Discussing money on first date/conversation


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littlemissmuffet is offline littlemissmuffet Post #1  January 14,2012, 7:01pm
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Hi- I live in NYC and tell me if I'm wrong but men seem to bring up money way to early in dating/first conversation. I'm by no means a gold digger - I plan to work throughout any relationship I have and enjoy bringing home the bacon- but at the same time don't want money be discussed right from the gate. I know men in the city may be concerned about a woman's expensive lifestyle (we tend to like nice shoes, clothes, apartments, etc) but it such a put off to complain about the costs of things and how living in the city is so expensive. Wanted to know both sexes feedback on this?
 
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LDJ is offline LDJ Post #2  January 14,2012, 7:17pm
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It would put me off if a guy brought up money or complained about the cost of living on the first date, I'll say that is tasteless, imho.

Perhaps they are dropping a hint that they want you to pay for the costs associated with dating and are fishing to see your position on this, or maybe they're trying to see if you are able to support your own lifestyle or are drowning in debt. Just some thoughts.

But you bring up a good point that I don't see discussed here on the boards about how a person goes about getting this kind of information on someone they are dating. It is an important issue.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #3  January 14,2012, 7:53pm
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I don't live in New York. I've never discussed finances on a first or even fourth date. I do bring up her career and education.

LDJ wrote :
I don't see discussed here on the boards about how a person goes about getting this kind of information
Such a discussion is usually unnecessary since job title + education + years experience typically gives you a fairly accurate salary estimate if you Google it. The estimates get especially accurate once they reveal the actual corporation they're working for.
Last edited by shapeShifter79; January 14,2012 at 8:02pm.
 
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LDJ is offline LDJ Post #4  January 14,2012, 8:04pm
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shapeShifter79 wrote :
I don't live in New York. I've never discussed finances on a first or even fourth date. I do bring up her career and education.


Such a discussion is usually unnecessary since job title + education + years experience typically gives you a fairly accurate salary estimate if you Google it. The estimates get especially accurate once they reveal the actual corporation they're working for.
Agreed, but it doesn't give you an asset/liabilities status.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #5  January 14,2012, 8:11pm
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LDJ wrote :
Agreed, but it doesn't give you an asset/liabilities status.
That's true. It was a few dates before I discovered my girlfriend was putting all her siblings through college without loans! I took that as more of a plus than a minus (she's very compassionate) and it's only temporary, but I suppose for some that would be a dealbreaker.

You know, even two months in I wouldn't feel comfortable asking, "Is your house paid off? How much have you paid into it?" That sounds so mercenary! And I can't imagine her answer changing whether or not I was interested in a relationship with her.
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barbarella_42 is offline barbarella_42 Post #6  January 14,2012, 8:22pm
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I live in New York too, and I've experienced the same thing. I think it's mostly because going out can be so horrendously expensive here. I think it's pretty tacky to raise the topic on the first date, but I'm not surprised when it rolls around somewhere in the next few.

My SO told me (not on any of the first few dates!) that he's dated a lot of women who not only never offer to pick up the check, but actually get insulted if it's in any way intimated that they should. He feels pretty burned by that and actually decided some time ago that while he always pays for the first date, if the woman doesn't offer to chip in, there won't be a second. (He doesn't buy into the theory many women have that the cost of women's physical maintenance offsets the cost of dating. I understand where it comes from, but I don't totally buy into it either.)

I offered to split the bill the first time we went out, and he refused. He's actually a very generous man, although I think he realizes that I make significantly more than he does. We generally take turns picking up the check and the rule is that anyone who thinks it's not working out to be fair over time has to speak up. So far, we've both found that it works out to be pretty fair.
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barbarella_42 is offline barbarella_42 Post #7  January 14,2012, 8:22pm
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I live in New York too, and I've experienced the same thing. I think it's mostly because going out can be so horrendously expensive here. I think it's pretty tacky to raise the topic on the first date, but I'm not surprised when it around somewhere in the next few.

My SO told me (not on any of the first few dates!) that he's dated a lot of women who not only never offer to pick up the check, but actually get insulted if it's in any way intimated that they should. He feels pretty burned by that and actually decided some time ago that while he always pays for the first date, if the woman doesn't offer to chip in, there won't be a second. (He doesn't buy into the theory many women have that the cost of women's physical maintenance offsets the cost of dating. I understand where it comes from, but I don't totally buy into it either.)

I offered to split the bill the first time we went out, and he refused. He's actually a very generous man, although I think he realizes that I make significantly more than he does. We generally take turns picking up the check and the rule is that anyone who thinks it's not working out to be fair over time has to speak up. So far, we've both found that it works out to be pretty fair.
 
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barbarella_42 is offline barbarella_42 Post #8  January 14,2012, 8:26pm
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I should add that I don't really mind the financial topic coming up at an appropriate time. I'm interested in managing my own finances and I paid my very modest apartment off in 6 1/2 years, so I own it free and clear. I don't think a partner has to be as extreme about finances as I can be and have been, but if we're not in the same ballpark mindset, I know it's not going to have long term potential.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #9  January 14,2012, 8:30pm
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barbarella_42 wrote :
while he always pays for the first date, if the woman doesn't offer to chip in, there won't be a second.
Oh! That's different. I had that same policy for awhile. I only dropped it because: (a) 90% offered to pay so it didn't provide any helpful info and (b) I generally buy them wine on a first date which only costs about $8. I agree, a woman who isn't willing to offer to split costs is a definite turn-off.
 
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Buck is offline Buck Post #10  January 14,2012, 8:32pm
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I don't believe it's necessary to discuss personal finances at any point before contemplating a permanent relationship. Until then, there's plenty to be learned by simple observation.
 
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