I am trying to move on but need advice before making a mistake


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findtheone is offline findtheone Post #1  January 13,2012, 8:41pm
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I need a little advice.

I ended my relationship with an emotionally abusive boyfriend after 2years 10mo in mid-November. Two weeks later I agreed to go out with another guy.

Now I do not believe in rebounds and I honestly thought I would be okay because I fell out of love with my now-ex long before I manged to get out. It was a pretty bad first date and he came on VERY strong. It made me feel bad about ending the relationship even though I know it was the right thing to do. So, I told him we needed to just be friends and see what happens. After hanging out a few times and talking quite a bit I still liked him enough so I tried dating him again.

I still do not feel a connection with him, just attraction. He is 8 years older than me, but he is horribly immature. Through conversation I am positive there will never be any intellectual conversations. He lacks ambition. I think he is a bit spoiled because he comes from a fairly wealthy family and he said he can only wear certain labels to be in the latest fashions.

I have also caught him in a couple little lies, which I talked to him about. As much as I hate being lonely and want to move on and find the one, I think I should be on my own for a while. I keep telling him that I have not gotten over the ex, what he put me through, all his punishments and the fact that he cheated on me. This is not a lie entirely.

This new man still calls me every night and asks me to hang out a few times a week. He ended a recent text with "love." I asked if he loved me, he said yes. I asked like a friend or like he did his exes, he said he loved me. He admitted earlier that he gets attached to quickly. I have to remind this man over and over that we are just friends.

I am just really confused. I have somebody who I believe has stronger feelings for me than I ever felt from my ex. My ex told me I would be the one to have problems and that he would be okay and move on quickly.

Right away I thought that this new man was not right for me, that we are too different. Then I started thinking that this guy really likes me, and he is a very sweet man. He appears to lack the temper that made me scared of my ex. Is this new relationship something I should give up on or take a chance on? I cannot figure out if I am just being to picky or if our differences are truly a problem. If I should give up on the relationship how can I get this man to back down without destroying a friendship? I cannot help but feel that I am just so afraid of ending up alone.
 
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Goomph is offline Goomph — Advice Member-Moderator Post #2  January 14,2012, 10:32am
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You do not feel a conection

You think he is immature

He come on VERY strong on the first date

He lies

You are not over your ex

He lacks ambition

He is a bit spoiled

He is a show off

You met him a few times but he loves you already.

You think he is not right for you and you two are too different.



If you have/had an daughter and she came to you and read the above list and asked you your opinion whether she should date this person or not, what would you say ?

I think you know the answer already, and it is the right answer .....I believe, first of all, you need to find yourself and get over your ex before you start dating. You will not be alone, you will find someone who will love you, why hurry and get into a relationship where your gut instincts are telling you he is not a good match ?
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #3  January 14,2012, 10:40am
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findtheone wrote :
I need a little advice.

I ended my relationship with an emotionally abusive boyfriend after 2years 10mo in mid-November. Two weeks later I agreed to go out with another guy.

Now I do not believe in rebounds and I honestly thought I would be okay because I fell out of love with my now-ex long before I manged to get out. It was a pretty bad first date and he came on VERY strong. It made me feel bad about ending the relationship even though I know it was the right thing to do. So, I told him we needed to just be friends and see what happens. After hanging out a few times and talking quite a bit I still liked him enough so I tried dating him again.

I still do not feel a connection with him, just attraction. He is 8 years older than me, but he is horribly immature. Through conversation I am positive there will never be any intellectual conversations. He lacks ambition. I think he is a bit spoiled because he comes from a fairly wealthy family and he said he can only wear certain labels to be in the latest fashions.

I have also caught him in a couple little lies, which I talked to him about. As much as I hate being lonely and want to move on and find the one, I think I should be on my own for a while. I keep telling him that I have not gotten over the ex, what he put me through, all his punishments and the fact that he cheated on me. This is not a lie entirely.

This new man still calls me every night and asks me to hang out a few times a week. He ended a recent text with "love." I asked if he loved me, he said yes. I asked like a friend or like he did his exes, he said he loved me. He admitted earlier that he gets attached to quickly. I have to remind this man over and over that we are just friends.

I am just really confused. I have somebody who I believe has stronger feelings for me than I ever felt from my ex. My ex told me I would be the one to have problems and that he would be okay and move on quickly.

Right away I thought that this new man was not right for me, that we are too different. Then I started thinking that this guy really likes me, and he is a very sweet man. He appears to lack the temper that made me scared of my ex. Is this new relationship something I should give up on or take a chance on? I cannot figure out if I am just being to picky or if our differences are truly a problem. If I should give up on the relationship how can I get this man to back down without destroying a friendship? I cannot help but feel that I am just so afraid of ending up alone.
There are red flags everywhere!

Please do yourself a favor and completely step away from this new guy. While he has different issues than your ex, I see you repeating the same behavior all over... staying in an unsatisfying and possibly dysfunctional situation to avoid being alone.

The very fact that you are considering moving this thing forward knowing he's not right for you simply b/c he is professing his 'love' for you... ??

I might also suggest counseling. Though I don't view this as an end-all be-all fix, I do think it will help give you some direction and teach you how to instill proper boundaries w/ men moving forward.

Good luck!
 
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emma_hazards is offline emma_hazards Post #4  January 14,2012, 10:43am
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First congratulations on getting out of an abusive relationship.

Unfortunately, you are diving from one bad relationship into another. If I have a bad date, particularly one in which the guy is overly aggressive, I do not subject myself to another. This second guy doesn't love you! He's being manipulative and is playing mind games with you.

My guess is that you are a little lonely, and are trying to plug the void that is left when a relationship ends. We've all been there, and it's hard. I would encourage you to take some time away from dating. You need time to examine how your prior relationship became abusive. What flags did you miss along the way? What flags did you choose to ignore and why? What could you have done differently to recognize what was happening and exit sooner...or never get started in the first place? Use the time as well to develop some close friendships and outside interests. These will help you rebuild your self-esteem, and limit the negative chatter from your ex that is still replaying in your mind. Friends and outside interests will also leave you less vulnerable to "sticking it out" in a bad relationship because you have nothing else of significance in your life (not saying that you don't or didn't).

Not every date should lead to a second or third or fourth. Dating is simply an exploration to determine if someone might be a good match for you. As you learn more, the answer can become "no" at any point. There are a lot of frogs out there. It's OK to walk away when you discover one. In fact, it's the healthiest thing you can do for yourself.

Remember, we tell people how we want to be treated. Tolerating someone who doesn't respect the boundaries you set, and agreeing to more of the same by dating him again, will get you back in the same unhappy spot that you just left. There is nothing wrong with you. Learn to trust your instincts, and understand that you absolutely deserve a man who treats you well and respects your wishes. He will come along.

Best of luck!
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #5  January 14,2012, 10:45am
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Personally, I don't find this situation agreeable from either side.

Someone who lied to me is not worth more than a "friend with benefit" - and, unfortunately, if they lie then I'd feel unsafe with them at all.

Other than that, I don't see a huge problem with having someone in your life; I think an imperfect partner is better than none. It's just a matter of understanding the consequences (mainly wasted time) and, hopefully, making sure both people are clear on the intent.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  January 14,2012, 10:45am
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I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

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Ending a nearly 3 year relationship is very much like a divorce. You need to take the same kind of time to work on all the aspects of the end of that relationship and "grieve" the end.

You have mentioned several times in your short post that you fear ending up alone. This indicates that you have issues that you need to work out. I also see signs that this new guy is very much like your ex. Maybe not the same temperament, but not capable of a healthy relationship. This means that you are being attracted to the same type of guys. A short bit of time with a competent therapist may be needed to help you get pointed in the right direction.

You say that this guy is immature. He admits that he quickly forms attachments, another word for that would be needy. He has decided that he "loves" you already after only knowing you for a very short time, he does not know what love is.

For your sake and his I hope that you end this. It is not good for you or for him.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #7  January 14,2012, 10:55am
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You said " I cannot help but feel that I am just so afraid of ending up alone." So you suspect that fear of being alone is driving you?

Maybe a good thing to do, then, would be to experiment: decide to be alone for 6 months, and see what happens. If fear really is driving you, that's not good; it will push you into accepting relationships you don't really want.

As for letting this guy go, which really it sounds like that's what you want to do, and for good reason ... you could use that as a learning experience too. Your ex was abusive. It's hard to be in conflict with or say "no" to, an abuser. This guy has not been abusive, right? So let yourself be straightforward and just say to him "I don't see a future in this relationship and am not going to pursue it." No "can't we be friends" or "no I won't date you, oh ok, yes I will date you" or other ways of wiggling out without being confrontive.

(And it is really kinder, if you don't want to date someone, to just say so, rather than stringing them along. Just don't get into criticizing him.)

Congratulations on getting out of an abusive situation!! Best wishes to you going forward.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #8  January 14,2012, 11:14am
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It's not this guy or nothing....It doesn't sound like a good match.......Try to date others but don't get so deep so fast.

If you look back... your ex probably came on strong and fast as well....and you are taken by early (meaningless) I love yous.

It's best not to go into your past and the sordid details of abusive relationships on dates...Coming across as a victim with this much vulnerability after a couple dates is not wise. Simply say things didn't work out

Dates are not therapists and can not "heal" you...Confide in your friends ,family or professionals about this.. Good Luck..
findtheone wrote :
It was a pretty bad first date and he came on VERY strong.

I still do not feel a connection with him, just attraction.
he is horribly immature.
He lacks ambition.
he is a bit spoiled because
I have also caught him in a couple little lies, which I talked to him about.

I asked if he loved me, he said yes..
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #9  January 14,2012, 1:39pm
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findtheone wrote :
Now I do not believe in rebounds
findtheone wrote :
I cannot help but feel that I am just so afraid of ending up alone.
Yes, Findtheone, there really is a Santa Rebound Clause.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #10  January 14,2012, 1:53pm
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Abort! Abort!

findtheone wrote :
It was a pretty bad first date and he came on VERY strong.

I still do not feel a connection with him

He is 8 years older than me, but he is horribly immature.

I am positive there will never be any intellectual conversations.

He lacks ambition.

I think he is a bit spoiled

I have also caught him in a couple little lies

He ended a recent text with "love."

wrote :
I cannot figure out if I am just being to picky
No, you're not being too picky, most men/women would run quickly from this one! I mean, the only issues I'm dealing with at the moment are a 45-minute commute, a mismatch in desired intimacy frequency (1-2/day vs 3-4/day), and she's not an athlete.. and we've spent lots of time together so we know many of each other's more private details. Statistically, half your dates will be on the honest side and a fair percentage should be "good" catches and the real hunt is for those "special" catches who seem to click with you much more than is usual.

PS - Some time alone is good for you! Soon you learn it's not so scary. In fact it's quite wonderful, and you only end it for a great partner.
Last edited by shapeShifter79; January 14,2012 at 1:55pm.
 
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