Would you date someone in AA?


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scully98 is offline scully98 Post #21  January 27,2012, 1:27pm
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good points, Mike. with this particular guy, I had purposely ordered a glass of wine at dinner just to see how he'd react. he'd told me that he was fine with people drinking in front of him. but I wonder if that was what he had a real issue with. I'll never know, but it does make me wonder.
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #22  January 27,2012, 1:44pm
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Scully, I don't think you missed out on anything w/ this guy. Addicts, by nature, tend to be very self-centered. And while I commend anyone who has acknowledged and is working toward conquering an addiction, it is very much an uphill battle... for them and the people in their lives.

Addicts tend to live on roller-coasters, not merry-go-rounds. And this extends to their romantic/personal lives. So, while this guy may have enjoyed your company, thought you were bang'n hot and he could have easily taken things further, he probably wanted to feel the Earth quake.

No matter, it really is you who dodged that bullet.
Last edited by Special-K; January 27,2012 at 2:16pm. Reason: b/c I didn't want to overly generalize.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #23  January 27,2012, 1:54pm
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It all depends on how long they have been sober. I dated a man, actually got engaged, back in the mid 90's....We dated for a little over 2 years and he was sober when I met him for over 11...

He still attended weekly AA meetings as well as he was a sponsor for newcomers. He was perfectly stable, had no trouble being around alcohol, was not selfish in the slightest (referenced in another post)....He is an amazing man who is now happily married and still enjoying a sober life. We are also very good friends to this day as well.

I attended Al-Anon meetings which are for friends/family of addicts. This was extremely helpful for me in that I grew up with my mom as an alcoholic (sober now), as well as helped me understand a lot about the subject and be more supportive.

So, it really didn't enter into the equation. I don't think I would get involved with a newly sober person...and yes, they don't recommend dating until a year out.

I understand that many do not subscribe to any type of religion or "higher power" but AA absolutely promotes taking full responsibility for your actions as well as going to those you have hurt and asking their forgiveness. Most people who think they are just strong enough on their own to say "no" when they are an addict usually end up using again quickly.

That's the only thing that is given up to God...is that you can't do it all by yourself...That a sponsor, and others who are going through something similar, and friends/family willing to encourage you all help in your recovery. That if it was just about pure willpower...everyone would be quitting cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, etc. in a heartbeat...I don't happen to think that those who use are just "weak" and I am strong to control what I drink...I do believe that genetics also plays a strong role.

Anyway....everyone has their own thoughts on this and that is ok...I am blessed to know some wonderful recovering addicts that have fought extremely hard to live a better life for themselves and that I think is great!
Last edited by Ingytravel; January 27,2012 at 1:58pm.
 
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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #24  January 27,2012, 2:13pm
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tangochef wrote :
We had a long discussion about this a while back. I stand by what I said then "Once a drunk, always a drunk".

No, I would not date an alcoholic.
I remember that thread. And you're 'once a drunk, always a drunk' phrasing sounds just as distasteful now as it did then.
 
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tangochef is offline tangochef Post #25  January 27,2012, 3:18pm
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FairOne wrote :
I remember that thread. And you're 'once a drunk, always a drunk' phrasing sounds just as distasteful now as it did then.
It is not saying anything different than what others are saying on this thread. I am just being a bit more blunt.

Addiction is not something one can turn on and off. Suppress it for a period of time? Maybe.
 
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Emmyjoy is offline Emmyjoy Post #26  January 27,2012, 4:02pm
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Nope. I have friends who are recovering alcoholics. I have noticed the inclination to replace one vice with another.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #27  January 27,2012, 5:00pm
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Once someone gets to the root cause of the addiction, then they are less likely to exchange one for another. This is where AA is very effective for many...it helps you process all the emotions that led most people to seek out ways to numb themselves.

People do this with food, drugs, alcohol, work, not eating, gambling, video games, etc. The need "in control" with something...anything...since everything else 'seems' out of control. The desperate need to soothe and feel better.

So, even if someone doesn't choose to go to AA...It's imperative for recovery and to stay this way to really work on one's self to get to the pain underneath. Many people that I know that are years sober, are actually more in tune with their own emotions and how they handle difficulties than many non addicts.
 
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4disney is offline 4disney Post #28  January 27,2012, 5:07pm
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It would really depend on the circumstance.

I am a social drinker and would probably miss not being able to partake or feeling guilty about it.
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #29  January 27,2012, 5:23pm
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Addiction is a very difficult personality issue to treat. I am of the opinion that it is always an uphill battle even if they recover. They have to keep fighting. I had offered to take someone to AA meetings and attend the sessions with her just so she would go and get sober, and I was reading a lot of boards at that time. It is definitely not for faint of heart.


As much as I do not like to hear the phrase 'once a drunk, always a drunk', I realize the message it conveys and even though it still hurts to acccept, unfortunately in a lot of cases it seems to be correct.

And one has to also go into such a relationhip with their eyes wide open, because if there is alcohol abuse, there might possibly be other problems related to alcohol abuse, like gambling, infidelity etc.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #30  January 27,2012, 5:55pm
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Goomph wrote :
Addiction is a very difficult personality issue to treat. I am of the opinion that it is always an uphill battle even if they recover. They have to keep fighting. I had offered to take someone to AA meetings and attend the sessions with her just so she would go and get sober, and I was reading a lot of boards at that time. It is definitely not for faint of heart.


As much as I do not like to hear the phrase 'once a drunk, always a drunk', I realize the message it conveys and even though it still hurts to acccept, unfortunately in a lot of cases it seems to be correct.

And one has to also go into such a relationhip with their eyes wide open, because if there is alcohol abuse, there might possibly be other problems related to alcohol abuse, like gambling, infidelity etc.
I do agree that the person is always in recovery for the rest of their life. It is like leading a healthy lifestyle with exercise and eating right...it needs daily attention to not go off track and maintaining the ability to handle the ups and downs of life without leaning on their drug of choice.
 
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