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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #1  January 13,2012, 12:00am
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I had a few things I planned to do this afternoon. Then my girlfriend fell sick, and I had this irresistable urge to rush over and do whatever I could to make her comfortable. Apparently I've caught something particularly bad called "feelings". It also seems to be clouding my evaluation of this relationship, which has gone from "maybe stay / maybe go" to "stay" without any particular logical reason for the sudden change.

Do you base your decisions on logic or feelings? If logic, how do you prevent feelings from clouding your judgement?
 
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Goodvibrations is offline Goodvibrations Post #2  January 13,2012, 12:25am
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Emotions are fleeting. I enjoy the good while they last. If I experience negative emotions, maybe some logic is in order to find the source. I'm glad to hear that you feel closer to your girlfriend because of this experience.
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #3  January 13,2012, 12:39am
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Sometimes, the L-word is what makes us do seemingly irrational things and sometimes if the sex is really good but other aspects of the relationship are not, a similar thing occurs.

I've always tried to lead with my head, but my heart and/or hormones used to always screw that up. As I've aged, it seems that my decisions are based on a blend of heart and head. Here's where knowing your deal breakers are actually deal breakers comes in handy.

If I had difficulty making a decision about someone, I'd actually resort to making a list of what's great about the relationship and what I liked about the other person, and what's not great and what I didn't like. Then, I'd prioritize the what's not great column from most important to least important to help me get a handle on if there was a buried deal breaker that I had subconsciously or deliberately ignored. The last thing I did is remove the person in question by asking myself were it anyone other than the person in question, would I have needed to write the lists in the first place or would I have automatically excluded him? Trying this might help to clear your head.

If I remember, a few days ago you were considering shutting down your current relationship because she didn't seem to engage in many meaningful activities outside the bedroom. At the cabin, you wanted to go out and explore, and she wanted to survey your body. Not everyone took you seriously when you brought it up as an issue. Is there a different issue, or does it come back to that original one?

I guess I also should ask: did you follow through on your feelings and did you rush over to help make her comfortable? And, if you didn't, what stopped you? It's flattering that a person wants you all the time, but it can lead to wondering if that's the entire depth of the relationship or if she feels that's the only way to convey her deeper feelings. Great sex can encourage us to ignore those yellow flags, so it's good you give pause to try and figure it out.
 
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alethea is offline alethea Post #4  January 13,2012, 12:41am
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shapeShifter79 wrote :
Do you base your decisions on logic or feelings? If logic, how do you prevent feelings from clouding your judgement?
You make your decisions on logic and you prevent feelings from clouding your judgment by being able to recognize what you are feeling and why.

For instance, my boyfriend recently asked me how I would feel if he retired anywhere from a year to ten years from now? I am in my late thirties and he is in his early forties.

I answered that I may be envious and wish that I could stay home with him but what am I going to do? Make him still work so I feel better? That idea is ridiculous and petty to me so I know I will be fine with him retiring.

My only caveat to it was that I did not want him to just latch on to me when I do get home from work since he has been alone all day. That I would not enjoy about it and I would have a hard time with that.

And it took me all of a few seconds to go through this in my mind and make my decision because I know myself very well. For others, it may take longer because they are not sure how they feel. And the key to making decisions based on logic, is understanding your feelings so you can identify them so they don't cloud your judgment. But you always make your decision on logic.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #5  January 13,2012, 1:07am
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Spending a lot of time together, especially intense experiences such as the rugged hiking thing you "tested" her with has inadvertently cause the bonding you are trying to avoid.

Remaining aloof and detached by keeping her in a "disposable" category doen't work as well as it purports to in "play the field don't get hurt" theory. Attachment, which happened with your "testing" her is neither feelings nor logic...just too much intense time together.
shapeShifter79 wrote :
It also seems to be clouding my evaluation of this relationship, which has gone from "maybe stay / maybe go" to "stay" without any particular logical reason for the sudden change.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #6  January 13,2012, 10:37am
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GoodVibrations wrote :
I'm glad to hear that you feel closer to your girlfriend
I'm not sure I view clouded judgement and attachment as a positive.

Wiseman2 wrote :
Spending a lot of time together, especially intense experiences such as the rugged hiking thing you "tested" her with has inadvertently cause the bonding you are trying to avoid.
You're right! That hike is precisely the event where I transitioned from "We may not be compatible enough" to "It'll all be fine!" The adrenaline, the risks, garr... those are the same things they use to create bonds at military basic training or in corporate obstacle course retreats.

alathea wrote :
recognize what you are feeling and why.
Excellent. So we have a handle on that now.

Tink wrote :
I guess I also should ask: did you follow through on your feelings and did you rush over to help make her comfortable?
Yes, I spent my evening helping my sweetie feel better! And she did seem at least much happier.

wrote :
If I had difficulty making a decision about someone, I'd actually resort to making a list of what's great about the relationship and what I liked about the other person, and what's not great and what I didn't like. Then, I'd prioritize the what's not great column from most important to least important to help me get a handle on if there was a buried deal breaker that I had subconsciously or deliberately ignored. The last thing I did is remove the person in question by asking myself were it anyone other than the person in question, would I have needed to write the lists in the first place or would I have automatically excluded him? Trying this might help to clear your head.
Great advice! So I will imagine Tink instead of my girlfriend. Ooh! Then I'll apply that public speaking technique where they tell you to imagine that your audience isn't wearing.. oops! That's not helping me focus. I guess I'll just go with making good lists.
Last edited by shapeShifter79; January 13,2012 at 10:47am.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #7  January 13,2012, 10:59am
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shapeShifter79 wrote :
I had a few things I planned to do this afternoon. Then my girlfriend fell sick, and I had this irresistable urge to rush over and do whatever I could to make her comfortable. Apparently I've caught something particularly bad called "feelings". It also seems to be clouding my evaluation of this relationship, which has gone from "maybe stay / maybe go" to "stay" without any particular logical reason for the sudden change.

Do you base your decisions on logic or feelings? If logic, how do you prevent feelings from clouding your judgement?
But I thought the whole 'exclusive', then the 'boyfriend/girlfriend' exchange on the 5th date meant you didn't have the 'should I stay or go' mentality...

So does she know that when you discussed being bf/gf on the 5th date that you still weren't sure about whether you really want to keep dating her? I thought that was the whole point of your explanation that of talking about being exclusive which happened first....was so different from the next stage...

If so...what do you call this 'stage'?
 
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tink333 is offline tink333 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #8  January 13,2012, 10:59am
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shapeShifter79 wrote :
Great advice! So I will imagine Tink instead of my girlfriend. Ooh! Then I'll apply that public speaking technique where they tell you to imagine that your audience isn't wearing.. oops! That's not helping me focus. I guess I'll just go with making good lists.
LOL on the bolded part , but glad the advice was helpful.
 
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blakehoo is offline blakehoo Post #9  January 13,2012, 11:13am
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Ingytravel wrote :
But I thought the whole 'exclusive', then the 'boyfriend/girlfriend' exchange on the 5th date meant you didn't have the 'should I stay or go' mentality...

So does she know that when you discussed being bf/gf on the 5th date that you still weren't sure about whether you really want to keep dating her? I thought that was the whole point of your explanation that of talking about being exclusive which happened first....was so different from the next stage...

If so...what do you call this 'stage'?
Incubation!
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #10  January 13,2012, 11:19am
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Ingytravel wrote :
But I thought the whole 'exclusive', then the 'boyfriend/girlfriend' exchange on the 5th date meant you didn't have the 'should I stay or go' mentality...
This thought of yours, was not based, as far as I can tell, on any statement of mine. "Am I better off in or out of this relationship?" is a fair question for any stage of any relationship, in my estimation. Over time, you ask it less often.

wrote :
If so...what do you call this 'stage'?
We're not engaged, if that's what you mean. I don't see the naming of things as having much bearing on this matter.
Last edited by shapeShifter79; January 13,2012 at 11:26am.
 
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