HELP! I'm having doubts...


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alithia is offline alithia Post #1  January 10,2012, 10:08am
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I'm the girl who gets closed... or doesn't get answered. So when someone answers, goes through the process AND wants to meet, I generally take them up on it. So in 9 months I have met maybe 5 people.

One of them, I really like. He's what I would consider a perfect match for me... with one flaw. He's not a communicator. In fact, after we got through the process and had some great chats online, he disappeared for about 2 weeks (thanksgivingish). During which time, I had given him up for "one of those guys", mourned the loss and moved on (and closed him on eH). He got back in contact and we met, had a GREAT date and talked every night for about a week. I should say chatted because I still don't have his phone number. Then he disappeared for another 3 weeks. Same scenario, he got in contact, we got together again, had a GREAT date and have been in touch ever since on a semi-daily... at least every 3-4 day basis. A couple of dates... no phone numbers... chats online... real affection and great conversation when we are together but...

HERE IS THE PROBLEM.... i think that when two people connect, they want to be in touch on a daily or at least on an every-other-day basis. Text "good morning"... call "how was your day"... email "you're not going to believe what just happened"... and I'm not saying all this all day... I am saying, let me know you are thinking about me. So I sometimes feel badly when I send him an email about some random thing that happened or a link that made me think of him and he doesn't usually respond.

NOW... extenuating circumstances... first and foremost, he is of another culture (which is one of the things that attracts me to him). He grew up in a vastly different way than most Americans. Moved here for school and stayed. Second, he is building a business and travels during the week to NYC or NJ. Sometimes on a day's notice depending on the client. Finally, he is active on eH. I go into every meeting assuming that these men are meeting/dating other women.

So... is he "just not that into me" or am I following the rules a little too closely? I'm clueless...
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #2  January 10,2012, 10:39am
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It sounds like he is in another relationship or dating a few other women.

That he is on / off for weeks at a time, there have been only two dates and that he will only chat online, rather than phone are not "cultural" issues.

He may enjoy chatting online now and then, seeing you now and then......but not think of this as a "relationship"...the way you seem to frame it....... He is most likely in another relationship..... or dating /pursuing other matches...as you should be...Good Luck...
alithia wrote :
In fact, after we got through the process and had some great chats online,

he disappeared for about 2 weeks

He got back in contact and we met, had a GREAT date and chatted because I still don't have his phone number.

Then he disappeared for another 3 weeks.

Same scenario, he got in contact, we got together again, had a GREAT date and have been in touch ever since on a semi-daily... at least every 3-4 day basis.

A couple of dates... no phone numbers... chats online... real affection and great conversation when we are together but...


Finally, he is active on eH.
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #3  January 10,2012, 10:48am
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I don't know that I would expect conversation every day so early on, but I do agree that the current time frame doesn't suggest a high level of interest. Generally when people find something they value they want to do everything in their power to make sure they have a shot at it. I think most men, even if they are from another culture, are aware that if they wait around like he is doing that there is a good chance he might lose you to someone else.

That said, I think in the future I'd recommend exchanging #'s when you're setting up that initial date. That way after the first date you have a way of contacting them so you're not always relying on them to make every move. I'm definitely not the most old fashioned of girls, but I have no problem texting a guy after a first date to let him know I've had a good time and using the phone to take initiative to schedule a subsequent date on my own.
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #4  January 10,2012, 11:08am
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This guy is either in another relationship and casually dating others or is simply casually dating.

I find the no exchange of phone numbers odd, and not in a cultural difference sort of way.

I recommend dating others, as well. If you like him, continue seeing him. There's no way, personally, I would have a sexual relationship w/ this guy (unless you're okay w/ very casual sex). And I'd put very little stock in ever having a 'relationship' w/ him. But if you enjoy his company and can keep your emotions in check, nothing wrong w/ continuing to see him.
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #5  January 10,2012, 11:55am
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if he keeps disappearing for weeks that suggests to me that he isn't into you but will come back to you as a backup plan.

either he's in a relationship or he's at least dating/seeing others.

especially as you don't have his phone number. that's one thing I'd never accept - I don't meet people who don't give me a phone number first.
 
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dmi is offline dmi Post #6  January 10,2012, 1:04pm
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You gave him your phone number and he didn't give you his??
 
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alithia is offline alithia Post #7  January 10,2012, 1:21pm
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no, I suggested we exchange phone numbers in case something happened (at our first meeting)... it was a few days away and he said we'd talk before then to exchange information but we somehow never did. I didn't ask again because we communicate on our phones with gtalk.
 
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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #8  January 10,2012, 1:45pm
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Do you still not have his phone number? If not, why?
Did you ask him what he does when he disappears for weeks at a time?
My guess is he is in another relationship... not just dating but a full-blown relationship. But even if he is not, he still is very likely not right for you because his ways and methods of communicating aren't in sync with yours.

Don't get discouraged beause you haven't had much luck on EH and feel you have to put up with this little bit of nothing...you don't. Try other methods of meeting people too, but don't settle for this.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  January 10,2012, 2:13pm
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This guy's behavior is screaming married to me.

If I were you I would just move on to someone who is actually interested in treating you properly and is interested in seeing and talking with you on a regular basis. You are just wasting your time with this guy.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #10  January 10,2012, 3:20pm
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alithia wrote :
One of them, I really like. He's what I would consider a perfect match for me... with one flaw. He's not a communicator. In fact, after we got through the process and had some great chats online, he disappeared for about 2 weeks (thanksgivingish). During which time, I had given him up for "one of those guys", mourned the loss and moved on (and closed him on eH). He got back in contact and we met, had a GREAT date and talked every night for about a week. I should say chatted because I still don't have his phone number. Then he disappeared for another 3 weeks. Same scenario, he got in contact, we got together again, had a GREAT date and have been in touch ever since on a semi-daily... at least every 3-4 day basis. A couple of dates... no phone numbers... chats online... real affection and great conversation when we are together but...

In a case like this, I suggest forthrightly telling your partner that you expect to be informed if they are unavailable for an unusual period of time (unusual meaning materially different than the recent past.)

In my view, I would not expect a right to have any say in their availability (at this early stage), but I do expect to have enough information that I am not left wondering - that's just civility.


HERE IS THE PROBLEM.... i think that when two people connect, they want to be in touch on a daily or at least on an every-other-day basis. Text "good morning"... call "how was your day"... email "you're not going to believe what just happened"... and I'm not saying all this all day... I am saying, let me know you are thinking about me. So I sometimes feel badly when I send him an email about some random thing that happened or a link that made me think of him and he doesn't usually respond.

You can want that all you want, but you would not get it from me.

I don't do any of those things, and I very rarely reply to them. I don't have time, and it's boring. I talk to my partner in person.

For sure it is fine to ask (and lead by example), but I'm not alone in thinking you'd be too needy for me.


NOW... extenuating circumstances... first and foremost, he is of another culture (which is one of the things that attracts me to him). He grew up in a vastly different way than most Americans. Moved here for school and stayed. Second, he is building a business and travels during the week to NYC or NJ. Sometimes on a day's notice depending on the client. Finally, he is active on eH. I go into every meeting assuming that these men are meeting/dating other women.

I don't know what his culture has to do with anything. Busy or important jobs sure make dumb text messages even more pointless than they are.

Unfortunately, if he is continuing to actively use a dating site, it means he is not sold on you (some of that could be reasons you can choose to fix, while others are likely to need more work than you can manage.)
 
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