Random encounters in real life: Should I move slower?


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RandomConstant is offline RandomConstant Post #1  January 27,2012, 6:44am
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So when it comes to dating sites, I gathered here that most of you agree that one should not linger in early exchanges and aim for a first date as soon as possible.

But what about in real life, more specifically when you happen to stumble upon someone interesting in a setting where you know you could meet them again, say in your daily commute, at the gym or heck, even in the office?

So far, in such encounters, I don't wait long before asking a woman out to a dinner date, like at the end of the second time I meet them. My bus commute, for instance, is about 45 minutes long, and I can usually chat for the whole duration with a lady I'm interested in.

I'm wondering if stepping forward after not that long is actually harmful to my goal of dating. What's your experience, your feelings? Should I thread more cautiously outside the land of dating sites?
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #2  January 27,2012, 7:20am
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Walking right up to women to get to the end goal of phone number or dinner date..is a random pick-up.

It could be more of a long shot, since dating sites are for people looking to date, not random people shopping, commuting, etc. getting hit on.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #3  January 27,2012, 7:40am
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I am open to the idea of being approached IRL, but a lot depends on the approach. Asking for a phone number or a date outright on a bus might be off-putting. Finding out a bit about the person and suggesting meeting at a venue of interest to both is better.

For instance, I read...a lot. If I'm sitting in public somewhere and someone approaches me, I'm generally reading. A conversation about that and a mention of an author that's appearing at a local bookstore would appeal to me, especially if it's suggested as a casual meeting with perhaps a cup of coffee afterward. It gives me a chance to see how someone acts in public and takes more the "random stranger attempting a pick-up" out of the equation.

Of course, the end result is the same, but there's a lot to be said for finesse.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #4  January 27,2012, 8:04am
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I absolutely agree it's all about finesse and being able to read the situation correctly. Someone who comes on too strong, too quickly making me feel like they are just trying to collect phone numbers is a turn off. Someone who engages in conversation where we find out we have things in common and where it doesn't feel like a "pick up"....is someone that intrigues me

I think saying something along the line of, "I've enjoyed meeting you and would like to continue our conversation over lunch or dinner sometime. May I get your phone number to call you and set this up soon?"....

Just giving an example...It's direct enough to know that they are interested, but also gives and easy out if I'm not interested back.

I would either say, "Sure, that would be great...my number is....."...or "I appreciate the offer but I think I'm going to pass...it was nice meeting you though.."

OP, I think after the first meet is fine if it's a random place that you aren't likely to bump into them again...And certainly ok after a few times of seeing them in a place that you mention.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #5  January 27,2012, 8:57am
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Well, personally, when a guy is approaching me because he is attracted and wants to ask me out on a date, I can see it a mile away. By the time he gets around to it I've already long decided on the yes or no on that. So personally, I'd rather get it over with within that initial conversation. This means that you do need to spend time on social chit chat and do not want to jump straight to asking me out. However, extending things to several conversations over several days, where I can see he is just working up the courage, is not particularly appealing to me personally. I emphasize personally, because not all women think alike.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #6  January 27,2012, 9:35am
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RandomConstant wrote :
So when it comes to dating sites, I gathered here that most of you agree that one should not linger in early exchanges and aim for a first date as soon as possible.

But what about in real life, more specifically when you happen to stumble upon someone interesting in a setting where you know you could meet them again, say in your daily commute, at the gym or heck, even in the office?

So far, in such encounters, I don't wait long before asking a woman out to a dinner date, like at the end of the second time I meet them. My bus commute, for instance, is about 45 minutes long, and I can usually chat for the whole duration with a lady I'm interested in.

I'm wondering if stepping forward after not that long is actually harmful to my goal of dating. What's your experience, your feelings? Should I thread more cautiously outside the land of dating sites?

Personally I would never walk up to a woman I see and ask her out cold without any sort of conversation prior.

Im real life meting I would usually ask after the second or third meeting before I asked them out...but it depended om the length/depth of conversation.

The only time I could see myself asking them after the first meeting is if there was a long conversation and it was in an environment where meeting people was expected. If I was interested in her and we had a meeting at a place I didnt go to on any consistnt basis Id be more inclinded to ask her then.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #7  January 27,2012, 10:04am
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If someone sat down next to me on the bus and on the second commute asked me out or intimated that was what they wanted I would be a bit put off. If we had been sharing a seat on a daily commute for a week or two that would seem a whole more reasonable.
 
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RandomConstant is offline RandomConstant Post #8  January 27,2012, 10:37am
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Thanks for the input, this reinforces my previous thought. Like wiseman pointed out, a fact I didn't manage to put in my first post, dating sites are a place where people are looking for a date, and expecting them, unlike in real life.

Just to clarify, of course I don't outright ask them out! I'll always have a nice chat beforehand, to know a bit more about their setting, their tastes, what sort of restaurant they like (this is usually a good spot to know where to invite them to.)

I guess I rushed mostly because I wanted to avoid looking like just a friend, and wanted to come out clear about my intentions (and avoid stepping into the friendzone.)

I'll try to hold on my horses from now on. Sure, self-confidence is appealing, but maybe that was too much too early? Gee, and I thought women dreamed of being swept off their feet!
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #9  January 27,2012, 10:56am
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RandomConstant wrote :
Thanks for the input, this reinforces my previous thought. Like wiseman pointed out, a fact I didn't manage to put in my first post, dating sites are a place where people are looking for a date, and expecting them, unlike in real life.

Just to clarify, of course I don't outright ask them out! I'll always have a nice chat beforehand, to know a bit more about their setting, their tastes, what sort of restaurant they like (this is usually a good spot to know where to invite them to.)

I guess I rushed mostly because I wanted to avoid looking like just a friend, and wanted to come out clear about my intentions (and avoid stepping into the friendzone.)

I'll try to hold on my horses from now on. Sure, self-confidence is appealing, but maybe that was too much too early? Gee, and I thought women dreamed of being swept off their feet!
Girls who still dream of being princesses and women who have unrealistic notions of romance dream of being swept off their feet. The rest of us would rather not risk a twisted ankle upon landing.
 
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