I think a breakup is the next step


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scully98 is offline scully98 Post #1  January 19,2012, 12:05pm
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I think I need to breakup with the guy I've been dating for 2-1/2 months. I realized today that we're on different pages as far as timing goes. He told me today that he wants me to tell him anytime something upsets me, so he can try to fix it. So I told him that it is hard for me to tell people when something upsets me. The result of 10 years with someone mean like my ex. He said he's the same, hard for him to talk about issues.

So I pointed out that it bothers me that I don't feel like I know him well yet. He said that he had no idea that was a concern of mine, because he sees us as just dating, and he's not ready yet to get more emotionally involved in our relationship since he's still learning about himself since he divorced a year ago.

I told him I think our timing is apparently off, in that case, since I have been through that phase already. And that I think we need to talk this weekend when we get together.

I think the conversation will result in us breaking up.

There isn't a resolution to this. Just wanted to share. I'm feeling pretty sad right now.
 
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eharmonyjc is offline eharmonyjc Post #2  January 19,2012, 12:43pm
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Don't feel sad. You have the poofer you can look forward to seeing

No but really, sorry to hear about that, it's always frustrating when you find out you're not on the same page as someone you're dating.
 
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KikiAZ is offline KikiAZ Post #3  January 19,2012, 12:45pm
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Is this possibly just growing pains??

OR does he mean he isn't really looking for an long-term serious relationship (LTSR)? Did he originally say otherwise?
 
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jimmyh452 is offline jimmyh452 Post #4  January 19,2012, 12:50pm
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seem like from your post history you have a habit of bailing at the first sign of difficulty. Relationships take work. There's nothing wrong with being on different paces if you're willing to be patient with each other and have honest and open communication. Why not give it a chance rather than throw in the towel so quickly?
 
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pink_tulip is offline pink_tulip Post #5  January 19,2012, 12:56pm
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Hang in there Scully... You seem to like this guy... what's the hurry anyway... treat him like you are dating him too and give it time to get to know him.... come on its only been 2 1/2 months...

Best of luck
 
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scully98 is offline scully98 Post #6  January 19,2012, 1:04pm
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we didn't talk about it originally. I gathered from his online profile that he was ready for a serious relationship. But I now realize that most people put that kind of stuff on there.

when I asked him about being exclusive after we'd been dating (and sleeping together) for a few weeks, he said that we were, that he hadn't dated anyone else since we started being intimate. and that he wouldn't do that to me.

now, what he told me, is that he is happy "just dating" and not being more emotionally invested in me and that it will take him time to get to the point where he's ready to be more emotionally invested as he learns more about himself. when I said it didn't sound like we're on the same page, he said that I might be right. and that he doesn't want me to feel like I'm wasting my time and do I want to break up with him.

I told him we'd talk more this weekend, that I needed to process my feelings and thoughts.

one of the things that really bothers me is that he has an online profile still active on match. he says he doesn't really use it, but I've looked a couple of times (I'm not active on match anymore, just looked as a non-member) and it showed him as having been online recently. and while at first I believed his excuse about not taking his profile down because he didn't know where our relationship would be in six months and he would get six months free if he kept his up for six months straight, I realize now that that deal also means you have to contact five women a month on match in order to keep the consumer end of the deal alive. (there is a package match offers if you buy six months, you get six months free if you haven't met "that special someone" at the end of six months. to prove you haven't met someone, you have to keep your profile active the whole six months AND contact five new people every month.)

and then I've not met any of his family yet, and only a few of his friends. he often does things with his friends without me.

so, all of those things combined have made me realize that this one is pretty much over. he's not going to change all of that. he's not ready to.

I feel rather sick to my stomach today and very sad. Nothing feels right about this all of a sudden.
 
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KikiAZ is offline KikiAZ Post #7  January 19,2012, 1:08pm
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Gulp.

I can see you are pretty overwhelmed.

The good news? You just managed to confirm for yourself that you need to use wants an LTR as a filter.

Don't race right out. Let yourself process.
 
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scully98 is offline scully98 Post #8  January 19,2012, 1:12pm
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Kiki, I will. He offered to see me tonight or tomorrow if I wanted to talk immediately. Said he didn't want to make me wait until our date on Saturday if I was upset. I said that Saturday was fine. I actually told him I need the time to process and think about things.

I often react immediately, so it's better for me to take time to think about things before coming to the best decision.

He said that was fine with him if it made me happiest, that he just wanted to offer me the opportunity to see him and not make me think he was pushing me to the side. He said he's looking really forward to seeing me again and that he misses me.

So he tried to end it sweetly. I think he doesn't realize 1/10th of how upset I am. Actually, he admitted that he wasn't sure why I was upset.
Last edited by scully98; January 19,2012 at 1:14pm.
 
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brixjnz is offline brixjnz Post #9  January 19,2012, 1:27pm
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scully98 wrote :
we didn't talk about it originally. I gathered from his online profile that he was ready for a serious relationship. But I now realize that most people put that kind of stuff on there.

when I asked him about being exclusive after we'd been dating (and sleeping together) for a few weeks, he said that we were, that he hadn't dated anyone else since we started being intimate. and that he wouldn't do that to me.

now, what he told me, is that he is happy "just dating" and not being more emotionally invested in me and that it will take him time to get to the point where he's ready to be more emotionally invested as he learns more about himself. when I said it didn't sound like we're on the same page, he said that I might be right. and that he doesn't want me to feel like I'm wasting my time and do I want to break up with him.

I told him we'd talk more this weekend, that I needed to process my feelings and thoughts.

one of the things that really bothers me is that he has an online profile still active on match. he says he doesn't really use it, but I've looked a couple of times (I'm not active on match anymore, just looked as a non-member) and it showed him as having been online recently. and while at first I believed his excuse about not taking his profile down because he didn't know where our relationship would be in six months and he would get six months free if he kept his up for six months straight, I realize now that that deal also means you have to contact five women a month on match in order to keep the consumer end of the deal alive. (there is a package match offers if you buy six months, you get six months free if you haven't met "that special someone" at the end of six months. to prove you haven't met someone, you have to keep your profile active the whole six months AND contact five new people every month.)

and then I've not met any of his family yet, and only a few of his friends. he often does things with his friends without me.

so, all of those things combined have made me realize that this one is pretty much over. he's not going to change all of that. he's not ready to.

I feel rather sick to my stomach today and very sad. Nothing feels right about this all of a sudden.
I'm so sorry, Scully. These kind of disappointments just suck.
 
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beccaf87 is offline beccaf87 Post #10  January 19,2012, 1:27pm
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Hey Scully,
I have been in a similar boat. The guy told me, like yours, that he was happy just dating and not ready for a serious relationship. I ended up dating him on/off for a year. Our "off" time was when I became overwhelmed with him not wanting serious while I did want that. I finally realized he was never going to want what I want and ended.

Maybe your guy will finally want a relationship, but you have to decide if that time never comes, will you be OK with all the time spent with him? If you are, than keep dating and see where it goes. If not, maybe it is time to find someone who can give you what you want.
 
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