can anyone relate being an outcast?


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imperfekt is offline imperfekt Post #1  January 19,2012, 3:05pm

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Can anyone here relate being an outcast? From childhood to school to work to dating. No matter how much traveling, new people i meet, i still always end up being an outcast. Which results in 6000 approaches but 0 dates. Normal people, inside the box wouldnt understand. Wondering if anyone here is an outcast? I have been reading/practicing the power of now for 6 months, watching anthony robbins video for the past 3 yrs. Its just not working for me when it comes to dating. If i say i dont have standards people will say im desperate and if I say I have standards, they will say lower your standards. I just cant catch a break. Never had a date and cant get a date, while everyone here at the age of 30 already had relationships,hookups,long distance relationships.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  January 19,2012, 5:02pm
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Well, a wee bit of your problem might be:

- "I have been reading/practicing the power of now for 6 months."
- "Watching anthony robbins video for the past 3 yrs."

And any other stuff that you do alone ... where there are no women.

***

There are women here, there, and everwhere who will be fine with "an outcast." Some are themselves. Some of them are here, in fact.
 
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i_remember is offline i_remember Post #3  January 19,2012, 5:37pm
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You need to embrace your individuality and love the stuff that makes you different from most.

Most people can sense insecurity from a mile away.
 
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TheWallaby is offline TheWallaby Post #4  January 19,2012, 5:39pm
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A bit. Had a real problem in school as a kid, and in college. I'm pretty much the complete opposite of anybody around here--it causes a lot of issues with naturally fitting in.

Yet I've done fine socially, or at least, as well as I want to do. You must be meeting the wrong people. In addition, you also need to change a bit. I used to be totally antisocial...but I broke out of my shell a bit, and made some good friends about 10 years ago that I still have to this day. I'm doing something every weekend. I don't date often, but it happens. And, coworkers really like and trust me, personally and professionally.

A big key for me was humor and acting "regular" around others, and making them feel comfortable around me. Inclusion works both ways. For instance, at work, somebody writes something that is stupid and shows obvious inexperience. I could either berate them for failure, OR I could tell them not to do that, then go on about a story I had about this one time I did something even dumber than that because we ALL make mistakes, and make them feel right at home, and then show them how to fix it. Some days, I grab a coffee and I'm silent; folks leave me alone at the cafe, and I leave them alone. That's the normal me; my comfort zone. But sometimes, I want some fun, and I go in and chat the barista's ear off, and we're throwing chit chat back and forth, and before I know it, they're giving me free leftover desserts (score!) that they'd otherwise throw away in the evening. Mmm, mmm, just talking about it makes me want a cinnamon roll.

Last, you can always do the obvious things. Physical attractiveness always helps. If you don't already, work out, practice good hygiene, take care of your teeth, and the like. Even if it's not "you," it's called health, which is good to have simply so that you stay alive longer. Definitely won't solve the problem, but it certainly never hurts.
 
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ForwardUntoDawn is offline ForwardUntoDawn Post #5  January 19,2012, 5:47pm
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I fancy my self as more of a renegade than outcast, but that just semantics.
I am going to agree with D Lion, that self help stuff.... well its not helping, want real help try a psychiatrist they can root out and fix these problems pretty well in my own personal experience
 
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Jamiewan is offline Jamiewan Post #6  January 19,2012, 7:05pm
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I disagree with the people telling you to change in order to fit in. Don't ever, EVER change to please another person. The only reason to change yourself is because YOU want to. Anyone who won't accept you as is isn't worth your time. Believe me I've tried to be what I thought I was supposed to be and it only ended in disaster.You have to learn to be comfortable in your own skin and accept yourself as you are. When people see that you're comfortable with yourself and confident in who you are they will like that and like you. I'm an outcast too. Always have been. But I've found a few people who like me as I am. I'm never going to be a socialite. I'm never going to be the life of the party and have a hundred friends. I'm fine with this. I'm introverted and shy and socially anxious and hate small talk and have trouble keeping up a conversation, so dating has been rough for me, but I keep trying. Not every day or every week or every month, but once I decided that I wanted to find someone ( which wasn't until very recently, and I'm almost 10 years older than you) I was determined to do it, because I know there are people out there who appreciate me and eventually i'm going to find a woman I click with. I've had a lot of disappointments which hurt but I know that they're only making me stronger. Remember, if it was easy you wouldn't appreciate it when it happens. DON"T GIVE UP!
 
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barbarella_42 is offline barbarella_42 Post #7  January 19,2012, 7:09pm
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Dangit, my post just went off into the ether.

Sure, I had a tough time as a kid. As I got into my early teens, I made a conscious decision to become someone who could make and keep friends, so I set about learning how to improve my social skills and my appearance. It worked then, though it was very much a learn as you go experience, and it's paid off tremendously in the course of my life. I still feel like I'm learning to some extent.

I don't know that self-help books are going to do a whole lot for you. I think you'd be better off getting out into the world and paying careful attention to see how people engage with each other, from facial expression to body language, tone of voice, and the types of things they say and the reactions those things generate. Similarly, if you know what it is about you that causes people to withdraw, that's a great starting point in fixing them.

If you don't know what causes people to shy away, you will need to find someone you can trust and ask that person to tell you. Alternatively, a qualified therapist should be able to help.

Finally, I second the suggestions about health, fitness, hygiene, and making the most of your appearance. The world is simply a kinder place to good-looking people. Doing the best with what you have to work with is one of those situations in which one usually gets more out of it than he or she puts into it.

Those are fairly general suggestions. If you can offer some more specifics, perhaps that might generate more targeted advice.
 
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barbarella_42 is offline barbarella_42 Post #8  January 19,2012, 7:10pm
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Dangit, my post just went off into the ether.

Sure, I had a tough time as a kid. As I got into my early teens, I made a conscious decision to become someone who could make and keep friends, so I set about learning how to improve my social skills and my appearance. It worked then, though it was very much a learn as you go experience, and it's paid off tremendously in the course of my life. I still feel like I'm learning to some extent.

I don't know that self-help books are going to do a whole lot for you. I think you'd be better off getting out into the world and paying careful attention to see how people engage with each other, from facial expression to body language, tone of voice, and the types of things they say and the reactions those things generate. Similarly, if you know what it is about you that causes people to withdraw, that's a great starting point in fixing them.

If you don't know what causes people to shy away, you will need to find someone you can trust and ask that person to tell you. Alternatively, a qualified therapist should be able to help.

Finally, I second the suggestions about health, fitness, hygiene, and making the most of your appearance. The world is simply a kinder place to good-looking people. Doing the best with what you have to work with is one of those situations in which one usually gets more out of it than he or she puts into it.

Those are fairly general suggestions. If you can offer some more specifics, perhaps that might generate more targeted advice.
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #9  January 19,2012, 7:38pm
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I was kind of nerdy and didn't make friends all that easily when I was growing up, but I decided to purposefully push the envelope of my introverted nature and force myself to try to meet people and have meaningful conversations. It proved to be quite helpful in my adult life as most of my career, though technical, was interacting with people face to face, and getting large groups of people who didn't have any reason to want to work together joined and working toward a common goal/project/purpose.

I'm still quite introverted, and when I began dating again 18 months after having been widowed, I was petrified to get out there. If I hadn't forced myself to do it, I'd still be sitting at home eating dinners with the tv as my companion.

I agree with all the advice about making sure your presentation is good and healthy. You mention in your profile that you're involved in criminal justice. Perhaps you should try to join some meetup groups where you might have a common interest outside of the work environment. Reading and watching videos doesn't get you off the starting block - you have to take deliberate steps forward and just try to make it work. Try little things like smiling and saying hello to 5 people you don't know on the way in to work or when you're walking down the street. You might be surprised that people will find you approachable and some might start up a conversation with you.

You also have to realize that there will be some failures, but it is through failures that we learn and grow. Try not to be too discouraged and try to make an action plan to move yourself forward. Journal your steps forward so you can later on look back at where you started to see how far you've come. And, give yourself time for this to happen. It's not going to change over night, but if you consciously make strides forward, I think you might be surprised by the good results.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #10  January 20,2012, 6:41am
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sort out your social/friend life first. then build from that.
 
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