Can a budding relationship survive THIS?


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Holiday_HH is offline Holiday_HH Post #1  January 12,2012, 9:15am
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A friend of mine is also on EH - she was telling me about the most recent set of dates she went on. She's seen this match three or four times (I think this was their fourth date). But, because of the holidays (they both went away), this was her first date with him since December. Her father (who has been ill for some time) passed away the second week of December. She has not seen the guy since that happend; they exchanged e-mails but she said she didn't put this info in her e-mails/texts because she felt it was too personal to share with someone that she'd only been on three dates with. Anyways, long story short, they were at dinner and he made some sort of comment about his parents and she completely broke down, crying at the table. She said she regained control quickly and explained the situation. She said the date ended well enough (she says he was (rightly) a little freaked out). She's betting she won't hear from this particular guy again. I'm not so sure...

How would you handle this situation? Would that be it for you? Just curious what the general consensus is...
 
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eharmonyjc is offline eharmonyjc Post #2  January 12,2012, 9:21am
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It wouldn't scare me away, but that's only because I've been through a parent passing away. I think people who have been through it might be more understanding than someone who hasn't. I know people who haven't even gone through a grandparent or aunt or anyone passing away, so they usually don't have a clue about what it feels like. However, while I don't think it's wrong she's out dating, I did too, your friend is probably not in the right state of mind to be starting up a serious relationship with anybody right now.
 
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Holiday_HH is offline Holiday_HH Post #3  January 12,2012, 9:30am
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eharmonyjc wrote :
It wouldn't scare me away, but that's only because I've been through a parent passing away. I think people who have been through it might be more understanding than someone who hasn't. I know people who haven't even gone through a grandparent or aunt or anyone passing away, so they usually don't have a clue about what it feels like. However, while I don't think it's wrong she's out dating, I did too, your friend is probably not in the right state of mind to be starting up a serious relationship with anybody right now.
Maybe, but I think she'll be okay. Like I said, he's been sick for a long time so they've been preparing for this for quite a while. And while it's awful and a still a shock, and she's still emotional, I think she'll be fine.

Also - I agree that those that have been through it might be more understanding. I too have been through it - maybe that's why I don't think this was end?
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  January 12,2012, 9:34am
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I would think that most people would be understanding and sympathetic. If he were to run away, it would not be because of this, but because he was never that much into her in the first place. As for him being a little freaked out, most people don't really know what do to or how to handle someone who is experiencing such grief. Especially so, when it's someone they don't know too well. Should you hug them or should you look away and give them some privacy? It can be awkward and since she never mentioned it to him before, he got caught unaware and unprepared.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #5  January 12,2012, 10:02am
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This does not necessarily need to be the end though it could well be. How the guy handles this is going to be a clear indicator of his compassion and empathy.

I agree with eharmonyjc that your friend is not at the right mind to be dating or thinking new relationships right now. The death of someone close, a parent, is a very emotional thing, no matter how ill the person was or how expected the passing. It takes time to grieve.

My last thought is that her not mentioning that her father had passed away was a very bad move on her part. I ask my matches about their family in the very earliest part of Open Communication. If she has made no mention about her family, and in this case her father being ill, this would be a red flag to me. If family had come up in the earlier conversations and then she failed to mention that her father had passed away I would view that as trying to hide something or an inability to handle death.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #6  January 12,2012, 2:22pm
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Holiday_HH wrote :
A friend of mine is also on EH - she was telling me about the most recent set of dates she went on. She's seen this match three or four times (I think this was their fourth date). But, because of the holidays (they both went away), this was her first date with him since December. Her father (who has been ill for some time) passed away the second week of December. She has not seen the guy since that happend; they exchanged e-mails but she said she didn't put this info in her e-mails/texts because she felt it was too personal to share with someone that she'd only been on three dates with. Anyways, long story short, they were at dinner and he made some sort of comment about his parents and she completely broke down, crying at the table. She said she regained control quickly and explained the situation. She said the date ended well enough (she says he was (rightly) a little freaked out). She's betting she won't hear from this particular guy again. I'm not so sure...

How would you handle this situation? Would that be it for you? Just curious what the general consensus is...


I have been in these shoes before when I lost my mom suddenly almost 3 years ago.

Why does she think she wont hear from him? How did he react when she told him...did he show empathy or did he pull back?

Some make taken it personally to them if she did not share this with him. Ome example..he thought this was going to get serious...a keeper...and then he sees she doesnt share something like this with him he may read that to mean she isnt that interested in him.

Also did he ask about dates over the holidays and she said she couldnt but was vague? Had she told him my father just died so he likely would have been much more understanding and sympathetic toward her.

When my mom died I had a potential gf end because of this. She took it personally that I didnt want her around because of the akwardness of being around my siblings.
 
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i_remember is offline i_remember Post #7  January 12,2012, 2:51pm
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If this scares him away then he's a coward.

Life ends. Losing someone you love happens to most of us. I'd like to have more faith in humanity than to believe a man can't handle a woman crying over a deceased parent.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #8  January 12,2012, 2:57pm
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I do expect a person to maintain composure and a balanced, appropriate emotional state, considering the situation (and the situation in question is being on a date at a restaurant, not the fact of the death.)

Assuming it was somewhat brief, didn't make a scene, didn't disrupt the evening, and wasn't accompanied by any expectation placed on me, I see it as too minimal to end what could otherwise have been an agreeable developing relationship.

I also would not fault the person for not disclosing the illness beforehand.

I would advise this person to plan / propose a next meeting soon, though.
 
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RunLong is offline RunLong Post #9  January 12,2012, 9:53pm
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A couple summers ago I had to cancel a second date with someone I met on eH because my dad died suddenly. I had never cancelled on anyone before and had no idea what to say, didn't really want to get into things with practically a complete stranger. I just told her there was a death in my family, but that I really wanted to reschedule. Two weeks later we had the make-up date. I told her that it was my dad that had died and that things were kind of weird at the moment for me. She was very supportive, we had a really good time, although ultimately things didn't move beyond 4 or 5 dates.

What helped me was saying out loud on my terms what had happened instead of withholding it and possibly losing it. I don't think your friend had to say anything right away, but it sounds like she should have said something, in a way that she felt comfortable with so as to avoid a possibly embarrassing situation and so he at least had some inkling as to what was going on. I definitely think a new relationship can survive this, but she has to be ready for a relationship and has to be honest with herself if this is a good time or not.

In general an incident like this would not keep me from continuing to pursue a relationship. Good luck to your friend.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #10  January 12,2012, 11:14pm
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Holiday_HH wrote :
Anyways, long story short, they were at dinner and he made some sort of comment about his parents and she completely broke down, crying at the table. She said she regained control quickly and explained the situation. She said the date ended well enough (she says he was (rightly) a little freaked out). She's betting she won't hear from this particular guy again. I'm not so sure...

How would you handle this situation? Would that be it for you? Just curious what the general consensus is...
I don't get it. Why do you/her believe crying after the death of a parent would be a dealbreaker for most?

Would that be it? Nope.

How would I handle it? I suppose I'd offer my condolences and lend her an ear. Y'know, the usual you do in such cases.
 
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