Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #11  January 25,2012, 5:36am
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Am I getting this right, this is what I am reading. When you have been dating someone, you will decide to be exclusive, so you will only date the person you like/love, and only have sex with him, but you do not want to be controlling, so if they do not feel like beign exclusive with you, you will be completely ok with them dating and sleeping with others ?

Where is the control part coming into play here ??? You want to be exclusive, you tell him/her, hey you wanna just date me, be exclusive you know ? And if she/he says, yeah I was thinking the same, then it is a done deal. If she/he says, naaaa, I want my options open, then you deal with it.

People can only control you if you let them ... You don't want to be exclusive, and he says lets be exclusive, and you just say, nope, not yet ... I gotta get to know you more first.

I am compuzzled .....

olneyjeeps wrote :
Don't date either... dating implies expectation. Have fun with them, do what you like doing, be yourself. If someone expects the other to be communicating with none but themselves, they don't belong on a dating site.

As for the "let's be exclusive" talk, as I have said before, I think it is nothing more than an attempt to control. If / when you want to be exclusive, BE exclusive... for you, not because someone says they want you to be or because of extrinsic motivation. The other will (should) realize it. If / when they want to be exclusive, they either will or will not, regardless of what you get them to say. Exclusivity should be of desire for self, not product of expectation.
 
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the_shadow is offline the_shadow Post #12  January 25,2012, 6:37am
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Possibly in this situation myself, as I have three first dates looming, and one of the women and I have great conversations. My game plan is to go on each date, and see how it goes.
If it is going well with all of them, keep it up, until the point where I start to develop feelings - once that happens, it is no longer fair to the others.
There is an argument for telling the other person right off the bat, but we are all on this dating site, we all assume that everybody is dating until the convo
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #13  January 25,2012, 7:42am
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PG-13 wrote :
Okay,

I've been accused of starting too many threads, but here's another one. Current situation - had a really nice date last weekend, have a second date coming this weekend.

It was good enough for me to stop the "add new daily matches."
This was foolhardy. You have had one date that went well and you have built a long term relationship from that. You do have a second date scheduled but your "relationship" may end at that or at the 5th date or 10th date, etc.

However, one of my previous matches that I've been in EHarmony mail communication with has moved to the "wants to go on a date" stage. Should I tell her I already had a really great first date and be totally up front about that, or just date both people until things get more serious (there's a "lets be exclusive" talk and I have to make a decision).
(continued) Until such time as you both are on the same page about where your budding relationship is headed, i.e. had a discussion about being exclusive and you BOTH agree that you want to be exclusive, you should continue in your search. All of your fascination with this match and your assessment that the date went well, etc. may not be shared by your match. It could be that she was lukewarm on the first date and wants to see if "chemistry" builds on a second date. Or she may have nothing better to do so accepted a second date just to have something fun to do. By the same token after the second date you may discover something about her that you don't like.

Is there etiquette about such a situation? All of my dates until this last one had no prospects for a second date, but I'm in Euncharted waters now.

Hopefully this is different enough from prior threads that I don't irk the powers that be ;o)
I don't know who or why anyone has said that you are starting too many threads. Only if you were starting threads that were inappropriate, such as for the sake of creating argument, were duplicates or were just total nonsense and of a very great number can I see where you should be told that you are creating too many threads. From what I have seen you are asking legitimate questions and your do participate in the discussions.
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #14  January 25,2012, 8:13am
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I agree with Gr8Guyn2008, I don't know why people would say you are starting too many threads. I'm not sure if you're referring to the comment I made in your profile review. It had nothing to do with the # you're starting, only that sometimes your responses seem a bit dismissive of the advice you're receiving and that sometimes when that happens it makes people less interested in responding. It doesn't mean you have to agree with everything that is posted or do what people say, but acknowledging different viewpoints can go a long way.

Personally, I agree with the majority here, I would go on the date with match #2 and heck, I would probably not have shut off my matches. (Unless dating more than one person makes you terribly uncomfortable.) I think it's great you're getting to a place where you connect with a date and are eager for date 2, but at this stage. But from my past experience there is still a high probability that it could not translate into a relationship. Sometimes interest is mismatched. Other times you lose momentum as things go along or find out that while the chemistry might be there, you might not be compatible relationship wise. Everyone is different, but for me it can take 5+ dates to reach a point where I have enough experience and information about someone to want to focus on them and only them.

Consider that if you stall #2 (either vaguely or overtly) there's a good chance that you may never meet them. As others have said, her interest could decline or she could find someone else. Personally, I'd strike while the iron is hot. I think many people when they are on an online dating site don't expect that in the first few dates the other person will be seeing only them. It makes the whole experience potentially less effective. And honestly, it's less awkward and difficult than you think. I've used online dating sites on and off for years and in the beginning stages am going on dates with multiple guys at a time. No one has ever asked about anyone else I'm seeing and as long as I'm giving them consistent attention (without leading them to believe I'm exclusive if I'm not) it's never been an issue. Generally also things just naturally fall out where out of all the people one feels the most right for me.

On the opposite side of the equation, I did have one guy who I went on one date with and then told me after he couldn't see me again because he had been on 5 dates with someone else and wanted to pursue that relationship. We ended up picking things up again a month later when things hadn't worked out so starting again is possible, but it feels like the exception more than the rule.
 
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PG-13 is offline PG-13 Post #15  January 25,2012, 9:56am
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Well,

I plan on moving forward with date #2 (I need next week's schedule and then I'll let her know). You folks are right, maybe I was overrating how well date #1 went... it just was really good relative to my other EHarmony experiences... but in the end, its only one date.

I definitely think given that if I get serious with someone from EHarmony, there needs to be an "exclusiveness" conversation at some point... Whether thats date #4 or #5 or who knows when... its not a "control" thing unless all monogamous relationships are by definition controlling (and there is some truth to that).
 
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