face!), I met a very nice man for three dates. The first date ended awkwardly, but I decided to see if he was just in a hurry - he was on his way somewhere for a meeting. I had some doubts, but I wanted to be open-minded, so I saw him again. On the second date we again sat in a restaurant while he once again told me all about himself and everything else. I did get some words in edgewise on the first two dates. He kissed me as we parted on the second date (Ooo! Lala!) so I went out with him on the third date. I wanted to give him a chance to ask me something that would indicate that he wanted to get to know *me* (not a fantasy version of me, or whatever he was working from). Well, it didn't happen, and the third date ended awkwardly with a kiss from him that I kind of shut down. I am sure he understood how I was feeling, or wasn't feeling. I don't think he'd be shocked to know that I don't want to see him again (nice guy - just not for me). Should I send him a little email just saying "thanks for three nice dates ---- I don't think we're a match --- best of luck --- etc."? Or should I just leave it alone unless he calls again (unlikely - I don't think I was selling what he was looking for)?

Thanks in advance for what I know will be excellent advice!!!
The highlighted part above is all that is needed.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #35  February 3,2012, 6:16am
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You gave yourself the best advice:
thinkinthebrink wrote :
leave it alone unless he calls again
If they are not asking ....why tell them what they already know or feel mutually about?
the_shadow wrote :
If I went out with a person I met at school, I'd let them know it wasn't going well.
This is true...unless someone asks about a second date ....why send a thanks-but no-thanks email?
jov27 wrote :
I HATE telling someone I'm not interested, so if I'm not interested then I dread getting the call, so I'd rather head it off. But that is taking care of me and not them
 
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boomer_gal is online now boomer_gal Post #36  February 3,2012, 11:51pm
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I'm with mitchell. I so hate being on the receiving end of a poof. One guy & I did what was a mutual poof & that was OK, I guess. But I would much rather hear from a guy that he wasn't interested than to wait & wonder. And so I try to follow the golden rule & do unto others...
 
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Ephemera is offline Ephemera Post #37  February 4,2012, 4:50am
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Because there are different preferences for different people, maybe you - OP- would be best served by doing what feels right to you. You can't know how someone else is going to take your actions, or lack of action, so the way you handle things should be the way that leaves you feeling like you did the right thing or the best thing. Whatever that might be. Good luck to you.
 
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