My Kids are the #1 priority in my life...


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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #1  January 28,2012, 2:13pm
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If someone says this in their profile... or to you directly, listen! :-)... I think I have definitely learned my lesson when it comes to this. I personally believe that if someone has to state this, they are trying to convey a message... that you will always be runner-up, and that they don't have time to form a real relationship with you until their kids are to a point where they can be either more self-sufficient... or maybe not at all.

I have kids as well and would never tell a potential partner that they are not as much of a priority, that my relationship is not as much of a priority as that with my partner. They are BOTH a priority, and they BOTH need time and attention. I think until you are to the point where you are able to balance, and figure out that you can have multiple priorities in your life... then you should be honest with a potential partner that they will not have a significant place in your life/heart until you can get past that.

No real question... just sharing a thought.

Had a guy contact me today who said exactly that on his profile... "my kids are the most important things in my life and my first priority" ... this was a turn-off.
 
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Mike74 is offline Mike74 Post #2  January 28,2012, 2:32pm
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Jussmile,

I understand your concern, based upon your recent experience. I also agree that everyone has multiple priorities in their lives, and must continually balance these priorities, and on occassions when balance is not possible, perform triage to assure that the most urgent priority at any particular moment gets addressed.

I would caution, however, against reading too much into this line in a profile. To me, it seems like one of those profile cliches (like "living life to the fullest") that in most instances is probably meaningless. This line may also be an attempt by men who are the non-custodial parent of their kids to convey that they are serious in their partental responsibilities. If this match's profile is otherwise appeal, why don't you communicate with him and ask him to clarify the meaning of this statement. Good luck!
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #3  January 28,2012, 2:43pm
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Sometimes it just means that they'd prefer a girlfriend who won't be upset when they spend a Saturday with the kids without them. A mate who complains about your one-on-one time with your children can be very stressful and can hurt the family dynamic. You do have to talk to the match to understand what he thinks he's saying.

Don't ask directly though. I tried that once on this site and it wasn't taken very well. Just talk about his children with him and after he starts to like you make sure he doesn't neglect them in order to make you happier.
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #4  January 28,2012, 3:03pm
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I would just ignore it. Honestly, and start dating, and I would never ask if I was less improtant then his/her children. You will find out pretty soon how he/she balances his/her time.

What is a person supposed to say when asked if a new match would be #1 prirority, yes ? I doubt that is an answer which will ever come for a new match or a 6 month relationship. I know families where one partner says the kids are his/her #1 priority and the other spouse is #2 or #3.

I would just ignore it and see how the priorities works out. Some people might be time greedy and ask a match for all of her/his time, and maybe this is their way of stating, you will not be #1 prirority. Doesn't mean the match won't get a reasonable amount of time though.

It is one of those meaningless things if you ask me
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #5  January 28,2012, 3:09pm
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Goomph wrote :

It is one of those meaningless things if you ask me

Then why go out of your way to specifically state it? If meaningless, no reason to actually put in the profile or state during the first conversation. I think the person is trying to convey a very clear message...
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #6  January 28,2012, 3:12pm
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Like living life to the fullest, and I love to travel ....

All they want you to know is they have children, and they have demands on their parent. They were probably burnt once, and now they are making sure that if they have to start shuffling their relationship with their obligations to their children, the match won;t freak out on them.

My take, it is a heads up .... You will never know if it is a real deal breaker or not unless you date them.

jussmile wrote :
Then why go out of your way to specifically state it? If meaningless, no reason to actually put in the profile or state during the first conversation. I think the person is trying to convey a very clear message...
 
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notyet is offline notyet Post #7  January 28,2012, 3:29pm
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...
Last edited by notyet; January 28,2012 at 3:29pm. Reason: perhaps i'll find time for a fuller explanation later.
 
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myusernamehere is online now myusernamehere Post #8  January 28,2012, 4:11pm
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Very true.
 
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smileygirl is offline smileygirl Post #9  January 28,2012, 4:21pm
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I think it is a cliche, and maybe in there to say "hey, I am a dad and I am a good parent". Listen, I have dated a few men, who put the women in their life above their kids, and that is a far bigger turn off to me.
 
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tangochef is offline tangochef Post #10  January 28,2012, 4:29pm
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I close the match when I read this. It shows that they have not learned to compartmentalize.
 
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