Opposites attract and dating websites


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EccentricAmbiguity is offline EccentricAmbiguity Post #1  January 23,2012, 10:46am
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This has crossed my mind several times lately. It seems many dating websites try to match you based on "compatability" and I assume that they try to match you based on who is most similar to you. Now, this makes sense to a certain extent i.e. preferences on smoking, children, age, religion...BUT, what about the whole "opposites attract" idea? Most men I have had the most chemistry with have definitely fallen under the category of opposites attract. Shouldn't these dating websites take into account what personality types go well with certain other personality types based on more of a balancing act?
 
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Alli824 is offline Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #2  January 23,2012, 10:49am
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There's a great article on how dating sites match people. Check out the July 04, 2011 issue of The New Yorker. Google it and you can read it online. It's really insightful.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #3  January 23,2012, 11:07am
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I guess it's all what you are looking for. I'm certainly not looking for a twin as I love to have lively discussions as well as learn things from my partner and vice versa. But I learned that for myself, someone who is too much of an opposite doesn't make for a good relationship.

I love a healthy balance of time together, time with friends and family, and time alone. I'm not one to be glued at the hip, but I also like sharing the majority of activities. As well as I think it's important to share the same core values.

Can you give a few examples of what you are referring to when you say the men have been opposite from you? In what ways?
 
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EccentricAmbiguity is offline EccentricAmbiguity Post #4  January 23,2012, 11:33am
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Ingytravel wrote :

Can you give a few examples of what you are referring to when you say the men have been opposite from you? In what ways?
For example: my exhusband was an outgoing extreme extrovert where as I am much more reserved...we definitely balanced eachother there. I was the "intellectual" academic student for life type and he was more the rough and tumble, hands-on construction worker type, he loved to be the one who took care of household needs, run to the store, set up the tent when we went camping and at the time I was definitely in a place where I really enjoyed being taken care of in those ways....
My exboyfriend was also an extreme extrovert and said he felt balanced by my more reserved nature. His personality was very dominate and could have been overbearing if he were to be matched with someone with as strong of a personality...
Those are just some examples.
I'm also attracted to people that I don't quite "get" meaning I don't relate to exactly how they do things...the mystery is intriguing and it sparks chemistry...
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #5  January 23,2012, 11:47am
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EccentricAmbiguity wrote :
For example: my exhusband was an outgoing extreme extrovert where as I am much more reserved...we definitely balanced eachother there. I was the "intellectual" academic student for life type and he was more the rough and tumble, hands-on construction worker type, he loved to be the one who took care of household needs, run to the store, set up the tent when we went camping and at the time I was definitely in a place where I really enjoyed being taken care of in those ways....
My exboyfriend was also an extreme extrovert and said he felt balanced by my more reserved nature. His personality was very dominate and could have been overbearing if he were to be matched with someone with as strong of a personality...
Those are just some examples.
I'm also attracted to people that I don't quite "get" meaning I don't relate to exactly how they do things...the mystery is intriguing and it sparks chemistry...
Thanks for elaborating. Do you think that the parts where you were opposite were causes of the demise of the relationship? Or did you enjoy those particular differences?

This is what I was saying that it's really dependent on each person and what the opposite entails.

As I mentioned...I certainly like differences as long as they don't negatively affect our relationship where it feels off balance or where it causes us to have such separate interests that it's hard to find time together.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #6  January 23,2012, 11:59am
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EccentricAmbiguity wrote :
I'm also attracted to people that I don't quite "get" meaning I don't relate to exactly how they do things...the mystery is intriguing and it sparks chemistry...
This is very interesting. I find that those kinds of people drive me crazy. I can't even imagine trying to have a romantic relationship with someone like that. For instance, I have a friend who is very much a "grass in the wind". She just takes things as they come and doesn't worry about how or if they will work out. She figures they just will. I love my friend, and I love her free-thinking attitude about things. But I couldn't sleep at night living like that. I know that life doesn't always work out the way that you plan, and while that's disappointing sometimes, I still take comfort in being able to plan for certain things - or at least try my darndest to make things work out the way that I hope they will.

I think opposites can definitely attract - and even make good partners - but not when the things you are opposite in are fundamental differences in what helps you to feel secure.
 
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EccentricAmbiguity is offline EccentricAmbiguity Post #7  January 23,2012, 12:01pm
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Alli824 wrote :
There's a great article on how dating sites match people. Check out the July 04, 2011 issue of The New Yorker. Google it and you can read it online. It's really insightful.
I read through some of it quickly..thanks for the link! According to the founder of EH "opposites attract and then attack" and he would argue that long lasting relationships are found between people who are more similar than opposite. hahah, this may explain why I'm currently single.
I also found this intriguing: “What you do is more important than what you say,” Greg Blatt, who is the C.E.O. of I.A.C., and a former C.E.O. of Match.com, told me. (Blatt not only runs the company; he’s also a client. He is one of those guys who say they enjoy dating.) You may specify that you’d like your date to be blond or tall or Jewish or a non-smoking Democrat, but you may have a habit of reaching out to pot-smoking South Asian Republicans. This is called “revealed preference,” and it is the essential element in Match’s algorithmic process. Match knows what’s right for you—even if it doesn’t really know you. After taking stock of your stated and revealed preferences, the software finds people on the site who have similar dissonances between the two, and uses their experiences to approximate what yours should be."
I often wonder if who I'm choosing online is who I think I should be with but not who I am naturally attracted to in real life. Which is why I keep ending up on dates with the nice, educated, "normal" well put together guys that I think I should like while when in real life I fall for those with a bit of an edge...
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #8  January 23,2012, 12:16pm
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The general theory is that initially opposites attract, but in the long run they just fight and fail. When it comes to a temporary adrenalin high, the opposites will deliver. When it comes to living together, making life long decisions and choices, it's more important to see eye to eye than to be on completely different pages.
 
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dmi is online now dmi Post #9  January 23,2012, 1:44pm
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I think it comes down to whether the differences complement each other or just cause conflict.

The intravert/extravert thing can complement in that he can do all the talking in the situations where you don't feel comfortable. It can potentially conflict in that an intravert might want a lot of alone time and the extravert is not getting enough together time.

If you have a couple where one loves cooking and hates gardening while the other hates cooking and loves gardening, it could be a good thing... one person cooks and the other takes care of the yard.

Two people can have very different political viewpoints and still get along very well if both have an open mind. But, if you have two people that are very rigid in their beliefs, it could just cause a lot of conflict.

So, no, I really don't want someone that is the same as me in every way and I don't want someone that is the opposite of me in every way. I want someone that fits.
 
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PG-13 is offline PG-13 Post #10  January 23,2012, 2:17pm
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I agree that I wish EHarmony gave you an "opposites" option (maybe in the What If section or in the settings). I've found that one of the perks of dating someone who doesn't drink at all or very much is that you always have a designated driver... or I don't care at all about decor/gardening/landscaping, but having a partner that does is really useful...

Part of the problem with some of my matches/dates is that we are too similar... I don't want to date myself or a friend or a sister... I also agree that having a sense of mystery is definitely appealing, a lot of these people have been super bland... or we are good matches in one way, but awful in most others...

One thing that helped me was retaking the initial questionnaire with a thought more towards the types of women I find appealing to date instead of just answering it with my own personal values. There are definitely some things for me at least that are fairly drastically different.
 
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