Alli824 is offline Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #1  January 11,2012, 4:28pm
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I'll try to be succinct. A few days before New Years Eve I was matched with a guy that seemed to be a very good fit for me. We e mailed, talked on the phone, and immediately clicked. Very similar likes, dislikes and lifestyles. He asked what my plans were for New Years Eve, and I mentioned a friend with a home on the water was throwing a party. My match expressed interest in the party, and flirting back and forth I mentioned if he was closer he could be my date (he lives about 4 1/2 hrs. away.) The next day he contacted me asked if I was serious, and said he would love to accompany me, and would drive down, which he did. He made hotel reservations and asked me to make dinner reservations. We settled on Thai which we both enjoy.

Here is the issue. The day before he was to arrive he shared with me that he had broken up with his girlfriend of 4 years, two months ago and that's why he was on the site. He thought he was ready to embark on a relationship, but realizes he is not over her. Bonus points for honesty. My mindset - nice guy, good match, nothing is going to come of this - he needs time to heal. I am all about self preservation.

New Years Eve arrives. He's at his hotel. We meet in the lobby and he is just as he presented on the phone, and e mail - great personality and much better looking than his pics, if that's possible. A nice time is had by all. Dinner goes well. He's a hit at the party etc. We are just clicking along.

Since he's returned home he's been in constant communication with me. He leaves me a message each night or sends me an IM in addition to our other communication. He's brought up his ex several times in conversation and claims to be getting over her as each day goes by. I have attempted to treat this as a friendship... for obvious reasons, though honestly this guy is the total package and clearly likes me....but.... am I shooting myself in the foot by not giving this a chance?

I am continuing to explore with others because quite frankly I don't know where this going. I am hesitant to get involved with a man still licking his wounds. I just don't think the odds are good (and my understanding is that this has been a volatile relationship.) Am I being foolish placing him in the friend zone, or should I be clearly making my interest known? before someone else scoops him up.

Opinions? Thoughts?
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  January 11,2012, 4:36pm
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My view of any lingering feelings (good or bad) toward an ex, is that they will dissapate in time.

Thus, in the vast majority of cases at least, this problem will fix itself even without any effort. Add to that a new partner, and new feelings to shove out the old, and I think that just makes it happen faster.

Personally, I would not turn down an objectively good partner for this.
 
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Work_in_Progress is offline Work_in_Progress Post #3  January 11,2012, 4:40pm
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Well I sure don't envy you ... Wow, this is a tough one. I want to say, because it's what I want to believe :-), that I would be all about self-preservation, too, and keep him in the friend zone if I could, or back away altogether if I feared I couldn't.

As far as making your interest known... I'm not sure without knowing him. Since he likes you and is now making a point of saying he's getting over her more each day after just saying he's not over her, I would be wary that even if he sincerely likes you, he's not really ready and you will become his rebound relationship.

I wish I had a better answer for you, but all I have is sincerely offered best wishes.
 
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jme21 is offline jme21 Post #4  January 11,2012, 4:41pm
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Well if he did indeed break up with her and not the other way around then he has that going for him. Unless a relationship is a complete train wreck there's going to be things that people miss about their ex, especially after spending significant amounts of time with them. That doesn't mean that they aren't ready to let someone new and better into their lives with the best of intentions. If he CLEARLY likes you then I'm not sure what the problem is, but I'd be on the look out for any hot/cold stuff, but it seems like he's being pretty consistent which is a good sign. If you withdraw yourself too much and show any signs of "friend zoning" him then you risk losing out on someone that could legitimately be ready to move onto a new relationship.... not everyone is wired the same as far as being hung up on someone else.
 
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Lucid is offline Lucid Post #5  January 11,2012, 5:07pm
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He sounds like I once was.. Theres alot of old memories that are still among him and hanging in steady reminder. What it actually took for me to get over my ex-wife was to firstly, get over her. The memories still lingered and thats kind of expected. What it took for myself was to over write all these old memories with new ones from new relationships. There are only 3 things left in my life that I have not over written. Our marrage, the child who called me daddy for the better part of 2 years and our honeymoon.

Your man may be suffering from the same thing I once was, all I did was take the nessessary baby steps to proceed into new relationships.

IMHO Alli824, don't friend zone him, get closer to him cautiously. You're not there to heal him, you're there to show him it's ok to feel again. I have a good feeling that he'll come around, after all, time does heal all wounds.

If you really believe that opportunities have a shelf life, do you really want to let this one go to waste?
Last edited by Lucid; January 11,2012 at 5:10pm.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #6  January 11,2012, 5:09pm
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If he's in the same league as other men you're dating who don't have this issue, why bother? If he's "out-of-your-league", I would be especially careful, as when someone's looking for a rebound they often temporarily lower their standards.
 
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Alli824 is offline Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #7  January 11,2012, 5:11pm
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D_Lion wrote :
My view of any lingering feelings (good or bad) toward an ex, is that they will dissapate in time.

Thus, in the vast majority of cases at least, this problem will fix itself even without any effort. Add to that a new partner, and new feelings to shove out the old, and I think that just makes it happen faster.

Personally, I would not turn down an objectively good partner for this.
Thanks for the input. What you say makes sense. I guess I was looking at this from the point of self preservation. I hate to invest only to hear 4 months later, "I'm still in love with my ex."
 
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livinagin is offline livinagin Post #8  January 11,2012, 5:15pm
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Cautious optimism. Four years is a long time. I think before it gets too far along you should probably investigate what brought the relationship to an end.

And . . . see if you can't verify some of his background. The only reason I say this is because people are not always what they seem (wysiwig). Make sure you ask questions you KNOW the answer to.

Good luck! Hope this works!
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #9  January 11,2012, 5:15pm
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The clock for a relationship ending to be ready to date again depends on many factors. Some of these are relationship length, how serious it was, how did the breakup happen, why it happened, and was he the foer of it or the receiver, was it expected? was it heated? emotional?

If they slowly drifted apart ite easier to overcome than someone blindsiding you out of the blue when you thought things were great.
 
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Alli824 is offline Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #10  January 11,2012, 5:16pm
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Work_in_Progress wrote :
Well I sure don't envy you ... Wow, this is a tough one. I want to say, because it's what I want to believe :-), that I would be all about self-preservation, too, and keep him in the friend zone if I could, or back away altogether if I feared I couldn't.

As far as making your interest known... I'm not sure without knowing him. Since he likes you and is now making a point of saying he's getting over her more each day after just saying he's not over her, I would be wary that even if he sincerely likes you, he's not really ready and you will become his rebound relationship.

.
These are exactly my sentiments. I have seen this scenario played out a time or two and then the party returns to their ex. Painful for the new person brought into the mix.
 
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