itsabeatutifulday is offline itsabeatutifulday Post #51  January 22,2012, 1:10pm
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KBA72 wrote :
He has been divorced for 4 years. His home is large, at least 5 or 6 bedrooms.
The OP's guy has been divorced for awhile. See above^^^^^
 
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livinagin is offline livinagin Post #52  January 22,2012, 1:34pm
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itsabeatutifulday wrote :
The OP's guy has been divorced for awhile. See above^^^^^
Hahahaha!

The result of trying to keep our problems straight! lol
 
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KBA72 is offline KBA72 Post #53  January 25,2012, 2:20pm
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Christine_: Also, give him time and space, because it's never a good idea to rush into combining the divorced parent family life with the dating life. Rule of thumb is NEVER before 6 months, and waiting longer is perfectly ok.
I think I just figured this out the hard way over the weekend.

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Roccio: My little girl (now 13), would sneak into my bed nearly every night until she was in the 6th grade. When she was in 3rd grade, a relationship I was in had progressed to the point where I felt comfortable having my GF sleep over on the weekends. When this happened, I simply told my daughter that she needed to stay in her own bed for the whole night. That was that.
I'm curious if you would have handled this the same way if your daughter was sleeping with you all night...not just sneaking in, but being put to bed there?

wrote :
itsabeautifulday: I am assuming this is the same guy from your other thread. Yet,3 weeks later you still have not had the exclusivity talk or become intimate, seems like even thinking about discussing his sleeping arrangements with his kids is putting cart before the horse.
Correct, we have not become intimate or had the exclusivity talk. It could be seen as putting the cart before the horse, but why proceed to the next level if I foresee a major problem? Everyone's advice and suggestions about ways to think about this issue have been very helpful. Anyway, in those 3 weeks, we've only had one date where we've been alone. In fact, he seems to always be wanting to come over to my house where there are guaranteed to be family and friends in and out. Part of that may be because of my son's accident and maybe he was thinking I wouldn't want to leave my son alone/with a sitter. But I was starting to feel like he was avoiding being alone with me. Even the date that we were alone started with him planning to spend at my house, and I told him flat out we would not be doing that. So, we were alone on that date at his house and did some making out on the sofa, but he didn't ask me to spend the night...and frankly, his somewhat lukewarm reaction when I flirted with him about it via text (see previous post) makes me feel a little bewildered. Also, all of the time we've spent together since then has been public.

wrote :
harnomygirl: She does have to find a way to share her concerns that doesn't imply he's a pervert though. This will be a tricky thing to talk about if that is what is driving her concern.
No, this is not my concern. I don't think he's a pervert. My concern is simply having the kids resent me if there was a change in the sleeping arrangements that is obviously due to my relationship with their father ... as well as what I perceive would be his reluctance to make any change now to ease that transition.. or even to make any change in the future.

So, let me ask you all something? This weekend we did some events with the kids. He didn't show any affection toward me whatsoever around his children, even looking back over his shoulder to make sure they weren't watching to give me a hug goodnight. Is this common? Also, would you tell your children that the person you're dating is 'just a friend'?
 
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KikiAZ is offline KikiAZ Post #54  January 25,2012, 2:37pm
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KBA72 wrote :
Also, would you tell your children that the person you're dating is 'just a friend'?
YES. By law, in all 50 states and Canada, you are required to first say they are "a friend," then you may progress to "special friend" and after much time together you say "girlfriend" ....

Dude. Dont read too much into THAT.

(not to say things are all good on all fronts with this situation, though)
Last edited by KikiAZ; January 25,2012 at 2:39pm.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #55  January 26,2012, 4:45am
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He is not ready to date. There are tremendous issues in his head with the kids...and that he is "cheating" on their mother.

If you have more reasonable options, probably best to cut your losses.

He is a head case... the weirdness, coldness,excuses, etc. you have already observed are the tip of the iceberg...Good Luck
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #56  January 26,2012, 5:15am
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It is all uphill from here on until the kids are used to having you around and he tells them that he now has a girl friend.

I sort of agree with Wiseman2, unless you are ready to put up with his initial coldness, less affection etc till everything is settled down, you might consider moving on.

Keep in mind, kids ARE VERY observant and will drill and grill him about you the next time they meet the same friend. So he has to put up some sort of walls to deflect that ...

This is definitely NOT easy for him .... and for you either. It all depends on how much you two like each other and how you want to ride through this first test in the relationship.

And yes, if I had small children and dating someone I would call that person a friend initially. I was on the other side of the line, and I was called a friend, but the little one was too smart and started asking why are you doing this why are you holding hands etc very quickly. Do NOT read too much into that .... he is walking a fine line right now.

And good luck whichever way you decide to go ...
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #57  January 26,2012, 6:06am
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Introducing you as just a friend for now with his kids, makes sense. However, avoiding private adult time with you, being cold to you when one on one is pretty wild. Why are you bothering with this head case? Do you even like him or is it more the challenge that's got you hooked?
 
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