crosswordcook is offline crosswordcook Post #1  January 28,2012, 8:05am
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I've become very demoralized about never being asked for a second date. All of the men I have first dates with are ones who initiated online contact with me, so presumably they had some interest or attraction to my online self. (Not that I go on that many first dates, frankly.) And online self is very much a representation of my in-person self -- I don't put on a different persona in my profile. Yet, I have not been asked on a second date in over a year, even after dates that I thought went well. I haven't even had to politely turn anyone down for a second date because I wasn't interested. I'm starting to believe that there's something terribly wrong with me or that I make some terrible mistake on every date. What might be the problem? I feel like just giving up.
 
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RockyRaccoon83 is offline RockyRaccoon83 Post #2  January 28,2012, 8:10am
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Well, assuming you're not misrepresenting yourself in any way online, and assuming it's not a "small sample size" thing, it could be a result of the energy you're putting out on your dates. What are your dates generally like? What do you typically talk about? Describing a typical date for you would go a long way towards diagnosing a problem.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  January 28,2012, 8:10am
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When I have a first meeting, and do not seek a second, I wish the woman good luck at the end of dinner. I think I am making myself clear that I don't want to meet again.

When I come to this conclusion, the reasons are mostly overweight; followed by shortcomings of intelligence, knowledge, education, employment; and then lack of her showing investment / effort.

Assuming your photos are accurate and you present well on grooming, etc, then I'd guess there's no "vibe" - lack of fun conversation, laughter - or it's your lack of effort.
 
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Christine_ is offline Christine_ Post #4  January 28,2012, 8:38am
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A lot of first dates are very shallow. Are you confident in your looks? Are your profile photos current and do they accurately show your body shape? That's the most common (though shallow) reason for no second date, especially if they are all dates where he initiates the first communication.

If you're confident in your looks, then it might be something about your style of conversation and interacting. I think the most common mistake that both men and women can make is to be overly negative. Negative conversation is a turn-off, but lots of people fall into that pattern without realizing it. Some random "don'ts" for first/early conversation

Don't...
- talk about ex
- "interview" your date
- talk about what you want in a relationship long-term (unless your date brings it up and there's no avoiding it)
- be too quiet
- be too dominating of the conversation
- complain or be negative about anything in life
- talk too loud
- get too drunk
- be sarcastic or teasing
- talk about money

Just my random thoughts.
 
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crosswordcook is offline crosswordcook Post #5  January 28,2012, 9:14am
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I'm not overweight -- I think I'm average but other people have recently called me thin (including my doctor, who seems reliable). I'm intelligent and well-educated, with very expensive grad school student loans to match. I have a good job. Men have told me, unsolicited, that I'm pretty. I think I'm pretty solid on basic dating attributes. And I make friends in person very easily, so my lack of success can be due to being boring or offensive.

My typical first date style? Well, I'm generally open to whatever the guy suggests. Typically that's been drinks or coffee, occasionally dinner. The conversation tends to be the basic "getting to know you" stuff -- where we're from, college, job, how we ended up living in the city, brief mention of family (not future family, that would be nuts -- the family we each grew up with), books we like, hobbies. With some dates we've shared lots of laughs and had very easy conversation. Those are the ones that I'm surprised when they disappear after the first date. The just okay dates are generally the same conversation topics but with fewer laughs and connection. The only dates I've had where I felt like I wouldn't at all give the person another chance is when he talks about himself the whole night and doesn't show any interest in hearing what I have to say. Give and take in a conversation is very important to me.

Anyway, I can understand about not being asked out a second time on the dates that were lukewarm but that I wouldn't turn down a second date. It's the ones that I thought went well that confuse me. I've never gotten a "Nice to meet you, we're not a match but good luck" at the end of a date.

The small sample size is a good point. I don't like to initiate because frankly, I am interested in dating all races but I'm not in a very popular racial demographic myself.
 
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nick222 is offline nick222 Post #6  January 28,2012, 9:34am
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crosswordcook wrote :
I've become very demoralized about never being asked for a second date.
Do you ever initiate the second date? Or do you just wait to be asked? I ask because it's possible that you're somehow unintentionally conveying to them on the first date that you're not very interested in them, so they're not initiating further. If you initiate, it will clear up any doubt.

Of course, as happens to any of us, some of your first dates probably aren't interested in going out with you again. I doubt this is the case with all of them, though, if your profile is an accurate reflection of you. (They were clearly attracted to your profile since they wanted to go out the first time.)
 
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crosswordcook is offline crosswordcook Post #7  January 28,2012, 9:40am
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If I'm interested in seeing the guy again after a first date, I'll usually email him the next day or a few days later thanking him for a good time and saying to let me know if they are interested in getting together again. If I'm more lukewarm, I might email a thank you and that it was nice to meet. If I'm not really interested, I leave the first date at that, although in all of these scenarios I always thank the person at the end of the date.

(As an aside, I started this thread in another forum too, not knowing if that was allowed, and now I wish I had limited it to one forum.)
 
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nick222 is offline nick222 Post #8  January 28,2012, 9:55am
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crosswordcook wrote :
If I'm interested in seeing the guy again after a first date, I'll usually email him the next day or a few days later thanking him for a good time and saying to let me know if they are interested in getting together again.
This is good advice. People who do this are the ones who are most likely to get a second date from me, particularly if there was any lingering doubt from the first date.
 
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crosswordcook is offline crosswordcook Post #9  January 28,2012, 10:02am
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nick222 wrote :
This is good advice. People who do this are the ones who are most likely to get a second date from me, particularly if there was any lingering doubt from the first date.
So if there's nothing wrong with my follow-up, I guess even the dates I thought went well didn't actually?
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #10  January 28,2012, 10:04am
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Well....meeting people from online is a huge numbers game. Think of it this way. In real life, if you go to a party with a 100 single guys in it, you'll rapidly eliminate all but maybe two or three where the attraction is mutual and you'll talk and decide to follow up that meet with a date. When you go out with all three, you'll then narrow it down to one you really click with the most and start dating him more. So, out of a 100 single guys you might go out with three at the most and end up dating one. Online, you actually have to go meet every single one of those 100 guys until you meet that one. It may happen that you are really really lucky and it's guy #2 or it might not happen until you go out with guy #100.

So, given that perspective, it doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you and anything that you are doing. Could just be a numbers thing.

So one way to increase your numbers is for you to start contacting guys who interest you online. This way you are not just passively waiting for some guy to e-mail you. Another thing is that if you liked him and had a great date, be sure that you give him a warm hug when parting and indicate that you'd like to see him again. In short, show interest and encourage him to continue with you. If you suspect that you might come across as too reserved on the date and too hard to read, then send him a nice brief text the next day to say hello. Again, show interest, so he knows that if he calls you for a second date, you won't ignore him.
 
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