What is this woman thinking? Any help appreciated.


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Likwit is offline Likwit Post #1  January 29,2012, 5:39pm
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So, I'll preface this story by saying that I'm in Japan and that the rules are a little bit different. One thing that's very different is that office relationships are not looked down upon. In fact, they're almost encouraged. There are a number of other differences, but I think people are people and I really need some advice on this woman. The story is a wall of text, and probably full of errors, so please forgive me... Here we go.

The girl in question is a coworker, another teacher, a bit older than me, very elegant, and very striking. I started a this job in August of '11, and immediately noticed her. After a few months of watching, and occasionally chatting, I realized I was in love with her. Absolutely enamored. It's the first time for me. I've been with a lot of women, especially since coming to Japan, but my ego and my sleaziness prevented me from ever having a real relationship. In fact, my longest relationship to date was 3 months. I used to like to think I was very good with women. Now that I want a real relationship, I'm realizing it requires a different skill set.

Anyway, I decided to make a move around Christmas. She agreed to see me, and in the week leading up to my yearly trip back home we went out 3 times. Things seemed to be going very well. Sometimes goodbyes were awkward, but she always seemed excited to see me again. The last date culminated in a night time Ferris wheel ride and hand-holding on the train ride home. Far slower than my usual pace, but I was over the moon none-the-less. She told me she wanted to do something as soon as I got back.

Upon my return, I asked her to dinner and a movie via text message (calling in Japan is not so common and we were still on vacation). I'm not sure how to translate her reply, but it was something like, "Oh. You're asking me out. Again." I was a bit baffled by this. A Japanese friend confirmed that her response was as curt as I'd thought. We ended up meeting at a restaurant on the Saturday before going back to school. I presented her with a gift, as is customary for people returning from trips; the Alien trilogy and an Abercrombie scarf. She loves Alien and Abercrombie, and she wants to start studying English. I learned Japanese by watching and reading Harry Potter, so I thought this would be a great gift for her. She seemed delighted.

Our food came, but she was laughing and talking so much that 2 hours later she'd yet to finish, and I had to order another round of fries so she wasn't the only one eating. We missed the beginning of our movie, so I suggested that we head to the theater to see what else was playing. When we arrived, she found something, a historical piece she'd been wanting to see but hadn't realized was playing. I started to buy tickets, but she stopped me and said we should leave. She looked a bit irritated.

The theater was at the top of a building. To get down, you can take the elevator or climb down a rooftop garden to the plaza below. I remarked that I'd like to walk through the gardens and she agreed. As we walked, the conversation turned really sour. She asked me how many other women I was seeing. I told her none. She tricked me into admitting that another coworker of ours was pretty and suggested I ask her out. I said I wasn't interested. She asked me why I asked her to dinner. I said I didn't know. She said I invited her there to make fun of her. I apologized and asked if I'd made an offensive joke. She asked if I was a typical American. I said there's no such thing. She said, “I just wonder if all of you have a personalities this bad.”

I was shocked. Absolutely stunned. Thinking the date was way over, I steered us toward the train station. She stopped in a book store along the way. I gave her some space while she was browsing and met back up with her at the register. She said, "let's go get some tea and chat." Needless to say I was very, very confused.

We sat for a bit, and things were really picking back up again. She kept asking me why I'd invited her out. I never could answer, but overall things seemed to be going great. After about an hour, the cafe got really crowded and loud. I developed a headache and was struggling to hear her. My comprehension dropped through the floor, and I asked if we could walk. We left the cafe, and she said she wanted to go somewhere. I suggested we rent a movie to make up for the one we missed. In hindsight that was really, really stupid, but I honestly wasn't trying to make a move. She seemed almost angry and told me my place was "too dangerous."

We boarded the train and I kind of snapped. Not in an angry way, but "this is really not going well, is it?" kind of just fell out of my mouth. She said, "what do you mean 'this'?"

"This date," I replied. "This date is not going well. I've been told I have a bad personality. Twice... I've never been told that before. I suppose that doesn't mean it isn't true, but that's not typically something you want to hear on a date." I grinned. I wanted her to know I was disappointed, but maintain a light tone. She asked me once again why I'd asked her out. I paused for a second and decided to go for broke. "Well, I think I quite like you. I wanted to talk and hang out and see for sure, so I asked you out." She didn't say anything for 15 minutes.

We got off the train at my stop. "I can change trains here, so I think I'll go home," she said. I smiled and replied, "well, I was hoping to do something else, but it is starting to get late..." She started to turn away. "I think I'll go home. Is it bad if I go home?" I kept smiling and shook my head, "Of course not. Goodnight." I waited until she boarded the train and collapsed onto a bench. I sat there for a while and tried to figure out what the hell happened. I never could.

Three hours later she texted me. I'll just post the exchange we had.


{Girl: I think I said a lot of rude things tonight. I'm sorry if you felt bad.
{Me: Don't worry about it. I just had a little headache, that's all. It was fun.
{Girl: Oh, that's right. Are you OK? Try to relax. (This part's hard to translate, so it might sound weird) If it isn't displeasing, let's go for dinner again. I'd like to chat with you some more
{Me: Yeah, I took some medicine. I should be fine, thanks. "If it isn't displeasing" lolololol. I'd very much like to go out again. You're fun to talk to. Goodnight.


I took this as a good sign and went to bed happy, but very confused. However, the next few days at work were brutal. She was unbelievably cold, and didn't cooperate well with me at all. I thought perhaps I should just let it go. On Wednesday, I went home, thinking I'd just give up. I was crushed. I couldn't stop thinking about her, but if I pursue a woman who isn't interested, work could get really messy. I thought about it all night. I couldn't stop. Then I got a text message. It was her.

{Girl: Hey I watched Alien!

I decided to play it safe: don't get the hopes up, respond in a crisp, but not curt manner, and let the conversation die quickly.

{Me: Great I hope it was interesting.
{Girl: The subtitles wouldn't come up, so I couldn't really study very well :/ I had no idea what they were saying

I tried to let the conversation die.

{Me: No subtitles? I had no idea. Sorry about that.
{Girl: No, I'm sure there are subtitles. I'm just not very good with this computer. I'm in trouble...

I tried to kill the conversation.

{Me: I'm sure you'll figure it out
{Girl: I wonder if I couldn't get you to help me sometime?

Huh!?!?! I was so confused that it took me almost a day and a half to respond.

{Me: Sure.


The following Thursday she slipped out of her weekly teachers' meeting to make a phone call, and we found ourselves alone in the office for the first time ever. She came all the way over and used the phone next to my desk. Afterward, she greeted me warmly and we chatted a bit. She said she was about ready to fall asleep in the meeting, but she had to get back. I took our little chat as a good sign. After work, I texted her.


{Me: Did you stay awake during the meeting?
{Girl: No... I nodded off a few times.
{Me: Uh oh. Hope you got some rest. I have my teachers' meeting tomorrow. I might just have to nod off as well


That one got no response, and the next few days were cold at the office. It wasn't getting any less confusing. I can't figure this woman out, but after going out with her a few times, having amazing conversations, laughing about little stupid things, and even getting abused a bit, I was feeling her more than ever. I decided to test the waters.


{Me: Hey, I wanted to talk to you in person, but you're hard to pin down at the office. I was thinking I'd like to do dinner sometime soon. If you have an open day, let me know. We can figure out your PC too, if you'd like.
{Girl: I'm really busy with tests and the track team. I don't think I have time.
{Me: OK, well if your schedule opens up, I'd be happy to see you.


I thought it was over. She's not interested. I was crushed. Devastated. Two days later another response came.


{Girl: Thanks. I'll let you know. You're such a nice guy.
{Me: Lol :/


"Well, darn." I thought, "that's the nail in the coffin there. I don't know where you messed up, but you messed up big, boy. It's over, man." Two hours later, she texted me again.


{Girl: 'Lol'? Did I say something weird?

At this point it's getting really strange. This is the most awkward text conversation I've ever had. I tried to kill it.

{Me: No. I just say 'lol' too much.
{Girl: Oh, gotcha


This last week is where I really started to go insane. I'm getting so paranoid about this girl that I seriously have no idea what to do. She texted me again on Monday. Nothing important, but it gave me a glimmer of hope. She hit me again on Tuesday. Nothing special, but we were at least kind of talking... Sort of. On Thursday night I just couldn't stop thinking about her. I texted her.


{Me: Hey, you seem pretty busy with high school apps, how you holdin' up?

(Kids here apply for high schools and take a big entrance exam, BTW)

{Girl: Not great. I get more and more tired every day. I'm drained.
{Me: You can't relax, can you, what with Saturday track practice and all? Fight. It's almost Sunday.
{Girl: Yeah, I'll do my best. Thanks for texting me


I have no idea what that means, but I'll take it. I'm thinking maybe things are OK. Then on Friday, she doesn't show up to work. Turns out she had the day off on Friday and Saturday because there were no exams for her subject. What?!?!?!

Today is Monday. I'm at the office and I keep sneak glances at her. I just can't help it. Like I said, I've never felt this way about a woman before. Aside from the strange behavior, I like everything about her. Her jet black hair tied into an elegant ponytail, her nerdy taste in movies, her sense of humor, the way she dresses, her graceful walk, her horrible teeth, the freckle on the rim of her left ear, her strange obsession with air travel. She's just so charming. I'm sick. This is a really new experience for me. I thought it would never happen, but now that it has I don't know what to do. I've never not known what to say to a girl, but she has me stumped.

My confidence is so shot. I can't get this out of my head. I've been replaying my dates over and over in my head. Where did I mess up? I never messed up before. I'm really angry at myself right now. I'm starting to think back on all my other relationships. Have I put girls through similar grief? Am I finally getting a taste of my own medicine? Surely no one ever liked me as much as I like her... I'm disgusting. Why can't I do this? I realize I'm being very melodramatic, but I'd like some help. Advice from women is greatly appreciated.

If you've made it this far into my huge rant, please give me some advice. I've decided that one of us must be crazy. Who is it, though? Her or me? Is she doing this to me, or am I doing this to myself?
Last edited by Likwit; January 29,2012 at 10:13pm. Reason: Obscenity removal
 
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TheWallaby is offline TheWallaby Post #2  January 29,2012, 6:56pm
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I'm a guy, and I don't date often. But, these legs were made for running, and that's exactly what I'd do. I'm a big fan of sanity.

I can't tell you what she was thinking, but I can tell you that if you're all for an up and down, up and down relationship, you should go for it. I had a gal doing this to me once, and it was positively the worst time ever. Sounds like major control issues and major insecurity issues to me.
 
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emma_hazards is offline emma_hazards Post #3  January 29,2012, 7:10pm
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It's not entirely clear, but it sounds as if you're American/European, and she's Japanese. Having worked in Japan, I can tell you that what you really need is a Japanese perspective. There is a large cross-cultural issue at play here, in addition to the usual gender dynamic that any Japanese "couple" would encounter. Your challenge will be to find someone who will actually be honest about what is really going on. Is there someone outside of your school that you could seek counsel from?

How long have you lived in Japan? It sounds as if most of this has flown over your head, so I'm guessing less than a year. Is this the first time you've lived overseas?

Best of luck!
 
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Likwit is offline Likwit Post #4  January 29,2012, 7:33pm
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Sorry, the text got cut off thanks to a rogue heart emoticon. There's a little bit more... Again, sorry for the wall of text.
 
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emma_hazards is offline emma_hazards Post #5  January 29,2012, 7:36pm
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By the way, when you ask for advice, don't ask leading questions, such as, "Is she curt?" "It's she polite?" The answer will almost always be yes, if your opinion is included. All that "yes" really means, is "Yes , I heard you." Not: "Yes, I agree she is curt, polite, rude, or whatever." Ask instead, "Help me understand what this means," or "What do you think of this?" You'll get a lot further to reality that way, than you ever would if you shared your opinion and viewpoint.

Also, late-night discussions over sake are when people are "honest." It has a social purpose. That's when you typically get the real deal.

Again, you need to find a Japanese local to help you understand why she is acting the way that she is, and how you should handle things. Best of luck!
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #6  January 29,2012, 7:47pm
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I believe you are facing a huge cultural difference wall .... You need to discuss this with a very trusted Japanese friend who will be honest and open with you and guide you. And my take in their culture (I was exposed not too much to it) is that, if you do not really spend a lot of time with them and they trust you they won't be your friends. They would like to see first that you have an understanding of their culture and respect it. It is pretty different then what we are used to here .....

Good luck .... Depending on how long you are planning to stay there, it might not be worth it.
 
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Bluskies4ever3 is offline Bluskies4ever3 Post #7  January 29,2012, 7:47pm
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My take is she knows you've dated around a lot in Japan, haven't really had any stable long-term relationships, and she wants to know she is special to a man, not one of the crowd.
 
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nire is offline nire Post #8  January 29,2012, 8:13pm
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Being of the female persuasion myself I'm going to try to help you here. Yes, I think there is a bit of a cultural barrier especially with the (stigma is too strong of a word but I'll say it) that can be attached to dating an America. She may have felt a little uncomfortable. And agian, being a girl I know that we are crazily prone to moodiness based on random thoughts that pop into our minds and everyone else ends up paying for it. I do think that you should probably do what women do in this situation and leave the ball in her court. If she is truly interested let her plan the next date. You've obviously put yourself out there. She knows you like her even if she's in a bit of denial about it-we sometimes think we aren't "worthy" even when we are "better" than the guy. I really suggest letting her take control for a bit. See what she does. That way there is no pressure from you and you can gauge her true interest. I know where you are coming from being head over heels with someone you work closely with but can't have. I'm still licking the wounds from my last encounter like that. I decided at one point that if I couldn't have him my only options were to be alone forever or marry the guy that plays Captain America (realistic right?). It really does mess with you when you hold someone in such high esteem. But if it doesn't work out. know that you'll eventually get over it. My guy friends have different ways of doing this but I really suggest not plowing through a group of the willing and able mostly because filling a void like that never truly works, you end up feeling even more lonely. Just give it time, she is being erratic and hell, she might not like you that much and not know how to break it off properly or without hurting your feelings. Or she's experimenting with the methods from How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days. Just give her space and time will either bring you together or make you realize that you are meant to be apart.
 
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Raw_Truth is offline Raw_Truth Post #9  January 29,2012, 8:55pm
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I've spent a lot of time in Japan for work (i.e., mixing with the locals and not as a tourist). So, with that, my comments:

First, I'm surprised to hear you say office romances are encouraged in Japan. My experience has been the opposite.

Second, I've dated a LOT internationally and the universal truth is when she likes you, she likes you, and pretty much most things fall into place in the beginning stages. Chalking up her goofy behavior to "culture" is shortsighted IMO.

Third, all cultures have their difficult women, and having known and dated Japanese women, this definitely sounds like one of them. My suggestion is to keep looking. There are a LOT of Japanese women that like American (? not sure if that is you) men such that you don't have to put up with this sort of behavior.

Fourth, you seem unhealthily taken up in this, letting anxiety take over you life. It's stupid to get involved in an office romance.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #10  January 29,2012, 9:37pm
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I've had to do a little clean up in this thread. As most of you know, obscenities and masked obscenities are not allowed on the boards. Please refrain from posting those. If you have any questions about what is or isn't allowed, please refer to the CS. Let's keep this clean, folks! Thank you!
 
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