Bring down the wall and get out there


Reply
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
beccaf87 is offline beccaf87 Post #1  January 29,2012, 3:02pm
beccaf87's Avatar

Board Leader - Travel

Joined: Sep 2010

Posts: 1,134

See profile

I haven't made a post in a while. I haven't dated in a while either. It has been about 5-6 months since I have dated. I had a string of bad experiences and then the final kick in the pants this summer. Some of you who remember me may remember that last summer I dated a guy who poofed on me and it hurt me pretty badly. Since then I have not dated. I have been concentrating on other things but have been feeling pretty lonely even when with friends.

I want to get back out there but every time I get close I can feel my wall go up. I look for excuses to not go out. Sometimes I feel as though there is no point as no one can ever really care about me. I also worry that if I do start getting close to someone I will fall for the same lies and get hurt.

At the same time, I worry that the more time I stay away from dating the worse this will get until I never go out again. I need to put myself back out there.

I have a date for tomorrow with a guy I met this weekend at a bar. I am not expecting much, especially since this coming Sunday I will be off to Africa again for three months (he knows this). I want to start putting myself out there again. I would appreciate any advice. Thanks.
 
  Reply With Quote
alethea is offline alethea Post #2  January 29,2012, 3:12pm
alethea's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Dec 2011

Posts: 151

See profile

beccaf87 wrote :
I want to start putting myself out there again. I would appreciate any advice. Thanks.
I would use the time in Africa to teach myself to trust what I think of someone is the reality of that someone.

I am sure you will be meeting new people in Africa. So just use that time to observe and get to know people. Be totally yourself and let others be totally themselves. And see if what you think of them matches up to what they are really like.

Then you will know how to trust yourself to make the right choices when you come back. And I think by being yourself, you will know how to let the walls down that you are building up.

That would be my advice. Good luck.
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  January 29,2012, 3:14pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,679

See profile

Well, it seems you'll have three months before you have to think about this again. (Not including any dating you do in Africa, which seems like it would have to be casual anyway.)

Surely you realize that your lifestyle - multiple months overseas - is not going to work with most people? Assuming you don't want a "friend with benefit" when you're in the US, I think you should give some thought to altering your lifestyle, or market yourself to the rare people who can accept months without their partner.

***

I'd guess the reason guys are lying to you is that you're putting too many expectations on them, so they pretend they meet your expectations when they know they don't.
 
  Reply With Quote
beccaf87 is offline beccaf87 Post #4  January 29,2012, 3:14pm
beccaf87's Avatar

Board Leader - Travel

Joined: Sep 2010

Posts: 1,134

See profile

alethea wrote :
I would use the time in Africa to teach myself to trust what I think of someone is the reality of that someone.

I am sure you will be meeting new people in Africa. So just use that time to observe and get to know people. Be totally yourself and let others be totally themselves. And see if what you think of them matches up to what they are really like.

Then you will know how to trust yourself to make the right choices when you come back. And I think by being yourself, you will know how to let the walls down that you are building up.

That would be my advice. Good luck.
That is really good and makes a lot of sense. I will do that while I am away.
 
  Reply With Quote
beccaf87 is offline beccaf87 Post #5  January 29,2012, 3:19pm
beccaf87's Avatar

Board Leader - Travel

Joined: Sep 2010

Posts: 1,134

See profile

D_Lion wrote :
Well, it seems you'll have three months before you have to think about this again. (Not including any dating you do in Africa, which seems like it would have to be casual anyway.)

Surely you realize that your lifestyle - multiple months overseas - is not going to work with most people? Assuming you don't want a "friend with benefit" when you're in the US, I think you should give some thought to altering your lifestyle, or market yourself to the rare people who can accept months without their partner.

***

I'd guess the reason guys are lying to you is that you're putting too many expectations on them, so they pretend they meet your expectations when they know they don't.
Travel is important so I will not be changing that. However length of time will of course change. Once I finish school this December and get into my career I will not have the time for such extensive travel. I am taking all the chances I get while I have them to go overseas.

What expectations are you talking about? Wanting a relationship? Then yes, because that is what I am looking for. The guys seem to go out of their way to say they want that or sometimes more. I am not going to pretend to a guy that I am not looking for a relationship when I am.
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #6  January 29,2012, 3:37pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,679

See profile

I posted without thinking of your age.

If you're wanting an exclusive partner, for those times you are stateside, then I think that a fair expectation. That, I would not compromise.

If you're wanting that partner to wait for months while you're overseas, I'd have a tough time to sign on, personally. (And I seem to be a lot more willing to endure gaps between meetings than most people.) I think, in this case, you're better off marketing for relationships which will end once you leave. That way, guys don't have to say they will wait, when they know they won't or doubt they can.
 
  Reply With Quote
tangochef is offline tangochef Post #7  January 29,2012, 3:39pm
tangochef's Avatar

enjoying NYC.

Veteran

Joined: May 2011

Southern CA

Posts: 2,358

See profile

D_Lion wrote :
...
Surely you realize that your lifestyle - multiple months overseas - is not going to work with most people? ...
I wish I could meet someone like that except 10 years older. As that is my lifestyle.
 
  Reply With Quote
alethea is offline alethea Post #8  January 29,2012, 3:40pm
alethea's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Dec 2011

Posts: 151

See profile

tangochef wrote :
I wish I could meet someone like that except 10 years older. As that is my lifestyle.
That has got to be a first.
 
  Reply With Quote
beccaf87 is offline beccaf87 Post #9  January 29,2012, 3:43pm
beccaf87's Avatar

Board Leader - Travel

Joined: Sep 2010

Posts: 1,134

See profile

D_Lion wrote :
I posted without thinking of your age.

If you're wanting an exclusive partner, for those times you are stateside, then I think that a fair expectation. That, I would not compromise.

If you're wanting that partner to wait for months while you're overseas, I'd have a tough time to sign on, personally. (And I seem to be a lot more willing to endure gaps between meetings than most people.) I think, in this case, you're better off marketing for relationships which will end once you leave. That way, guys don't have to say they will wait, when they know they won't or doubt they can.
If I do my masters or go into my career after my BS, I will at most be gone for a few weeks each summer. I think a guy should be able to handle that if he doesn't want to come with me. This coming trip is the longest trip I have gone on and I wanted to go this long because my chances to travel may be coming to an end. Once I get into my career and get in a relationship/family I won't travel as much. That is why I travel so much now while I can. After this trip I do not know if/when I will get another chance.
 
  Reply With Quote
tangochef is offline tangochef Post #10  January 29,2012, 3:43pm
tangochef's Avatar

enjoying NYC.

Veteran

Joined: May 2011

Southern CA

Posts: 2,358

See profile

alethea wrote :
That has got to be a first.
She is in her twenties. According to my daughter I am not allowed to date anyone younger than her (26).
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« sigh, back to the drawing board | Dating | Who pays for dates - the 5th and beyond! »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“I did answer and then also updated with news that I was premature - there is no relationship after all.” –  picklesNcream

Join the “Blast off...!” discussion

“For dating. I'm basically in a (lifelong) rut that I would like to get out of. Sadly, my good friends are also in the same place as I am - if not worse. The topic of women is non existent among ... ” –  JohnNorthSydney

Join the “So I've been thinking about getting a coach.” discussion

“I need some advice. I'm 18, never kissed/dated a girl nor obviously had a girlfriend. I just finished my first year at a top 30 university (full ride scholarship) with a 4.0 GPA. Starting my ... ” –  jrw93

Join the “Should I ever date in college?” discussion

“The point is no me seeing their photos, I can see their photos; it is them seeing my photos. This means nothing can be gauged by any interest they show to you. On FCW I've noticed the non-paying ... ” –  JohnNorthSydney

Join the “Free Communication Weekend” discussion

“TD, Have you PM'd eH_Advice_Host_Eve to ask her for help? She is good at helping people tweak their settings so they are more likely to get the results they want. Please consider contacting her if ... ” –  tink333

Join the “Different Strategy” discussion

“Did you know OT stands for on topic and off topic?” –  Bluskies4ever3

Join the “Off -Topic” discussion

“My inner child says I am. Anastasia is intriguing. (Her name too). I like the dress she's wearing in the ad. I wonder how eHarmony picks the couples for their print and TV ads.” –  Bluskies4ever3

Join the “Where is Becky?!?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 6:39am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0