shiver is offline shiver Post #1  January 18,2012, 10:47pm
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My co-worker (let's call him Adam) and I have both admitted to being interested in one another but nothing has happened. He has invited me to various social gatherings outside of work, where we sit and talk mostly with each other, but never on a real date. He has bought me drinks at the bar and texts to make sure I get home safely. We have befriended each other's friends, to the point where I actually feel comfortable hanging out with them without him there. We also talk sometimes until five in the morning about two days out of the week, and otherwise I can't remember a day in the last couple months that we haven't had some sort of exchange, whether via phone or text. Still, no date, no nothing. I confronted him about this behavior and he says that the fact that we work together makes it hard to know what to do. Our company requires us to sign what we jokingly call the "love document", basically saying we won't let it affect our work and won't cause the company problems, et cetera. He is uncomfortable with our company being in our business... our boss already knows that we are interested in each other and has been teasing Adam about it whenever I'm walking into the office in the morning, calling me his girlfriend. I understand this concern entirely and don't want anyone's noses in our business either, but I think it's something that we can prevent if we just keep it to ourselves. After he told me all of this, I told him that if he wasn't interested in me any longer to feel free to tell me, I wouldn't hold it against him. I just wanted some answers so I didn't look dumb in the end when I realized I was making it all up in my head. He apologized for coming across as hot and cold and told me he's still very interested. He then told me we'd talk about it later, when we weren't in a public setting with friends nearby who were most likely eavesdropping on the conversation.

Since then he has been much more flirty with me, our conversations at work have been less awkward and more fulfilling. The flow has just generally been better. He is more attentive to my needs (i.e. turning the heat up if I say I'm cold, offering to share his beverage if I'm out of water, offering to help me finish work projects if he perceives me as stressed, takes boxes from me if he sees me walking with one across the office). In fact, he texts me more than he did before which was already quite frequently. Still no date though. We touched on the subject very briefly the other night and he calls it "our situation". I meant to ask what the "situation" was but I was half asleep at the time and missed my shot. His best friend (let's call him Luke) has told me that he has rallied for me, telling Adam that I am great and that he should just "go there" already. Luke even tried to invoke jealousy in Adam (Luke thought it would be motivating) by telling him that he and I were out at a bar together, which Adam immediately sent me a text about that night, asking if I was with Luke because he had gotten a "strange text" from him that night. Adam was weirdly short with me about the entire thing. I had no idea what was going on, so I said no. Luke later clarified why he did what he did and it hasn't been spoken about since. I found the whole thing strange.

Tonight I went out with another guy who has pursued me quite aggressively and, though he was very attractive and we were laughing a lot, I couldn't help but feel guilty going out with him when I knew that, if Adam found out, he'd probably be hurt. At least I know I would've been if the situation had been reversed. As a result, I didn't enjoy the date as much as I probably should have. This all caught me by surprise, as I was excited about seeing this new guy going into it. He did nothing to deter me that I really picked up on, so I really had no reason to be disinterested. All I can think is that the guilt ate away at my fun. But why feel guilty when there is nothing between me and Adam? Do you see what I'm saying?

If you were me, would you wait around for Adam? Why or why not? We are both looking for new jobs, not necessarily because of this but it does help in the motivation department. I am so torn and need some objective views here. Thanks for your time.
 
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melvimbe is online now melvimbe Post #2  January 19,2012, 2:35am
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It seems to me like you've been pretty blunt and done what you need to do for the most part. Have you asked him out on a one on one date? After all you've done, it seems that this is his pace, and you either have to 'lead' a little, wait for him, or move on. You really don't owe him anything, as it's ridiculous for him to expect that you're exclusive when he hasn't even ask you out yet.

I applaud you for going out on a date with someone else. I don't think you should feel guilty about it at all. If he won't ask you out, you shouldn't be excluded from going out on dates.

Have you asked him why he is going so slow when you're pretty much a sure thing for a date? I suppose the company could be a policy, but it seems like you all aren't bothered by that with the flirting at work. Was he hurt in the past? I hate to say it, but is he possibly gay? I have seen guys give dating women the old college try by befriending the heck out of them, but never really turning on the romance...because they just don't have it in them.
 
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Tipitina is offline Tipitina Post #3  January 19,2012, 3:36am
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Some people enjoy having the 'work spouse' -- someone of the opposite sex at the office that they can confide in and be close to about personal and career issues. It's a very comforting thing, and often has the trappings of a relationship (emotional intimacy) without the work of a relationship. This kind of sounds like that kind of arrangement.

Adam hasn't done anything to move this relationship from the work spouse arrangement to real life. To Melvimbe's point, it doesn't look as if he will, either. Meanwhile, the situation is holding you back from pursuing relationships with men who have demonstrated that they are both interested and motivated to have a real, honest-to-goodness relationship with you.

You have two choices: ask Adam on a legitimate 'boyfriend/girlfriend' date, or tell him that you are going to pursue a relationship with someone else. This kinda-sorta-are-we-aren't-we is really just an excuse, and you shouldn't be held back by his inability to get off the stick. I think you know that, based on the fact that you went on the date with the other man and enjoyed it.

I had a somewhat similar situation at work, and I understand how good it can feel to have someone like Adam in your life. I also know that the longer the situation lasts, the less likely it is that the two people will end up in a romantic relationship. I enjoyed my situation and still have fond memories of the man I was in it with, but I still wish I'd not invested myself in the feelings as much as I did.
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #4  January 19,2012, 4:09am
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In my experience, when a guy is genuinely interested, he wouldn't allow an act of God to stand in his way of making that interest known... and sealing the deal before someone else does.

Do NOT wait for him. He knows how you feel and has not taken the initiative to advance the relationship beyond a friendship. And I believe that's how Adam sees this relationship... as a friendship. I'm sure he likes you, enjoys your company, spending time w/ you and talking to you. He likely even finds you attractive. However, if Adam felt the sexual tension necessary for this to be a more 'romantic' relationship, he would have acted on that by now. Whatever Adam needs to 'feel' to move this forward is missing.

I'm sorry, but my advice is to move on. Find someone who's crazy about you and thinks you're so amazing he won't hesitate for fear that someone else might see in you what he does and he'll lose his chance.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #5  January 19,2012, 5:18am
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What I find amusing about your story is that he says that he doesn't want to date you officially for lack of a better word, because he doesn't want that out in the workplace. However, everyone at work is already fully aware of your connection/relationship and the boss is openly teasing you guys about it. So, to me his work excuse at this point is just silly and doesn't hold water. In fact, if he really didn't want this out all over the workplace, he should probably tone down his behavior at work toward you in terms of everything he does for you, all the texting on company time, etc. He is openly acting out a dating scenario at work and, if you think about it, that's precisely the kind of stuff that the company would prefer wasn't going on because it is interfering with your work and can make the workplace uncomfortable for others.

I think you probably should sit down and talk to him and point out the above, see how he responds to that. If he still plays the work excuse card, then you need to tell him that going forward you consider him nothing more than a friend and limit your interactions with him accordingly. In short, give him a chance to get his head on straight and if that doesn't work, you are free of him and can pursue real relationships with men who actually want one with you guilt free.
 
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shiver is offline shiver Post #6  January 19,2012, 7:45am
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Thanks for all of the thoughtful replies, it's given me some things to think about.

Someone asked about if maybe he's worried due to his past... Luke told me that, yes, Adam has been hurt significantly in the past, lost friends over it, the whole shebang and that may be why he's timid about it. I was told that he had put it all on the line for the last girl he was with and she moved away with no consideration for how he felt, ended up getting married in less time than they were dating, and now has two kids with the guy. Adam has mentioned this once to me but never told me the whole story behind it and seemed uncomfortable talking about it.

And I agree that, if everyone already knows, why is it a big deal to just go out? I'm not looking for a three year commitment here, I'm not sure we'd even get on if we went out on a date... and that's really all I want to find out. I would understand the hesitation more had we been dating for three months and were getting more serious. Otherwise I don't think it's the company's business how I handle my personal life.

Once upon a time I had asked my best friend if maybe I should just establish some boundaries with him; i.e. not talking to him outside work, not talking about anything but strictly work related things, et cetera. This was before things really started up, before I even knew we were mutually interested in each other. The issue here is that he's worried about this making things awkward between us as it is, so by establishing boundaries would I just be fulfilling that prophecy? My intention isn't to punish him or make it awkward, I just think maybe keeping it strictly professional will help me move on. If I go through with this, should I inform him that this is what I'm doing or just go with it? I just want to be clear about what my intentions are.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #7  January 19,2012, 9:51am
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As for making things possibly awkward.....that cat is long out of the bag. In that respect, regardless of whether you decide to date, continue to be friends or distance yourself completely, you do need to establish some clear boundaries when it comes to your work environment. You should hands down strive to be professional. Yes, you do owe him a friendly explanation of what's up rather than just suddenly going cold on him and leaving him wondering what just happened or thinking that his fears have come true.

As to the whole he was hurt, he is scared, etc. That's his problem to deal with. You didn't cause it and more importantly, you can't cure it. You never ever want to get involved with a fixer upper. The concept may be good for flipping houses, but it never makes for healthy and happy relationships.
 
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brokensmile76 is offline brokensmile76 Post #8  January 19,2012, 9:54am
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Special-K wrote :
In my experience, when a guy is genuinely interested, he wouldn't allow an act of God to stand in his way of making that interest known... and sealing the deal before someone else does.

Do NOT wait for him. He knows how you feel and has not taken the initiative to advance the relationship beyond a friendship. And I believe that's how Adam sees this relationship... as a friendship. I'm sure he likes you, enjoys your company, spending time w/ you and talking to you. He likely even finds you attractive. However, if Adam felt the sexual tension necessary for this to be a more 'romantic' relationship, he would have acted on that by now. Whatever Adam needs to 'feel' to move this forward is missing.

I'm sorry, but my advice is to move on. Find someone who's crazy about you and thinks you're so amazing he won't hesitate for fear that someone else might see in you what he does and he'll lose his chance.
I agree totally with you Special-K. Sometimes I think this forum just needs like options on the posts.
 
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shiver is offline shiver Post #9  January 19,2012, 1:01pm
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DancingFool wrote :
Yes, you do owe him a friendly explanation of what's up rather than just suddenly going cold on him and leaving him wondering what just happened or thinking that his fears have come true.
I guess my question is how do I bring this up without looking like I'm trying to provoke a reaction from him?
 
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jme21 is offline jme21 Post #10  January 19,2012, 2:09pm
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The solution to this problem is easy - if he's not going to man up (which I don't see why you wouldn't consider that an unattractive quality and just move on to someone who can) then you have two options 1) move on 2) If you want him, call him out on the BS and tell him if he's interested in you to do something about it otherwise quit playing the hot/cold I'm interested/not interested garbage.

Just sayin...
 
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