KBA72 is offline KBA72 Post #1  January 16,2012, 9:28am
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The man I've been dating for 2 months has custody of his 2 young children every other week. He's extremely close to his kids (a positive). Most weeks, even when he doesn't have them, he will go to their school and have lunch with them once or twice during the week. But last night I found out that when he has his kids, all three of them plus his two dogs sleep in his room together. This is their norm. He said that his daughter has slept in her own room twice, both times when she had sleep-overs with friends. Not to put the cart before the horse, but I foresee problems with this if our relationship progresses. I'm not quite sure how to handle this, or even if there *is* a way to handle it? Does this, in essence, make him an unavailable guy?

In most other respects, we've been doing good. He's very sweet and thoughtful. My son was in an accident a couple weeks ago, and he came to the emergency room as soon as he found out just to see if there was anything he could do to help and to be supportive. So, in many ways he's great...it's just mainly the sleeping arrangement that has me thinking. Thoughts?
 
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eharmonyjc is offline eharmonyjc Post #2  January 16,2012, 9:45am
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I think that's weird, but also isn't uncommon from what I've read.

I'm sure other posters will have good ideas on how to handle this though. I certainly wouldn't know how, I don't usually date guys with kids
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #3  January 16,2012, 9:48am
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How long is he divorced? Is he in a tiny place? He may be a nice guy..... but he has not made room for grown up dating....Good Luck...
KBA72 wrote :
The man I've been dating for 2 months has custody of his 2 young children every other week.

all three of them plus his two dogs sleep in his room together.

He said that his daughter has slept in her own room twice, both times when she had sleep-overs with friends
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #4  January 16,2012, 9:51am
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KBA72 wrote :
The man I've been dating for 2 months has custody of his 2 young children every other week. He's extremely close to his kids (a positive). Most weeks, even when he doesn't have them, he will go to their school and have lunch with them once or twice during the week. But last night I found out that when he has his kids, all three of them plus his two dogs sleep in his room together. This is their norm. He said that his daughter has slept in her own room twice, both times when she had sleep-overs with friends. Not to put the cart before the horse, but I foresee problems with this if our relationship progresses. I'm not quite sure how to handle this, or even if there *is* a way to handle it? Does this, in essence, make him an unavailable guy?
Several moms and I were talking to a child development specialist about young children and sleep earlier this week! Many parents and cultures differ on whether or not to have a "family bed". For those who do begin with co-sleeping in America, the prime motivators for eventually kicking their kids out are (a) kid readiness and (b) wanting intimate/alone time with their spouse. Obviously, that second motivator doesn't exist for him! She said current research indicates that if sleeping alone is a skill they should learn--and most American would say it is--then they should be learning to sleep on their own at latest at age five. If they're very young I wouldn't be concerned, as long as he would plan to move them out if you were to move in.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #5  January 16,2012, 9:54am
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eharmonyjc wrote :
I think that's weird, but also isn't uncommon from what I've read.
Co-sleeping is very common among married couples, where it should sound even weirder! Think of it this way--in the old days, mom would've stayed home all day with the kids. These days, mom is often away in the workplace and kids may be closer to their nanny than their parents! Co-sleeping gives parent and child more bonding time together.

(My parent groups are dominated by moms. A common story from mom is, mom wants co-sleeping time, while dad wants intimate time. Often compromises are hammered out, like the child falling alseep in their own room, and then coming back to the parents' room when they wake up two hours later.. until the child gets to an age like 3/4 where they want to sleep on their own.)
Last edited by shapeShifter79; January 16,2012 at 10:01am.
 
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Holiday_HH is offline Holiday_HH Post #6  January 16,2012, 9:57am
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Are you ready to be having weekend sleepover with this man? If so, I think this is a conversation you should be having with him. Ask him where you'll fit in - it doesn't have to be an accusatory thin ("you won't have time/space for me") but rather a question ("I think it's great that...I'm wondering how this will work when I..."). It should be amconversationthat you have; it will be an adjustment for him and his kids.

Did you say how old the kids are?
 
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KBA72 is offline KBA72 Post #7  January 16,2012, 10:06am
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Wiseman2 wrote :
How long is he divorced? Is he in a tiny place? He may be a nice guy..... but he has not made room for grown up dating....Good Luck...
He has been divorced for 4 years. His home is large, at least 5 or 6 bedrooms.
 
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KBA72 is offline KBA72 Post #8  January 16,2012, 10:09am
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Holiday_HH wrote :
Are you ready to be having weekend sleepover with this man? If so, I think this is a conversation you should be having with him. Ask him where you'll fit in - it doesn't have to be an accusatory thin ("you won't have time/space for me") but rather a question ("I think it's great that...I'm wondering how this will work when I..."). It should be amconversationthat you have; it will be an adjustment for him and his kids.

Did you say how old the kids are?
His kids are 8 and 6.
 
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KBA72 is offline KBA72 Post #9  January 16,2012, 10:16am
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shapeShifter79 wrote :
Several moms and I were talking to a child development specialist about young children and sleep earlier this week! Many parents and cultures differ on whether or not to have a "family bed". For those who do begin with co-sleeping in America, the prime motivators for eventually kicking their kids out are (a) kid readiness and (b) wanting intimate/alone time with their spouse. Obviously, that second motivator doesn't exist for him! She said current research indicates that if sleeping alone is a skill they should learn--and most American would say it is--then they should be learning to sleep on their own at latest at age five. If they're very young I wouldn't be concerned, as long as he would plan to move them out if you were to move in.
I'm not opposed to co-sleeping per se. My son, who is 12 years old, slept with me when he was younger and still does if he is sick or has a nightmare, etc. His kids are 8 and 6, and I really have a hard time imagining him moving them out. And even if he did, I wonder if that wouldn't create a problem for me in with his kids, particularly his daughter who may already be a little jealous of sharing dad's attention.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #10  January 16,2012, 10:17am
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Then he is just in family life continuum mode...and not accepted the realities of dating in the grown up world.

Maybe it's why he's divorce...no boundaries, no adult time, no private time. Maybe he only knows how to he a father, rather than a man, boyfriend, husband.

If his daughter is old enough for her own room and slumber parties she doesn't belong in dad's bed...it's just weird and will continue to cripple his dating life....maybe his kids know that at some level.
 
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