How to break you live with your parents and not get closed


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PG-13 is offline PG-13 Post #1  January 9,2012, 12:10am
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Okay,

So this is a more general issue I've had (then the facebook silliness) I ended a super long term relationship last year (we had lived together for 6 years and dated for 7.5) bounced around to some friend's houses and moved in back with my parents due to being broke in August (so I've been with the parents for 5 months). This has been a near instant close for a couple of promising matches.

Is this something you try and hide for as long as possible or just toss it out there? Its obviously nowhere near any GC, but at the OC stage its come out a few times.

In a perfect world, I'd love to have a match that I could move in with easily (basically someone who isnt living with their parents or in a studio/tiny apartment), but thats obviously not something realistic that I rule people out because of. It also took a year and a half to move in together w'my ex, so I know it takes time. So I probably shouldn't even consider that when it comes to looking over matches... still...
 
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Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline Oregon_Coast_Guy Post #2  January 9,2012, 6:17am
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Or, you could get your own place BEFORE you start to date again.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #3  January 9,2012, 6:26am
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PG-13 wrote :
Okay,

So this is a more general issue I've had (then the facebook silliness) I ended a super long term relationship last year (we had lived together for 6 years and dated for 7.5) bounced around to some friend's houses and moved in back with my parents due to being broke in August (so I've been with the parents for 5 months). This has been a near instant close for a couple of promising matches.

Is this something you try and hide for as long as possible or just toss it out there? Its obviously nowhere near any GC, but at the OC stage its come out a few times.

In a perfect world, I'd love to have a match that I could move in with easily (basically someone who isnt living with their parents or in a studio/tiny apartment), but thats obviously not something realistic that I rule people out because of. It also took a year and a half to move in together w'my ex, so I know it takes time. So I probably shouldn't even consider that when it comes to looking over matches... still...
Maybe it's my age showing, but living with someone for 6 years is not a "super long-term" relationship. Thirty years - that's a long time.

So, you want to go from your GF's house to your parents' house to another GF's house. Because you're broke. Your biggest concern is that it took a year and a half to dupe your ex into letting you live with her and you need someone new to accept your mooching lifestyle until you're able to talk her into being such a fool.

And sadly, there are those out there.

You wonder why grown-up women are closing you - and you're asking us for advice on whether or not hiding this is more likely to get you lucky (when it comes to a place to live, at least...you say absolutely nothing about desiring an actual relationship or what you bring to the table).

Honestly, you don't sound mature enough to ride your bike to the store by yourself, much less maintain a relationship.
Last edited by littlebluemonkeymind; January 9,2012 at 6:29am.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #4  January 9,2012, 6:38am
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littlebluemonkeymind wrote :
Maybe it's my age showing, but living with someone for 6 years is not a "super long-term" relationship. Thirty years - that's a long time.
I always viewed a LTR as being a life time. But the OP is only 29 so 7.5 years (they dated for 1.5 years before they lived together) is pretty much his entire adult life.

So, you want to go from your GF's house to your parents' house to another GF's house. Because you're broke. Your biggest concern is that it took a year and a half to dupe your ex into letting you live with her and you need someone new to accept your mooching lifestyle until you're able to talk her into being such a fool.

And sadly, there are those out there.

You wonder why grown-up women are closing you - and you're asking us for advice on whether or not hiding this is more likely to get you lucky (when it comes to a place to live, at least...you say absolutely nothing about desiring an actual relationship or what you bring to the table).

Honestly, you don't sound mature enough to ride your bike to the store by yourself, much less maintain a relationship.
Ooh, a wee bit harsh But my thoughts exactly.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #5  January 9,2012, 6:58am
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This exactly:
Oregon_Coast_Guy wrote :
Or, you could get your own place BEFORE you start to date again.
Sorry to tell you this, but this is using someone in a con artist manner. You are trying to worm your way into a woman's home by romancing her? Wow...bad news.
PG-13 wrote :
In a perfect world, I'd love to have a match that I could move in with easily basically someone who isnt living with their parents or in a studio/tiny apartment
 
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Lori003 is offline Lori003 Post #6  January 9,2012, 7:06am
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Wow. I am practically speechless. Get your life together before you seek a relationship because at this point you have nothing to offer her other than the fact you want someplace to live. Not sure what you are really looking for but a relationship is not it.
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #7  January 9,2012, 7:12am
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I don't think that living with your parents has to be an automatic close, but I think the reasons make a huge difference and unfortunately, the reasons are not working in your favor. I'm a 28-year-old woman (so reasonably in your target market) and while I wouldn't be crazy about a guy living at home with his parents I'd be more willing to accept it if:

a) It was for reasons that didn't suggest a lack of responsibility (i.e. living at home to save money for a condo or while going to grad school
b) Would be short term
c)There were clear steps being taken towards living on one's own

Unfortunately, I don't get any of the above from your story so it would probably be a no go for me. As others have commented on, it feels like you're relying on others for your housing situation rather than solving it on your own. It would personally worry me if a match saw a future girlfriend as his ticket out from living with his parents. I work hard and consciously manage my money so I can afford to live on my own and would want a match that is doing the same. I don't think ending a relationship will go over well as an excuse. Many people break up from partners they are living with and go on to have their own place. An inability to do so in a reasonable amount of time is going to make you look fiscally irresponsible in the eyes of a match.

The bottom line is, if you want to keep dating while you're living with your parents, you need to find a way to spin the story so it doesn't come across so negative and to be making active steps toward finding your own place, not trying to move in with your next girlfriend. I know you've talked before about "quality of matches" and I don't think the kind of woman who will be okay with the scenario you describe above is ultimately who you would probably most want to date. Given that depending on your area I would venture to guess that most men your matches are meeting are living on their own (and possibly own their own place) you're going to need a lot of other positive qualities to offset this.
 
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boomer_gal is online now boomer_gal Post #8  January 9,2012, 7:12am
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PG-13 wrote :
In a perfect world, I'd love to have a match that I could move in with easily (basically someone who isnt living with their parents or in a studio/tiny apartment)
If I were in your demographic & were matched with you, living w/ your parents would be a negative, but not a deal breaker. Learning that your goal was to move in with me? THAT would be the deal breaker. I do understand, of course, that you would not be announcing this fact, but were I to find out early on it would be an automatic *next* & if I learned this after the fact I would feel majorly used. Whether I dumped you at that point would depend on a lot of other issues.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #9  January 9,2012, 7:13am
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PG-13 wrote :
In a perfect world, I'd love to have a match that I could move in with easily ....
Well, in dating, women are looking for the perfect world too. And living with your parents at your age rules you out. Like OCG said, get your own place first.
 
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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #10  January 9,2012, 7:20am
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PG-13 wrote :

In a perfect world, I'd love to have a match that I could move in with easily (basically someone who isnt living with their parents or in a studio/tiny apartment), but thats obviously not something realistic that I rule people out because of. It also took a year and a half to move in together w'my ex, so I know it takes time. So I probably shouldn't even consider that when it comes to looking over matches... still...
So are you not planning to move out of your parents home until you can move in to a girlfriend's home? Why wouldn't you just save up to live on your own?

Keep in mind that not everyone is going to want to live with a boyfriend before getting engaged/married (especially if they've done it before and things didn't work out) so you've really got to have another plan in place.
 
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