How to break you live with your parents and not get closed


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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #21  January 9,2012, 11:00am
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To be clear although it is not displayed in the profile, eHarmony does have salary as a setting though the groupings are pretty broad in comparison to match (i.e. $60,000 to $125,000 are lumped together in a single group) and it is unclear how the importance rating works on this (i.e. if I put very important will I only be served matches in my same bucket).

I also agree that I don't think, on the whole, living with another person your entire life is an immediate deal breaker. I have lived alone since college but have certainly dated people with roommates. That said, I would prefer someone who lives alone. It makes dates at home easier and generally shows a kind of independence and responsibility I appreciate.
 
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eharmonyjc is offline eharmonyjc Post #22  January 9,2012, 11:01am
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To me never living alone shows you never had to be fully responsible for yourself. Your other post about wanting to find a woman you could move in with shows that. I am also a firm believer in never living with someone unless you can take care of yourself WITHOUT the partners income. Because otherwise, you end up in situations just like yours, having to sleep on friends couches or move back in with your parents.
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #23  January 9,2012, 11:03am
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I'll also add that just because income isn't overtly listed you still have the job function category and my guess is that those who are fixed on their partner's earning potential can still use that to next people they assume would not be financially well off.
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #24  January 9,2012, 11:14am
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PG-13 wrote :
A few questions....

Why are you in a minimum wage job at 29? What plans do you have to move forward?

How much did you financially contribute during the 6 years while you lived with this other woman? As in...were you paying your half of rent, utilities, food, entertainment, etc?

It sounds like you are someone just floating through life without any type of goals both professionally or personally....
I keep losing chunks of my posts... annoying...

Why am I in a minimum wage job? I've worked for 5 different companies (3 restaurants, 1 national retail chain, 1 sales) that have gone bankrupt within the last 6 years and I've been laid off from each. The job I liked the most was a seasonal job with a hourly cap that didn't seem interested in hiring me on as a fulltime position and after being passed up 3 times in 4 years, I moved on from that. I've collected unemployment for 1-3 months a couple different times.

She had a really nice professional job so I didn't really want to move from where I was - at least I didn't have any jobs that required moving that would be an improvement on the situation we were in.

How much did I contribute? Well, I paid literally everything I could, but it generally closer to 30-35% (40 at some high points) then half. I always think about people who "mooch" as ones who are living the high life at someone elses expense - considering the sorry state of my bank account almost that whole relationship, if you are broke yourself, i find it hard to call that a mooch. I also ended up in some credit card debt, but that's been paid off. I'm not planning on adding credit card debt free to my profile though.

I do appreciate that EHarm doesn't have "salary levels" like Match does and people aren't matched based on salary. So that may have played a part of why I signed up (also one of my bfs from college met his wife on EHarm).

I honestly don't see why never living alone is a problem. I know of a bunch of my college friends who have either lived with roommates, girlfriends, or fiancees/wives... It just makes more financial sense to share bills/rent if you have people you are compatible living with. I agree with the above thought that my parents are preferable to some random craigs list people.

Although if I get a better salary but not enough for my own apartment, I've thought about looking for someone who's renting my room. To me, itd be the same thing, but the social stigma of living with your parents wouldnt be there at least.
Most people are going to wonder why at the age of almost 30, living with someone for the last 6 years and only paying up to 35% of your share, never having been married, never having any children...how you don't have a good amount of savings...

I can't imagine what you were spending your money on all those years....

Did you all go on vacations? Do you have a new car? Eat out a lot?

My point...is many women near your age are starting to look for responsible and financially more set men with whom they want to marry and start a family.

They will have the same type of questions...

You can try to explain it all you want that you think this is the 'better' choice to live with parents and girlfriends....

But many will see a guy who hasn't ever been able to even support just himself, on his own, so how would he be in a marriage/with children?
 
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Special-K is offline Special-K Post #25  January 9,2012, 11:23am
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PG-13 wrote :
Snip

Why am I in a minimum wage job? I've worked for 5 different companies (3 restaurants, 1 national retail chain, 1 sales) that have gone bankrupt within the last 6 years and I've been laid off from each. The job I liked the most was a seasonal job with a hourly cap that didn't seem interested in hiring me on as a fulltime position and after being passed up 3 times in 4 years, I moved on from that. I've collected unemployment for 1-3 months a couple different times.

She had a really nice professional job so I didn't really want to move from where I was - at least I didn't have any jobs that required moving that would be an improvement on the situation we were in.

How much did I contribute? Well, I paid literally everything I could, but it generally closer to 30-35% (40 at some high points) then half. I always think about people who "mooch" as ones who are living the high life at someone elses expense - considering the sorry state of my bank account almost that whole relationship, if you are broke yourself, i find it hard to call that a mooch. I also ended up in some credit card debt, but that's been paid off. I'm not planning on adding credit card debt free to my profile though.

Snip
Ah, so you reinforced my original assumption w/ the statements I bolded above.

You worked a seasonal p/t job for four years waiting to be brought on f/t b/c you liked that job, while contributing (by your calculations) 30-35% (bet if we asked the ex, she'd dispute those figures) and you don't consider yourself a mooch? Really?!
Last edited by Special-K; January 9,2012 at 11:26am.
 
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KikiAZ is offline KikiAZ Post #26  January 9,2012, 11:35am
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This is a tough economic market, no doubt.

I know three guys roughly your age living at home without good f/t jobs. Once upon a time, everyone had a job and it paid well. Now, you have to hustle.

The older someone gets the more obvious it is if they are a slacker.

And the less appealing they are.

At 30, you should be getting into "grown up" territory.
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #27  January 9,2012, 11:42am
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Ingytravel wrote :
Most people are going to wonder why at the age of almost 30, living with someone for the last 6 years and only paying up to 35% of your share, never having been married, never having any children...how you don't have a good amount of savings...

I can't imagine what you were spending your money on all those years....

Did you all go on vacations? Do you have a new car? Eat out a lot?

My point...is many women near your age are starting to look for responsible and financially more set men with whom they want to marry and start a family.

They will have the same type of questions...

You can try to explain it all you want that you think this is the 'better' choice to live with parents and girlfriends....

But many will see a guy who hasn't ever been able to even support just himself, on his own, so how would he be in a marriage/with children?
I do agree with you. I think once you move into your late 20's to early 30's, more women start to value more responsible and financially set men. I also think there starts to be a bigger divide between those who have long been saving and had substantial career gains and those who have been stuck. I also think, at least from my experience, that there is an inherent bias that affects cash strapped men more than women. At least among my girlfriends, men seem to be willing to overlook low earning potential as long as she is attractive and has other good qualities, but I still experience even in 2012 my girlfriends expect a man to be responsible and provide for himself, even if she herself may not have perfect habits.

That said, I do think many men of my generation tend to be slower to the party when it come to financial stability. As a woman who has a financially stable job, has owned property (and has the financial resources to buy again), I have a hard time finding men who are in the same financial situation as I am. Many of the guys I've found, despite being bright and having good jobs, haven't always made saving and long term planning a priority. I've seen more guys who spend in the moment without a ton of regard for the future, many because they assume they have almost unlimited earning potential and can save in the future.

Personally, I cannot see myself marrying someone whose attitudes toward saving and financial planning don't match my own.
 
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PG-13 is offline PG-13 Post #28  January 9,2012, 12:24pm
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[COLOR=Blue]>>You worked a seasonal p/t job for four years waiting to be brought on f/t b/c you liked that job, while contributing (by your calculations) 30-35% (bet if we asked the ex, she'd dispute those figures) and you don't consider yourself a mooch? Really?!
 
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PG-13 is offline PG-13 Post #29  January 9,2012, 12:34pm
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Dang it, another one of my witty replies got cut off...

I dont consider it financial mismanagement if you have so little finances to manage. I've never topped 20 K in my life, ever. There have been some stretches where I was only making $158/week on unemployment. I'd challenge anyone to "manage their finances" and "contribute equally" when your partner is making more then triple what you are. Basically, you would end up like I have been with very little money and pouring literally everything into rent-utilities-car expenses-car/renters insurance-student loans. So I think its really easy for people to snipe on me up on their financial and career high horses...

My initial part time/seasonal job, it wasnt perfect, but it was my career field, I really loved going to work and doing that job, just a lot of want, and I'd rather be poorer and doing something I believe rather than a corporate drone.

So back to my original question which Im not sure got a real great answer besides a lot of snark - How quickly should I bring this up? longer term OC? first couple dates? after that? should I dodge it as much as possible or just get it out on the open and keep getting closed a ton?

Or to maybe change the context, lets say its a different sensitive issue, like... a mental health issue like bipolar depression or an embarrassing health issue like Crohns or something. Obviously not something you just put in your profile or necessarily would talk about in OC. There's obviously a line there between being honest upfront and lacking tact/shooting yourself in the foot. So how do you all handle delicate issues with your matches?
 
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ScottK is offline ScottK Post #30  January 9,2012, 1:14pm
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I am in agreement with most here...

The OP needs to shore up his money situation, because he really does appear to be capable of more than what he is currently doing in life, and not look to shack up with his next girlfriend to mooch off of...


HOWEVER...

I do detect a bit of snobbery here with some of the responses here...

Not everyone on eHarmony is college educated or has had success in life in their financial situations.
Does this make them horrible people?
Do they not deserve to be happy and find love as well?

There are many, many people that live paycheck to paycheck, not because they are lazy, but because they drew a worse lot in life compared to some of us, and really do need to share expenses such as housing to be able to get by.

I am thankful every day that I have been blessed with the smarts/brains to be a reasonably successful Engineer, and have been able to save a lot of money for that rainy day that inevitably hits most people at some time in their life.
 
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