NOT meeting the kids... a Dealbreaker?!


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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #1  January 14,2012, 3:21pm
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I've been dating a guy for just over 5 months now... 3 months exclusively. We've had a great time, and really enjoy each other. I've even used the "L" word, although he says he's not comfortable using it back just yet. He says when he says it, he wants to back it up (with a ring). I know some people are different, and the pace of "L" and all of that is different, but is there a such thing as too slow? Of course there is based on your own perception of too slow, but... when it comes to your own gauge, if things feel they are going too slow, would you end it?

He has his kids every weekend... yes, every weekend. So, normally, not meeting the kids might not be such a big deal... but, if you have your kids every weekend, that means you are not able to go out on the weekends unless you're willing to let the other person meet your kids. And, from my perspective, it's not like I can date other people, and the entire reason for me dating is to find a special partner that I can spend time with, especially my weekends when my girlfriends are busy with their families...

What would you do? His actions speak loudly that he feels strongly about me, when it comes to how he treats me... but his words, and integrating me into his life is at a snail's pace. Don't want to let a good thing go, but also want to recognize when a good thing is only a good thing because I want it to be... not because it really is.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  January 14,2012, 3:37pm
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I think you are right.

Five months is more than enough to expect full weekends together. On that point, I am sure I would have ended it before now.

I presume people are protective of their children, but in this case I think the failure to demonstrate healthy dating behavior is doing the children a disservice.

***

From my perspective, I would not mind you taking a more forceful tack and simply planning an event that involves meeting the children.

As I recall, however, you practice a passive dating style, so you've now painted yourself into a corner. If you like the person and how he treats you, it does seem safe to wait this out.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #3  January 14,2012, 3:40pm
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Guess I should add... for those of you who know me... I changed up my timing a little bit. Trying to be more open and the deed has well since been done! For just in case that has any effect on the recommendations given !
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #4  January 14,2012, 3:57pm
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jussmile wrote :
Guess I should add... for those of you who know me... I changed up my timing a little bit. Trying to be more open and the deed has well since been done! For just in case that has any effect on the recommendations given !
Cool! you paid for dinner!
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #5  January 14,2012, 3:58pm
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It's okay to say Sex!
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  January 14,2012, 3:58pm
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Most of this not from firsthand experience, but I have a friend who is dating a guy much like yours. Saying "I LOVE you" was / is a very, very important thing to him. They were together for at least a year before he ever used the word LOVE. To some people this is a very powerful word that is not to be uttered without a strong commitment. To others it is a word that they bandy about with little thought. I can understand your frustration but you have discussed this and to him it is something that is not to be said lightly.

Now as for the children thing. I am assuming that his children are younger (I believe you have posted about this but my memory is not so good being old such as I am). There have been some on these boards, usually women, who have stated that they would not introduce their children to the person that they were dating until they had been together for at least a year. I don't happen to ascribe to this as I happen to think that children, of any age, are far more resilient than most people give them credit for. If you are in the dating game in search of a LTR and eventually marriage the children, particularly younger children, are a very large part of the decision process. I would hate to date someone for a year and then meet their children and have them not like me or that I find "those little angles" are actually unruly, spoiled brats and have the relationship end. I would feel that I had wasted that year of my life. So his not introducing his children to you would be a concern to me on several levels not just that he spends every weekend with his children. FWIW being older and having dated before there was an internet and online dating sites, it was the norm to meet someones children very early on. Even on the first date as the guy would pick the girl up at her house even on the first date.
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #7  January 14,2012, 3:59pm
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Have you asked him when he'd feel comfortable w/ you meeting his kids? And why the hold-up?

I get that five months isn't long enough to necessarily decide a life-long future, but I would be somewhat concerned that he's not introducing you b/c he maybe doesn't see this as long-term. B/c if he did, he'd likely want to know how you interacted w/ his kids and how they are going to feel about you.

It seems you've put yourself WAY out there and he's still taking baby steps. Has he met your kids?

IDK, Jus, this is tricky. If you've discussed this w/ him... what has he said?
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  January 14,2012, 4:01pm
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jussmile wrote :
Guess I should add... for those of you who know me... I changed up my timing a little bit. Trying to be more open and the deed has well since been done! For just in case that has any effect on the recommendations given !
And here I always thought you were a sex on the second date person
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  January 14,2012, 4:03pm
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D_Lion wrote :
I presume people are protective of their children, but in this case I think the failure to demonstrate healthy dating behavior is doing the children a disservice.
There is that aspect of it too.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #10  January 14,2012, 4:14pm
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Special-K wrote :
Have you asked him when he'd feel comfortable w/ you meeting his kids? And why the hold-up?

I get that five months isn't long enough to necessarily decide a life-long future, but I would be somewhat concerned that he's not introducing you b/c he maybe doesn't see this as long-term. B/c if he did, he'd likely want to know how you interacted w/ his kids and how they are going to feel about you.

It seems you've put yourself WAY out there and he's still taking baby steps. Has he met your kids?

IDK, Jus, this is tricky. If you've discussed this w/ him... what has he said?

He says that he wants to take it slow and to make sure that this is lasting before he introduces anyone to his kids. I have offered to let him meet my kids (to try and speed things up), but he didn't think it would be fair to do that. So, he won't meet them at this point. He doesn't have an idea of how long it will take, so I have no idea. Thinking about giving it one more month, and then that's it... don't know. Like him, but not looking to waste these precious years either!
 
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