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pink_tulip Post #1 January 22,2012, 9:34pm

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I have two topics here for which I would like to have some opinions.... please note that these questions only bother me when is the first date and have happened to me in 90% of my dates... ugh!

1.- Why did you divorce?-

Any way, these are the questions that make me uncomfortable on a first date and find them a bit intrusive, I never ask them, not until we have form a certain bond or connection.

Your thoughts?

Last edited by pink_tulip; January 22,2012 at 10:02pm.

tweet37 Post #2 January 23,2012, 3:55am

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pink_tulip wrote :

Your thoughts?

Then I guess there wouldn't be a second date, because one of the topics that inevitably comes up is eH, and are they dating anyone else.

And if they're divorced, I ask what happened.

Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #3 January 23,2012, 4:12am

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pink_tulip wrote :

Any way, these are the questions that make me uncomfortable on a first date and find them a bit intrusive, I never ask them, not until we have form a certain bond or connection.

Your thoughts?

I agree number one is an intrusive question and the response is going to be from your perspective anyway. I have always thought this to be a rather silly question on a first date. It's like the person wants to know if you're damaged good. Silly! If you choose to answer it will tell them nothing anyway. People divorce for many reasons, falling out of love being the least of it.

As for number two what does that have to do with anything. It's similar to the person asking how many people you've met on the site. I guess they want to assess if you're desirable, can they compete. Really the point is you are out with them.

I also get .. "I've never met anyone in our career before....what's the range of pay?" Now that one really ticks me off, especially when I know they're trying to assess if I'm worth anything. Downright rude.

Wiseman2 Post #4 January 23,2012, 4:17am

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Since they are commonly asked , deflecting them with just the facts is one way to handle it.

Also, with online dating and meet-up coffee dates....many are handled much as job interviews are, as if one must present a relationship resume to this potential "employer".

Since they have no business acting as if they are a therapist, attorney or employer (ie: trying to control the conversation to this extent)....Best to be honest but brief, or if they persist..turn it on them..

pink_tulip wrote :

1.- Why did you divorce?-
Personally I hate giving personal explanations to complete strangers, so I always use very basic answers and don't discuss the subject further ...
2.- Have you dated a lot of people?
This comes across to me as insecurity in a man... (I don't care how many people you have dated... seriously!)

barbarella_42 Post #5 January 23,2012, 4:49am

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pink_tulip wrote :

1.- Why did you divorce?-

"Sometimes, even when you get married for all the right reasons, things just don't work out the way you had planned. How about you? How did you end up divorced? (Or if he's never been married, How is it that you're still single at this point in your life?)"

2.- Have you dated a lot of people?

"No more than the average, I'm sure. What about you?"

smileygirl Post #6 January 23,2012, 5:24am

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I like Barberella's responses, they are spot on!

barbarella_42 Post #7 January 23,2012, 5:48am

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smileygirl wrote :

I like Barberella's responses, they are spot on!

Thank you

Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8 January 23,2012, 6:41am

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pink_tulip wrote :

Personally I hate giving personal explanations to complete strangers, so I always use very basic answers and don't discuss the subject further ... I am sure that if we are to have a relationship, there will be more than enough time to discuss our most intimate feelings and thoughts...
I have never asked about my matches relationship history or how / why they became single, on any date. However, all of my matches will tell me, usually on the first date (since I can't even remember when I got a second date).

2.- Have you dated a lot of people?
This comes across to me as insecurity in a man... (I don't care how many people you have dated... seriously!)

Uh, maybe the guy is wanting to check out the level of competition to determine how hard he is going to have to work to date you and then decide if you are worth that level of effort

And I suppose that if a woman (you) were to ask this question that it would not be an indication of insecurity?

Any way, these are the questions that make me uncomfortable on a first date and find them a bit intrusive, I never ask them, not until we have form a certain bond or connection.

Your thoughts?
Some of my thoughts on the two specific questions are above in red.

Another thought is that you are just meeting / dating the wrong kind of guys.

Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9 January 23,2012, 6:46am

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barbarella_42 wrote :

You can probably find a middle ground with these questions that doesn't violate your boundaries but also doesn't trip the red flag indicator from your date's perspective. Here's how I would probably answer them:

1.- Why did you divorce?-

"Sometimes, even when you get married for all the right reasons, things just don't work out the way you had planned. How about you? How did you end up divorced? (Or if he's never been married, How is it that you're still single at this point in your life?)"

2.- Have you dated a lot of people?

"No more than the average, I'm sure. What about you?"

smileygirl wrote :

I like Barberella's responses, they are spot on!

So if you turn the tables on your date for having asked these questions then it becomes OK. In other words as long as YOU are the one asking the questions then they are legitimate questions to ask.

I just don't like your reasoning. If you (the OP) finds the question objectionable then turning the tables on her (your) match and asking the same question does not make it any less objectionable.

Last edited by Gr8Guyn2008; January 23,2012 at 6:48am. Reason: Addition.

Gr8Guyn2008 Post #10 January 23,2012, 6:51am

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tweet37 wrote :

Then I guess there wouldn't be a second date, because one of the topics that inevitably comes up is eH, and are they dating anyone else.
Rarely do any of my matches ask about eHarmony, what my experience has been or if I am currently dating anyone else.

And if they're divorced, I ask what happened.

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