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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #11  January 13,2012, 11:28am
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shapeShifter79 wrote :
This thought of yours, was not based, as far as I can tell, on any statement of mine. "Am I better off in or out of this relationship?" is a fair question for any stage of any relationship, in my estimation. Q - "The trial never ends.."


We're not engaged, if that's what you mean. I don't see the naming of things as having much bearing on this matter.
If you really think I'm the only one on the boards that is scratching their head on the way you keep having to clarify, obsess, worry, and 'stage' each moment of just the last few weeks of dating this woman....then you aren't reading the posts...LOL...

Seriously...you had these two 'stages' within 5 dates...and seem to have one foot out the door all the time...

And no...in every long term relationship I have had...The only time I have really looked at things like this are about the 3 month, then 6 month, then year mark....

Every other day you have some post about some type of 'test' or marker she has to pass or you are wondering about...

How about working on the thing that will be the largest issue you will have if you stay together...which is the sex issue...How you want it less than she does...Did you discuss this yet?
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #12  January 13,2012, 11:47am
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Ingytravel wrote :
If you really think I'm the only one on the boards that is scratching their head on the way you keep having to clarify, obsess, worry, and 'stage' each moment of just the last few weeks of dating this woman....then you aren't reading the posts...LOL... Seriously...you had these two 'stages' within 5 dates...
Ingy, in practice the exclusivity talk took all of five minutes and the girlfriend/boyfriend talk all of ten minutes. We don't all date the same way you do, and that's okay. It's funny you use the word 'obsess', when you are the one who keep bringing up this distinction that occured way back between dates three and five in my threads, when it has little to do with the topic at hand.

wrote :
And no...in every long term relationship I have had...The only time I have really looked at things like this are about the 3 month, then 6 month, then year mark....
You've gone through a divorce, yes? Unless you two were married for less than a year, one of you asked these questions at another point.
Last edited by shapeShifter79; January 13,2012 at 11:49am.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #13  January 13,2012, 11:52am
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shapeShifter79 wrote :
Ingy, in practice the exclusivity talk took all of five minutes and the girlfriend/boyfriend talk all of ten minutes. We don't all date the same way you do, and that's okay. It's funny you use the word 'obsess', when you are the one who keep bringing up this distinction that occured way back between dates three and five in my threads, when it has little to do with the topic at hand.
As I said...If you really think I'm the only one thinking this way....ok...

And the word 'obsess' is about the last few weeks of posts since you met this woman...They are all about stages, tests, having one foot out the door...It's like you are questioning every single thing along the way...

It seems like so much 'work' for a relationship...Where is that actual fun?

And as I said...you can ignore it all you want...but the biggest deal breaker will be the sex issue between you two...and if you keep avoiding talking to her about it...then that's not a good sign...As I stated...the person who has to compromise by having 'less' sex...is usually not the happy one...

*And btw...any posts you don't care for of mine..feel free to skip over and not respond to
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #14  January 13,2012, 11:58am
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Ingytravel wrote :
It seems like so much 'work' for a relationship...Where is that actual fun?
Perhaps I psychoanalyze too much. I just want to be as certain as I can that I'm picking the right woman this time around.

The fun is on the dates. The worrying comes afterwards.
Last edited by shapeShifter79; January 13,2012 at 12:01pm.
 
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eharmonyjc is offline eharmonyjc Post #15  January 13,2012, 12:19pm
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I think one thing to remember here is we only get to hear about certain aspects of SS's dating life. As a fellow worrier, I get where he's coming from. While I'm in the moment with the person I don't worry but then when I get home and I'm sitting there alone, my mind starts running 100 miles an hour thinking about "what about this, what about that". I may not ever do anything with these thoughts but sometimes it's good to write them down, which I think is what SS (and many others here I suspect) is doing when he posts here. I know in the times where I've posted something here I try to read and give each post with feedback and advice some thought. Sometimes it changes my own thoughts, sometimes it doesn't. But it does help to get the feedback and advice, even if I don't choose to take it.

I would hate for someone to take some of my posts I've made and turn them around on me over and over though.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #16  January 13,2012, 12:21pm
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shapeShifter79 wrote :
"Am I better off in or out of this relationship?" is a fair question for any stage of any relationship, in my estimation. Over time, you ask it less often.
Yes, but when the answer isn't "For right now, yes", then all you're doing is just keeping one eye out for the next (better) opportunity.

Part of deciding to date someone exclusively, to consider them your "significant other", is to stop questioning for a period whether you are better off in or out of the relationship. To get to that point, you've decided that for right now, you are indeed better off in the relationship - at least until something changes. And, if your girlfriend feeling a bit under the weather is a significant enough change for you to question that again... well, it just doesn't sound to me that you're all that "in" after all.

Ingytravel wrote :
Seriously...you had these two 'stages' within 5 dates...and seem to have one foot out the door all the time...
^^^ This.

shapeShifter79 wrote :
I just want to be as certain as I can that I'm picking the right woman this time around.
SS, have you thought about just enjoying it for what it is right now, and not worrying so much about whether you'll still be together next month or next year or 50 years from now? I mean, this is all still new, right? Sure, I think it's important to know what you want in the long term, and if you do, it's pretty easy to see when someone cannot offer you what you are looking for. But, to expect to know this early in the game that someone CAN offer you what you are looking for... well, I think you're worried that you can't "waste time" with this woman on the chance that she's the wrong woman. So you're looking for all sorts of clues to how she probably isn't the right woman. Kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy, it seems to me.
 
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eharmonyjc is offline eharmonyjc Post #17  January 13,2012, 12:39pm
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Lately I have been letting logic overtake my decisions. I'm actually working on letting my feelings decide a few more things for me, in all aspects of life, not just relationships. I have made some poor decisions in the past due to deciding based on my emotions/feelings, so now I seem to have swung in the opposite direction, and decide everything based on logic. I would like to find a happy medium because I don't think the extreme in either direction is good.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #18  January 13,2012, 5:07pm
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shapeShifter79 wrote :
Do you base your decisions on logic or feelings? If logic, how do you prevent feelings from clouding your judgement?

A decision, by definition, is based on logic.

A reaction is based on feelings.

***
I have yet to master fully protecting my judgement from clouding, but I compensate by controlling my actions.
 
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