... I ditched a friend to spend time with "A Guy"


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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #1  January 28,2012, 3:04pm
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TD and I broke up... It was difficult, but I felt that I was not enough of a priority in his life, and did not see an opportunity for that to happen in the foreseable future based on the pace things were going. Back story... I really like, even believe I "love" TD... had been together right at 6 months...

Well, long story short... we had broken up. I made plans to go walking with a girlfriend of mine...

TD wanted, really needed to talk to me, and I wanted to hear what he had to say. I told him I would meet him. He had his kids later that day, so the only time he was able to get together, was the same time that I was supposed to have tea with my girlfriend...

I told my girlfriend that I wanted to go talk with TD to see what was going on... her thoughts were that I ditched her to go with "a guy" and she felt it was very inconsiderate.

She is married, and her family is her priority. We see each other maybe once every other month, because she just doesn't have time. I explained to her, that being single, and wanting to build that loving relationship with someone special is also a priority to me, and that I would never intentionally hurt her feelings, and I thought she would understand.

She did not.

Is it just that single people and married people have a different view of the world, or am I a total dweeb? I did profusely apologize, but I was a little surprised that she was so upset and didn't understand. That caught me off guard.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  January 28,2012, 3:12pm
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As I guy, I am used to my friends pushing me out the door, when meeting a woman is on offer.

I'd get laughed at and made fun of not to take the offer.

Your friend sounds needy, not comfortable in her own marriage, to me.
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #3  January 28,2012, 3:18pm
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You cancelled your talk with your friend to talk with the guy you just dumped ?

So you could talk to someone you dumped ?

And you can only get together with your girl friend every other month ?

And since when talking with someone you dumped has become part of a building a loving relationship with someone special ?

I guess you are not done with this TD person seeing how you hurt your girl friend. All she saw is you dumped him to talk to the guy you had supposedly dump.

Or I am missing something, and if that is the case I am sorry.
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #4  January 28,2012, 3:19pm
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Now if you were going on a date or a walk with a new guy, then you would be right ..... She was being oversensitive. But not talking to someone you dumped. Just thought I would clarify.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #5  January 28,2012, 3:25pm
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Goomph wrote :
Now if you were going on a date or a walk with a new guy, then you would be right ..... She was being oversensitive. But not talking to someone you dumped. Just thought I would clarify.
Thanks for clarifying, because I wasn't quite understanding what your first comment meant.

Yes, I wanted to talk to TD, we had just broken up. It was actually a very difficult decision to break up with him... we are now on the path of getting back together, so yes, building a healthy relationship, with open conversation about how we both feel about the situation is exactly what is being established IMO.

To me, if I were just seeing a new guy, that I knew nothing about, had no history or tie to... there would be no urgency, and we could get together whenever he had more time.

Again, I am not trying to excuse my own behavior. It did surprise me that she was so upset about the situation. But, just like I said maybe I should not have been surprised, and I am a total dweeb?
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #6  January 28,2012, 3:26pm
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If you made it a habit, she might have a point.

As it is - plans change, and we're always disappointed when we look forward to seeing a friend and they have to cancel, but that's just how it is sometime.

I'm not sure I would have done the same as you. If you broke up with the guy, it's fine to want to talk with him - but I'd have made him the lesser priority. Just the way my mind works. It seems like you were more concerned with accomodating his (last-minute?) schedule than honoring a committment you'd already made. Did what you find out change anything?

On the other hand, perhaps you could have been a bit less forthcoming with your girlfriend...I've had something come up and I need to reschedule might leave her disappointed but it won't give her ammunition for a pout. And if you really only get together every month or so, she'll have forgotten to ask about it by then. I will confess I have certain friends I feel the need to "manage" a bit lest they follow their tendencies to get somewhat over-invested in my life and choices.
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; January 28,2012 at 3:27pm. Reason: Never mind some of the bits - it wasn't clear in your OP that it was a reconciliaton meeting...you made the right choice.
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #7  January 28,2012, 3:34pm
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She overreacted. Eventually she'll realize that your life is just as important as hers and get over it.
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #8  January 28,2012, 3:40pm
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A reconciliation walk is I guess different. Otherwise my first post was simply telling you that you were wrong to cancel your walk with a girl friend just to have parting words with someone you already left behind. That wasn't in your original post.

I am very careful to keep my promises, and do not take it lightly when people cancel things for irrelevanty things.


I hope enough is changing in your relationship to make you happy(ier) ... Good luck !
 
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MileHighArtist is offline MileHighArtist Post #9  January 28,2012, 3:50pm
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So, you ditched your friend you only see once a month for some dude you broke up with already? Really?I don't blame her for being annoyed.Rather rude on your end. What you should've done is find an alternative time to meet the dude. I find it highly ironic that you break up with the dude cause your not a big enough priority in his life, yet your willing to ditch your friend for him? I don't get it.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #10  January 28,2012, 4:19pm
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jussmile wrote :
Thanks for clarifying, because I wasn't quite understanding what your first comment meant.

Yes, I wanted to talk to TD, we had just broken up. It was actually a very difficult decision to break up with him... we are now on the path of getting back together, so yes, building a healthy relationship, with open conversation about how we both feel about the situation is exactly what is being established IMO.

To me, if I were just seeing a new guy, that I knew nothing about, had no history or tie to... there would be no urgency, and we could get together whenever he had more time.

Again, I am not trying to excuse my own behavior. It did surprise me that she was so upset about the situation. But, just like I said maybe I should not have been surprised, and I am a total dweeb?
My head is spinning! So...when did you break up with him? Did you do this in person or over the phone? So "now you are in the process of getting back together"....If it's only been a few days...I wouldn't even think it is breaking up but just an argument...

I think your friend absolutely has a right to her feelings being hurt....She cares for you, made time in her schedule to see you, and then you cancelled.

You can either be defensive about it and try to get validation for you being "right"......Or, you can say how you understand she is hurt, you should have followed through on your plans with her and scheduled time to talk with TD a few hours later or the next day.

There wasn't any emergency here with TD...If you had said to him, "I'm sorry but I have plans with Jane, I'll be happy to talk with you later today, tomorrow...whenever"....Most people would understand that you had other plans...
 
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