'Not ready for a relationship' - Can it ever be true?


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teedw is offline teedw Post #1  January 24,2012, 5:27am
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I know that the dreaded "I'm not ready for a relationship" line is one of the most common blowoff excuses that otherwise really means "I am just not that into you", but I am wondering if it can ever be true?

I have been dating this guy for about a month - things seemed to be going well - we spoke often every day, went on about 4-5 dates, talked often, and showed genuine affection and support for eachother. Yesterday, after making plans to meet up (initiated by him), he said he was scared to committ to a relationship right now because they don't feel stable enough to do so. He said he wants to have me in his life, even if just as friends for the time being.

A bit of background: he battled drug addiction for a few years, and is currently in therapy every week. He also hasn't had a relationship in about 2 years, and said that dealing with this baggage makes him feel he is not at a point in his life to deal with a relationship. He has been clean for the past few years and said that he's come a long way and wants to keep going.

That made me wonder, "why not with me?"

When we met, we met with none of us looking for anything, but feelings developed unexpectedly for both of us.

Now, I am not naïve to assume he is just using that as an excuse, but part of me thinks there may be some truth to the “not readiness”. I don’t, however, have much experience or a good perspective right now to figure it out, so I am asking here, what people think, may be the truth.

Can someone ever reject someone they like for some innate "fear"? I feel you'd stick it outif you liked them, but maybe I am wrong.

Should I wait around? Be friendly? Leave the ball in their court? Move on?
Last edited by teedw; January 24,2012 at 8:51am.
 
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Alli824 is offline Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #2  January 24,2012, 10:34am
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See him and continue to date. Some people are just scared to deal with the label "relationship" or quite frankly they're too damaged. I would not wait around for someone who isn't ready. If you're available when he contacts you, then so be it, but I would not invest a lot of energy.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #3  January 24,2012, 10:58am
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You are absolutely correct in that when we do like someone enough, we figure out how to make it work. It really is as simple as that, although too often really hard to face. The reasons and excuses given invariably sound so rational and legitimate and gives us hope that maybe just a little bit down the road, when those obstacles are out of the way.... things will work out. It's a false hope.
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #4  January 24,2012, 11:02am
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teedw wrote :
I know that the dreaded "I'm not ready for a relationship" line is one of the most common blowoff excuses that otherwise really means "I am just not that into you", but I am wondering if it can ever be true?

I have been dating this guy for about a month - things seemed to be going well - we spoke often every day, went on about 4-5 dates, talked often, and showed genuine affection and support for eachother. Yesterday, after making plans to meet up (initiated by him), he said he was scared to committ to a relationship right now because they don't feel stable enough to do so. He said he wants to have me in his life, even if just as friends for the time being.

A bit of background: he battled drug addiction for a few years, and is currently in therapy every week. He also hasn't had a relationship in about 2 years, and said that dealing with this baggage makes him feel he is not at a point in his life to deal with a relationship. He has been clean for the past few years and said that he's come a long way and wants to keep going.

That made me wonder, "why not with me?"

When we met, we met with none of us looking for anything, but feelings developed unexpectedly for both of us.

Now, I am not naïve to assume he is just using that as an excuse, but part of me thinks there may be some truth to the “not readiness”. I don’t, however, have much experience or a good perspective right now to figure it out, so I am asking here, what people think, may be the truth.

Can someone ever reject someone they like for some innate "fear"? I feel you'd stick it outif you liked them, but maybe I am wrong.

Should I wait around? Be friendly? Leave the ball in their court? Move on?
It's likely his counselor is telling him he's not ready. Give him space until everyone concerned thinks the therapy will stick.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #5  January 24,2012, 11:17am
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The best thing is to take this exactly and literally for what it is:
He is not ready for a relationship.....believe him.

It's not about "into you" etc. and sure why not "have you in his life"?

He is telling you in advance that he enjoys being with you..but your great love will not "win him over" and convert this to a relationship.

If you want a friend-with-benefits situation...that is all he is offering.............believe what he tells you....Good Luck...
teedw wrote :
he said he was scared to committ to a relationship right now

He said he wants to have me in his life, even if just as friends for the time being.

He also hasn't had a relationship in about 2 years, and said that dealing with this baggage makes him feel he is not at a point in his life to deal with a relationship
 
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teedw is offline teedw Post #6  January 24,2012, 11:18am
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Thanks fore the responses. I agree that he needs to be given space, I also agree that if he truly felt something he'd probably try and make it work. But I know for a fact he isn't dating around, at least not right now.

Regardless, he did say he wants us to stay friends. And, as unlikely as it sounds, I would be happy with that too. Of course, secretly wishing something more would develop, but I really would just be happy with him being in my life as a friend and to provide him some support.

Now, do you think I should wait for him to contact me to be "friends"? Or would be it be ok for me to tell him I am happy with us hanging out as friends and just take it from there?
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #7  January 24,2012, 11:49am
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teedw wrote :
Thanks fore the responses. I agree that he needs to be given space, I also agree that if he truly felt something he'd probably try and make it work. But I know for a fact he isn't dating around, at least not right now.

Regardless, he did say he wants us to stay friends. And, as unlikely as it sounds, I would be happy with that too. Of course, secretly wishing something more would develop, but I really would just be happy with him being in my life as a friend and to provide him some support.

Now, do you think I should wait for him to contact me to be "friends"? Or would be it be ok for me to tell him I am happy with us hanging out as friends and just take it from there?
This is a HUGE mistake to attempt to be friends with this man if you have any sort of romantic interest in him...

A true and healthy friendship with someone from the opposite sex means being there for them when they find someone new to date....talking to them about the new woman..and how excited he is to be dating her and how great she is and how he is falling in love with her...Are you perfectly ok with this?

I don't think you are....I think you will secretly, as you said, be wanting him to see how great you are and all of a sudden start dating you...

Unfortunately...when someone says they want to be friends after they have been dating you...means they just 'aren't that in to you'....They just don't see you in a romantic way...They tried...but it's just not there...

Why not just part ways as I'm sure you have plenty of real friends in your life...and then this way you will heal from this, and then be ready for a new man who truly wants to be in a relationship with you.

Any time spent with this guy pining for him, is wasted where you aren't looking for someone new.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #8  January 24,2012, 11:50am
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teedw wrote :
Thanks fore the responses. I agree that he needs to be given space, I also agree that if he truly felt something he'd probably try and make it work. But I know for a fact he isn't dating around, at least not right now.

Regardless, he did say he wants us to stay friends. And, as unlikely as it sounds, I would be happy with that too. Of course, secretly wishing something more would develop, but I really would just be happy with him being in my life as a friend and to provide him some support.

Now, do you think I should wait for him to contact me to be "friends"? Or would be it be ok for me to tell him I am happy with us hanging out as friends and just take it from there?
It's not about dating around and it's not about him having met someone else. It's literally that he's realized that while you are a great person, it's just not working out for him because quite frankly there isn't enough "it" there, whatever "it" is for him.

Speaking from personal experience, it's one of those things where you come home late at night exhausted and you see their number on your caller ID and .... well.... talking to them feels like a job and just another obligation on your shoulders rather than a pleasure. It's at that moment that you realize that while this person is nice and good and so on, you really should just let them go because they are not really right for you.

As for let's just be friends, let him reach out to you about it if he means it. A lot of the times it is just a line used to let someone down easy, or so the person using it thinks. In your shoes, I would not actively pursue a friendship and would actually give things some time to cool before agreeing to hang out as friends if he did ask.

In all honesty, if you are going to be hanging around secretly hoping that he'll see the light and go back to dating you, all you are doing is hurting yourself. You will hinder your own dating process and will compare other men to him and find no man compares to your "friend" because quite frankly, you've just never gotten over your "friend". It's an old story.

In a nutshell, you are looking to be that tiny exception to the rule. Does that happen once in a blue moon? Sure. What you have to decide is how much of your life you want to waste on that chance and is any time really worth it. That, we can't decide for you.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #9  January 24,2012, 12:20pm
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teedw wrote :
I know that the dreaded "I'm not ready for a relationship" line is one of the most common blowoff excuses that otherwise really means "I am just not that into you", but I am wondering if it can ever be true?

I have been dating this guy for about a month - things seemed to be going well - we spoke often every day, went on about 4-5 dates, talked often, and showed genuine affection and support for eachother. Yesterday, after making plans to meet up (initiated by him), he said he was scared to committ to a relationship right now because they don't feel stable enough to do so. He said he wants to have me in his life, even if just as friends for the time being....
Specifically what did he mean by "not stable enough"? And when he said "for the time being" that to me sounds like he is keeping his options open rather than keeping your options open. He didn't even give you an indication of how much time he needs in order to fix himself/become stable.

I'd dodge this man and not look back.

Unless you would you get into a relationship with someone who said "I'm bad news"?
 
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tweet37 is online now tweet37 Post #10  January 24,2012, 12:41pm
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teedw wrote :
I know that the dreaded "I'm not ready for a relationship" line is one of the most common blowoff excuses that otherwise really means "I am just not that into you", but I am wondering if it can ever be true?
While it can be true that someone is not ready for a relationship, you'll rarely hear it from someone who truly isn't ready because they're too busy kidding themselves that they've shedded whatever baggage they're lugging.

It's a blowoff excuse or they're just in it for a quick hook-up. Otherwise, why are they on a dating site?
 
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