Opposites attract and dating websites


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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #11  January 23,2012, 3:17pm
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PG-13 wrote :
I agree that I wish EHarmony gave you an "opposites" option (maybe in the What If section or in the settings). I've found that one of the perks of dating someone who doesn't drink at all or very much is that you always have a designated driver... or I don't care at all about decor/gardening/landscaping, but having a partner that does is really useful...

Part of the problem with some of my matches/dates is that we are too similar... I don't want to date myself or a friend or a sister... I also agree that having a sense of mystery is definitely appealing, a lot of these people have been super bland... or we are good matches in one way, but awful in most others...

One thing that helped me was retaking the initial questionnaire with a thought more towards the types of women I find appealing to date instead of just answering it with my own personal values. There are definitely some things for me at least that are fairly drastically different.
This is going to backfire as well as have a lot of women closing you and wondering why in the world EH would send them someone who doesn't actually believe in or like the interests that you state you do...

EH is not set up for opposites and the questionnaire is meant to be filled out with YOUR personal thoughts and interests...

Also...you will find that most adult women approaching their 30's like you, will not have any desire to be some taxi service when you go out because you want to drink so much you can't drive...
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #12  January 23,2012, 3:24pm
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This is a good thread.

For me, I find I need an essentially similar person in many of the major points of compatibility: intelligence, financial attainment and values, housing and living, quantity and nature of time together, intimate / sex, prioritization of goals / values, etc.
 
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LDJ is offline LDJ Post #13  January 23,2012, 4:08pm
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My list of must haves and my bfs list had 9 out of 10 items the same. Our lists of can't stands were exactly the same.

I wonder if other couples who have met on eH report that this is true for them as well?
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #14  January 23,2012, 4:23pm
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That sounds close to my experience, too.

Problem was that the "must haves" and "can't stands" are mostly worthless, since they are all taken up with the obvious (drug use, etc.) So, even though we match on those, we often didn't match in the real world.

"Must haves" don't address practical issues, like "I must have a partner who recognizes that occupational demands can be unpredictable, and I need a partner who can allow me the flexibility to reschedule at short notice."
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #15  January 23,2012, 6:06pm
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EccentricAmbiguity wrote :
This has crossed my mind several times lately. It seems many dating websites try to match you based on "compatability" and I assume that they try to match you based on who is most similar to you. Now, this makes sense to a certain extent i.e. preferences on smoking, children, age, religion...BUT, what about the whole "opposites attract" idea? Most men I have had the most chemistry with have definitely fallen under the category of opposites attract. Shouldn't these dating websites take into account what personality types go well with certain other personality types based on more of a balancing act?
eHarmony does. FWIW eHarmony is the only dating site that I know of that does any real personality matching. Chemistry claims to match you on personality but they use a four trait system that is very much like what is used in sales. OK Cupid uses a matching system that is purely mathematics based and has nothing to do with personality, values or compatibility.

As for the opposites attract what you have stated in your OP is exactly correct. Certain traits should be the same yet others should be opposite for the best level of compatibility. eHarmony's 29 Dimensions of Compatibility takes this all into account and matches you with people who share the same traits where similar is best and with those with opposite traits were opposites attract.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #16  January 23,2012, 6:10pm
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LDJ wrote :
My list of must haves and my bfs list had 9 out of 10 items the same. Our lists of can't stands were exactly the same.

I wonder if other couples who have met on eH report that this is true for them as well?
I cannot report that as being true for me. While there are many of the MHCS that my matches and I share, I have never had any match where all of the MH or CS list was exactly the same. Typical would be maybe 6 or 7 the same on each list.
 
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PG-13 is offline PG-13 Post #17  January 23,2012, 11:09pm
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Ive found the MH-CS a complete toss up for the most part. There are a couple that I seriously question when they are used, but for the most part, its kind of a waste of time.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #18  January 24,2012, 5:26am
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By "opposites"..they don't mean to compensate for problems.
PG-13 wrote :
I've found that one of the perks of dating someone who doesn't drink at all or very much is that you always have a designated driver...

I don't care at all about decor/gardening/landscaping, but having a partner that does is really useful...

I don't want to date myself
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #19  January 24,2012, 7:35pm
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LDJ wrote :
My list of must haves and my bfs list had 9 out of 10 items the same. Our lists of can't stands were exactly the same.

I wonder if other couples who have met on eH report that this is true for them as well?
Eh, I dunno. That is personally my least liked part of the process. To some extent most of the stuff is important so I always struggled to narrow the list and didn't really feel like it captured me.
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #20  January 24,2012, 7:40pm
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I think that when it comes to core values, being on the same page is key. If there is too much dissidence there it seems impossible to find a life you can share that is fulfilling to both parties. Personally, it's important to me that my SO and I see our lives going in similar general directions, are on similar pages in terms of money management, and what we want out of the relationship, to name a few.

However, when it comes to hobbies and differences and other more quirky things, I'm all for variety. I agree that I don't want someone who brings all the same things to the table I do, but I also don't want to feel like we're on entirely different pages when it comes to our needs.

I've certainly had some fantastic chemistry rooted in complete and utter differences and sometimes, conflict, but it was generally NOT sustainable.
 
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