PG-13 is offline PG-13 Post #1  January 24,2012, 10:02pm
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Okay,

I've been accused of starting too many threads, but here's another one. Current situation - had a really nice date last weekend, have a second date coming this weekend.

It was good enough for me to stop the "add new daily matches." However,

One of my previous matches that I've been in EHarmony mail communication with has moved to the "wants to go on a date" stage. Should I tell her I already had a really great first date and be totally up front about that, or just date both people until things get more serious (there's a "lets be exclusive" talk and I have to make a decision)

Is there etiquette about such a situation? All of my dates until this last one had no prospects for a second date, but I'm in Euncharted waters now.

Hopefully this is different enough from prior threads that I don't irk the powers that be ;o)
 
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boomer_gal is online now boomer_gal Post #2  January 24,2012, 10:51pm
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If it were me, I'd stall things with the 2nd woman till you've had date #2 w/ the first. You should have a better idea by then if you are headed towards the relationship zone. But that's me & I've never felt comfortable w/ multi-dating. I can, however, understand why it can make sense to do so. There's surely no harm in asking out the 2nd woman, if you are comfortable w/ it.
 
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Michelle1983 is offline Michelle1983 Post #3  January 24,2012, 11:00pm
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What I wonder about this situation though is that if he 'stalls' with the second girl, she'll start to wonder why he's taking so long, not getting back to her, not moving forward, etc, etc, and could just simply lose interest altogether (as other threads have been made with this exact problem).

So how does one overcome this? Message the person and tell them what's happening so they're aware?

I'm just curious... I'm not active on EH right now as I'm taking a break from all men, but this situation worries me when I do start. I don't deal well with trying to juggle multiple guys and would prefer to just try it with one guy at a time.

...but I don't want all others to write me off because of it.
 
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AndieIsMe is offline AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #4  January 24,2012, 11:37pm
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There are pros and cons to the many different ways you can handle this.

If you ignore her, you chance her losing interest and you won't have the opportunity to go on a 1st date with her ever. Or, she could be aware that people have lives to live and would be OK with the lack of communication (until you've gone on the second date with lady #1)

If you tell her outright that you met someone else and want to see where it goes, she could get her nose out of joint and not want to give you a chance if things don't pan out. She could also see this as you being a good communicator and appreciate your honesty.

If you just go on a date with her and she finds out you were already dating someone else (which, in my book, you aren't) she could see this as you trying to be a player and next you. Or, she may be dating other people as well and see this as completely normal. It's not really her business if you are dating others at this point anyway.

I had a good friend who would tell his other matches that he wanted to focus on one person and he would let them know if the situation changed. Most seemed OK with this, from what he told me.

Personally, I don't think it's her business if you are dating more than one person. But, to ignore her and then expect her to just be OK with it several weeks down the line is not realistic thinking on your part.

If you want to focus on one person, do it. But, don't shut and lock the door on the second woman if you truly see yourself being able to meet her if things don't go well on date #2 with lady #1.
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #5  January 25,2012, 12:11am
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Date both people until you decide to focus on one person which should be once you and said match decides to become exclusive with each other.

Never tell someone that you are dating someone else unless you are starting a relationship. You are too early in the dating stages to put all of your eggs in one basket.

B.Y.
 
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melvimbe is online now melvimbe Post #6  January 25,2012, 2:36am
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I agree with BY, unless you are just uncomfortable with mulitdating. It sounds more like you are ok with it, you just are unsure of how to handle it. Definitely don't tell either date that you have an upcoming date with someone else. I wouldn't like about it...I'd answer the question if they ask, but you don't need to explain yourself or give details. The idea that you are required to be exclusive with someone you hardly know really doesn't know doesn't make any sense.

Some people just are not comfortable with multidating. They feel like it's too much to keep up with and not fair to the people they are seeing. On the other hand, some don't want to turn away a potential relationship just because they happen to already have a date planned. I also tend to think that keeping my options tends to make it easier to relax and be myself on dates, on a subconscious level or something.
 
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melvimbe is online now melvimbe Post #7  January 25,2012, 2:36am
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I agree with BY, unless you are just uncomfortable with mulitdating. It sounds more like you are ok with it, you just are unsure of how to handle it. Definitely don't tell either date that you have an upcoming date with someone else. I wouldn't like about it...I'd answer the question if they ask, but you don't need to explain yourself or give details. The idea that you are required to be exclusive with someone you hardly know really doesn't know doesn't make any sense.

Some people just are not comfortable with multidating. They feel like it's too much to keep up with and not fair to the people they are seeing. On the other hand, some don't want to turn away a potential relationship just because they happen to already have a date planned. I also tend to think that keeping my options tends to make it easier to relax and be myself on dates, on a subconscious level or something.
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #8  January 25,2012, 5:15am
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Based on my latest experience, I would have to say date the #2 as well, until you have to make a choice. I had been dating someone for around 1.5 months I believe, and talking with another woman on eH, just mailing back and forth.

On the last date, she came over for the weekend, we cooked, had a fantastic weekend, and on Sunday I dropped her in her house, we made plans to see each other next weekend, hugged kissed and I left. At this stage I had already pulled all my pictures and stopped new matches from coming. I was going to let the #2 woman I never met that I would have to stop talking to her because I had found someone, and wanted to see where it leads. And BOOM, I was e-mailed by #1 and she thought we were not a good match, and that was the end of it.

Until you are firmly established and have a relationshhip, and have the exclusivity talk, I would keep dating others .... Just my humble opinion.
 
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olneyjeeps is offline olneyjeeps Post #9  January 25,2012, 5:16am
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Don't date either... dating implies expectation. Have fun with them, do what you like doing, be yourself. If someone expects the other to be communicating with none but themselves, they don't belong on a dating site.

As for the "let's be exclusive" talk, as I have said before, I think it is nothing more than an attempt to control. If / when you want to be exclusive, BE exclusive... for you, not because someone says they want you to be or because of extrinsic motivation. The other will (should) realize it. If / when they want to be exclusive, they either will or will not, regardless of what you get them to say. Exclusivity should be of desire for self, not product of expectation.
 
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LongLocks is offline LongLocks Post #10  January 25,2012, 5:30am
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Go ahead and meet No. 2.
 
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