What is this woman thinking? Any help appreciated.


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KikiAZ is offline KikiAZ Post #21  January 31,2012, 8:09am
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I have also taught in Japan.

I think any woman in this scenario would be rightfully concerned you are playing her--playing with her--as you have others...which she presumably knows about. I understand that you aren't but that doesn't change her perception and this applies whether or not she is wacko.

I am highly concerned that you state you are "in love" with her. Infatuated, perhaps. But you do not have a deep enough, significant enough, relationship to be claiming you are "in love." To the extent you believe that, she probably (correctly) understands that you are projecting what you THINK she is ....rather than who she really is.
 
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Likwit is offline Likwit Post #22  January 31,2012, 6:20pm
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KikiAZ wrote :
I am highly concerned that you state you are "in love" with her. Infatuated, perhaps. But you do not have a deep enough, significant enough, relationship to be claiming you are "in love." To the extent you believe that, she probably (correctly) understands that you are projecting what you THINK she is ....rather than who she really is.
Which is what I'm worried about too. That's why I'm "feeling her out." If it is just infatuation, I feel like I'll figure it out by seeing her. That's why I've been trying to approach this in a different manner. Clearly that didn't work.

The consensus in this thread seems to be that I should have told her my intentions. But the directness of that question was exactly what threw me off. I just felt like I couldn't answer, and it's my understanding of Japanese culture that did it. Japanese people just don't do that. They're almost never that direct. Indirectness is even built into their language.

I guess I felt like it was a trap or something. I'd been out with so many Japanese women and never run into that. Though, I suppose if you ask a direct question, you expect a direct answer.


@Nick, others

I don't mean that I'm not concerned about culture, I mean that I feel I have a deep enough understanding to see where the differences are; a deep enough understanding to know what I don't know. I won't always avoid a problem, but I'll be aware of the cause. I suppose I could be over-confident, but I want to go to grad school here, so I've really invested in this country. I know 4,000 Kanji, I passed the JLPT1, my music and entertainment are all in Japanese, I lived with a Japanese family for a year without issue, I've dated extensively, and I used to do a Girls Day Out every week with the girls from my college. I'm positive that this is a personal issue.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #23  January 31,2012, 6:27pm
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It sounds to me like you want to be sure this woman wants you before you will say you want her. This isn't really how things work, especially for women who are traditional. And traditional is the picture you've painted of her. Is she really this way?

I don't think cultural issues have anything to do with how she treated you after you did your acrobatic act with your answer. I would be highly turned off by a man who said something similar. We want to hear that you asked us out because you found us attractive, desirable, alluring, enchanting, etc. Not something wishy washy.

If you want something with this woman don't make her feel like a filler.
 
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Alli824 is offline Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #24  February 1,2012, 6:43pm
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harnomygirl wrote :
I guess classes recommend that in every country. I wish they'd explain how to do so without freaking out visitors.
Scared the heck out of me. I was practically running back to my hotel and he was on my heels. Poor guy probably thought I was crazy and I thought he was a felon.
 
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Likwit is offline Likwit Post #25  February 4,2012, 1:19am
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So, just a little update. I've been having the same weird ups and downs with this woman for the past few days. The number of times she's been in contact with me just lead me to believe she was interested.

So, I initiated a conversation on a Japanese program kind of like Facebook or something. It was a really great talk we were having. We were chatting for about 3 hours. I was feeling pretty good about it. Obviously I'd have prefered an actual date, but it was fun nonetheless.

Then she started to say some really negative things. She kept calling herself stupid and ugly. She just bashed herself in every message. Because I don't know where we're at exactly, I tried to boost her without laying it on too thick. She persisted, talking about something that had happened at work and calling herself a huge moron. I finally said, "I donno why you say such things. I really like you a lot." I went on to explain why a bit. She simply responded that she didn't believe it. Feeling a bit dejected, I apologized. "Hey, I'm sorry if what I said put you on the spot. Have a nice weekend."


This morning, I got a text on my phone...


{Girl: Good morning! Sorry about last night. I dosed off. No, you didn't put me on the spot at all. Actually, I'm elated. Well, I'm off!
{Me: Have a nice day.


Despite all the awkwardness and strange interactions, I really, really like this girl. I would almost dare to say love if I wouldn't get scolded on this forum...lol. However... This is just too strange. Perhaps I've messed up along the way--I think you all are right that I should have answered some of her questions more directly from the start--but I just can't do this. Thanks for the help, peoples. I give up.
Last edited by Likwit; February 4,2012 at 3:19pm.
 
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