I think a breakup is the next step


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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #11  January 19,2012, 1:30pm
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Sorry to hear that Scully...You know I'll give it to you straight...with love

I'm wondering if because you all have been intimate for so long, that you aren't accelerating the process. As in, it sounds like you all are where many people are at only 2 and 1/2 months.

I don't see the issue of him spending time with his friends without you. That is pretty normal....Unless he is spending every weekend with them...

I also don't see not meeting his family yet as a red flag...Sometimes people wait until they really are starting to fall for someone...

I am trying to remember though that he doesn't have children, right? He's a few years younger? (apologize if I have this wrong)....So...some guys will really be taking their time with a single mom like yourself as they want to make sure they are 'ready' to take on that role.

Many people aren't sure about someone yet at this stage....as in 'in love' yet....And again...to many, this is the next big step after intimacy and being exclusive which you both are.

So...I agree with others that it's good to take some time to think about this and talk to him this weekend....

What is it that you aren't getting right now that you think it should be? Is it just spending a bit more time together? (how often per week do you all see each other?)....Or is it just that you haven't met his family?

Obviously it's your choice and if you just aren't willing to hang in there...and you really don't trust him 100%....then you need to get out...

I'm sending you some hugs either way (( ))
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #12  January 19,2012, 1:31pm
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scully98 wrote :
He said that he had no idea that was a concern of mine, because he sees us as just dating, and he's not ready yet to get more emotionally involved in our relationship since he's still learning about himself since he divorced a year ago.
Scully, I'm sorry to hear how upset you are about this. I have dated this guy (haven't we all?), that guy who just wants to "date" and not think about anything longer term. And it sucks when you feel that you're not in the same place with someone you really like.

scully98 wrote :
we didn't talk about it originally. I gathered from his online profile that he was ready for a serious relationship. But I now realize that most people put that kind of stuff on there.
I agree - just about every person's profile sounds like that. However, I think that sometimes that just means different things to different people. For some people (me, for instance) that means "ready to settle down with the right guy". For other people that means "ready to exclusively date someone until someone/something else comes along". They sound kind of the same, but they're really not.

scully98 wrote :
one of the things that really bothers me is that he has an online profile still active on match. he says he doesn't really use it, but I've looked a couple of times (I'm not active on match anymore, just looked as a non-member) and it showed him as having been online recently. and while at first I believed his excuse about not taking his profile down because he didn't know where our relationship would be in six months and he would get six months free if he kept his up for six months straight,
And one of my friends is dating this guy here ^^^. They dated for a while last summer, but while she wanted to be his "girlfriend", he was still on OK Cupid, and friending mysterious girls on FB. He said he just "responded to messages" on OKC. They're dating again now, and nothing much has changed.

scully98 wrote :
and then I've not met any of his family yet, and only a few of his friends. he often does things with his friends without me.
But remember that it's still very early. When he does things with his friends, is it just his friends? Or his friends and their girlfriends/wives - and him as a single?

scully98 wrote :
so, all of those things combined have made me realize that this one is pretty much over. he's not going to change all of that. he's not ready to.

I feel rather sick to my stomach today and very sad. Nothing feels right about this all of a sudden.
I don't know if I'd pack it in just yet. It's only been 2 1/2 months. Could you be satisfied if things stayed as they are now for another couple of months, and then reevaluate? Especially since he is still "finding himself", maybe he just needs a little time to get used to things. He figures that he's had the "ball and chain" and now is a little gun shy and feels like he is free to do anything (anyone) and so he thinks he can live that life for a while. But that life tends to get old fast. You miss the connection with other people. The real connection. He may yet come around if you give him another couple of months.
 
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KBA72 is offline KBA72 Post #13  January 19,2012, 1:38pm
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I'm sorry, Scully. I feel like I could have written your post almost word for word about the guy I think I may have to split with. It makes me feel sick to my stomach too
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #14  January 19,2012, 2:10pm
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scully98 wrote :
we didn't talk about it originally. I gathered from his online profile that he was ready for a serious relationship. But I now realize that most people put that kind of stuff on there.

when I asked him about being exclusive after we'd been dating (and sleeping together) for a few weeks, he said that we were, that he hadn't dated anyone else since we started being intimate. and that he wouldn't do that to me.

now, what he told me, is that he is happy "just dating" and not being more emotionally invested in me and that it will take him time to get to the point where he's ready to be more emotionally invested as he learns more about himself. when I said it didn't sound like we're on the same page, he said that I might be right. and that he doesn't want me to feel like I'm wasting my time and do I want to break up with him.

I told him we'd talk more this weekend, that I needed to process my feelings and thoughts.

one of the things that really bothers me is that he has an online profile still active on match. he says he doesn't really use it, but I've looked a couple of times (I'm not active on match anymore, just looked as a non-member) and it showed him as having been online recently. and while at first I believed his excuse about not taking his profile down because he didn't know where our relationship would be in six months and he would get six months free if he kept his up for six months straight, I realize now that that deal also means you have to contact five women a month on match in order to keep the consumer end of the deal alive. (there is a package match offers if you buy six months, you get six months free if you haven't met "that special someone" at the end of six months. to prove you haven't met someone, you have to keep your profile active the whole six months AND contact five new people every month.)

and then I've not met any of his family yet, and only a few of his friends. he often does things with his friends without me.

so, all of those things combined have made me realize that this one is pretty much over. he's not going to change all of that. he's not ready to.

I feel rather sick to my stomach today and very sad. Nothing feels right about this all of a sudden.
Unless he's seeing friends more often than he's seeing you, I don't see that as such a big deal, at this point. Nor do I see not introducing you to family as a huge deal. You have only been dating less than three months.

The part I bolded above is the most disconcerting part of what's going on w/ this one. When someone agrees to be exclusive, I take that to mean that he/she is not dating/kissing/sleeping w/ anyone else... or seeking a partner to do the same. If he/she is still engaged in such activity(ies), he/she is lying and cheating (IMHO). The fact that he's still active on Match would indicate that he is still seeking... and place holding you until he finds what he (thinks) he's looking for. That is lying and cheating (again, IMHO).

Lying and cheating = auto breakup.

I'm sorry this one didn't work out, Scully! And I admire that you don't let the actions of these guys get you down... you continue to put yourself out there.

I know you like sex; however, if I could offer you any advice at all, it would be to wait a bit to get nekkid. It's no guarantee, but I think it helps both parties to see more clearly.

Just food for thought.
 
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LongLocks is offline LongLocks Post #15  January 19,2012, 2:26pm
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Sorry to hear that you are feeling sad.
 
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Alli824 is offline Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #16  January 19,2012, 2:42pm
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Scully, I think you should move on. When some one says they're not emotionally vested much as I hate to say it-- it means not vested in you. My personal experience has been they become vested in someone else quite easily and have no compunctions about moving on. He's kept his profile on Match and he's been non-committal from the beginning. I do believe that relationships grown and develop but I also don't believe in wasting my time. Let him find himself with someone else. 2 1/2 months is enough time to know whether you want to move forward in a relationship or not, and he's telling you he does not. You are too special to settle for a guy who does not give you his full attention.
 
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psgcooldog is online now psgcooldog Post #17  January 19,2012, 3:27pm
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scully98 wrote :
we didn't talk about it originally. I gathered from his online profile that he was ready for a serious relationship. But I now realize that most people put that kind of stuff on there.

when I asked him about being exclusive after we'd been dating (and sleeping together) for a few weeks, he said that we were, that he hadn't dated anyone else since we started being intimate. and that he wouldn't do that to me.

now, what he told me, is that he is happy "just dating" and not being more emotionally invested in me and that it will take him time to get to the point where he's ready to be more emotionally invested as he learns more about himself. when I said it didn't sound like we're on the same page, he said that I might be right. and that he doesn't want me to feel like I'm wasting my time and do I want to break up with him.

I told him we'd talk more this weekend, that I needed to process my feelings and thoughts.

one of the things that really bothers me is that he has an online profile still active on match. he says he doesn't really use it, but I've looked a couple of times (I'm not active on match anymore, just looked as a non-member) and it showed him as having been online recently. and while at first I believed his excuse about not taking his profile down because he didn't know where our relationship would be in six months and he would get six months free if he kept his up for six months straight, I realize now that that deal also means you have to contact five women a month on match in order to keep the consumer end of the deal alive. (there is a package match offers if you buy six months, you get six months free if you haven't met "that special someone" at the end of six months. to prove you haven't met someone, you have to keep your profile active the whole six months AND contact five new people every month.)

and then I've not met any of his family yet, and only a few of his friends. he often does things with his friends without me.

so, all of those things combined have made me realize that this one is pretty much over. he's not going to change all of that. he's not ready to.

I feel rather sick to my stomach today and very sad. Nothing feels right about this all of a sudden.
See above. This is not a man that's terribly interested in keeping you.

Sorry. The rest is just supporting evidence --- what's in red is truly dispositive.
 
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_westendgirl_ is online now _westendgirl_ Post #18  January 19,2012, 3:38pm
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Sorry to hear that you are feeling sad Scully.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #19  January 19,2012, 3:40pm
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Scully, I was on that match deal and so I kept my membership going for a while even though I was involved with someone but after a few weeks I ditched match because even though I was entitled to 6 months more free, I didn't put enough value on that 6 months as I think the site is fairly rubbish and not something worth risking a relationship over!

Therefore I think his argument is weak.

After reading your first paragraph I thought you need to just both work at it. Then the more I read, the more I thought that he's taking you for granted and doesn't appreciate you enough for you to tolerate his "I'm not ready" type of behaviour.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #20  January 19,2012, 3:42pm
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"he said that I might be right. and that he doesn't want me to feel like I'm wasting my time and do I want to break up with him."
- that sounds like he's putting the decision making on you because he's unsure of himself and indecisive?
 
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