I am trying to move on but need advice before making a mistake


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findtheone is offline findtheone Post #11  January 14,2012, 2:52pm
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Wiseman2 wrote :
and you are taken by early (meaningless) I love yous.
First of all thank you all for your honesty. Secondly, a few of you have posted the same as above-I do not for a second believe that he really loves me. Regardless, someone who falls in love quickly falls out of love quickly. My friends and I believe him to be a very lonely (and yes) needy man. I thought I was okay moving on because I did not love my ex for a large part of the last year we were together but his words made me terrified to leave.

I know I should give myself time to heal and be more confident and comfortable in my own skin. Even though I do not want to be single, I do feel it is the best thing for me. It is just in these situations I do not want to hurt somebody. I did not want to hurt my ex despite everything he said and did to me. I told this new man that I wanted to just be friends but he still calls me every night and asks me to hang very often, most of the time I turn him down.

I was trying to ask him questions last night, about his favorite subjects and his interests. There is no depth to this man at all. I have been thinking a lot about this whole situation and I have concluded with absolute certainty that if we dated, that is all it would be. There would be nothing to make it last, there would not be a relationship and that is just a waste of time.

I also have told him I am not past my ex yet, and that I am still very very angry. Still, he does not back down. I hope he is not trying to manipulate me or play on my insecurities. Regardless, you all have helped me decide that getting involved with this man is a terrible idea. I do need to wait, think, heal then try again in another half year or so.

Wiseman2 wrote :
It's best not to go into your past and the sordid details of abusive relationships on dates...Coming across as a victim with this much vulnerability after a couple dates is not wise. Simply say things didn't work out
Great advice thank you. I think that is best from this point on as well.

Thank you all again.
Last edited by findtheone; January 14,2012 at 2:55pm.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #12  January 14,2012, 3:04pm
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findtheone wrote :
First of all thank you all for your honesty. Secondly, a few of you have posted the same as above-I do not for a second believe that he really loves me. Regardless, someone who falls in love quickly falls out of love quickly. My friends and I believe him to be a very lonely (and yes) needy man. I thought I was okay moving on because I did not love my ex for a large part of the last year we were together but his words made me terrified to leave.

I know I should give myself time to heal and be more confident and comfortable in my own skin. Even though I do not want to be single, I do feel it is the best thing for me. It is just in these situations I do not want to hurt somebody. I did not want to hurt my ex despite everything he said and did to me. I told this new man that I wanted to just be friends but he still calls me every night and asks me to hang very often, most of the time I turn him down.

I was trying to ask him questions last night, about his favorite subjects and his interests. There is no depth to this man at all. I have been thinking a lot about this whole situation and I have concluded with absolute certainty that if we dated, that is all it would be. There would be nothing to make it last, there would not be a relationship and that is just a waste of time.

I also have told him I am not past my ex yet, and that I am still very very angry. Still, he does not back down. I hope he is not trying to manipulate me or play on my insecurities. Regardless, you all have helped me decide that getting involved with this man is a terrible idea. I do need to wait, think, heal then try again in another half year or so.



Great advice thank you. I think that is best from this point on as well.

Thank you all again.
The thing is...it's actually more cruel to let this guy hang on and hope that you will someday change your mind and 'love' him back...

A true and healthy friendship between a man and woman can ONLY happen when neither of them have romantic feelings towards each other...

Otherwise...it's like it is now...this poor guy has been wanting any bit of attention that you give him. Not saying it's all 'your' fault...it's just that he is obviously not strong enough in the self esteem dept. to have walked away long ago..

So...the most kind thing to do is let him go completely...and take some time by yourself to heal...And have your own girlfriends, family to help you through the tougher times.

Even seeking out counseling to figure out how you got into your last relationship and build up your own self esteem so it never happens again.

Then...when you are whole, healthy, and happy on your own with your work, family, friends, volunteer time, and alone time (without feeling lonely)...you will be in a wonderful emotional place to find someone else who is whole, healthy and happy...

Good luck..
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #13  January 14,2012, 3:35pm
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Ingytravel wrote :
A true and healthy friendship between a man and woman can ONLY happen when neither of them have romantic feelings towards each other...
I agree with this 100%. I think that if you don't pursue something romantic with him that a friendship is likely not going to be possible either no matter what. I would be clear that you are not interested in him romantically and don't think that this relationship would work.

You need to get yourself in a place where you won't fall prey to the same mistakes you did in the last relationship. The fact that you don't see that you need to walk away from this new relationship says to me you're still in a place where you could get sucked into another abusive relationship. While I don't think you are necessarily to blame for what happened to you I do think that you may have played a role by enabling the behavior and it sounds like you are starting to do so again.
 
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