Weird phone conversation

@Harryoss:

I did not call men shallow. That would be judgmental. I simply described my field observations. I suspect you are all protesting so vehemently because you don’t want to come across as shallow. It is what it is. We are all allowed to make decisions about who to date based on whatever criteria we wish. That could be chemistry, btw, which cannot be judged from a picture and is definitely not equivalent to looks. My point (and I suspect most posters here as well) is that the OP does not understand that everyone gets to decide for him- or herself. Saying that she asks about physical attraction so that she can determine for the guy whether she would be wasting his time is presumptuous at best. Who is she to judge what should be acceptable for a complete stranger? Why are her needs more important than his?


I am also not criticizing guys for their assumptions regarding photo-less profiles. They have either been burned or, more likely, have heard enough urban legends to be wary when someone deliberately hides information. Women are also suspicious when guys hide information. Hiding information is rarely done for benign reasons. Regardless of the reason, it is what it is. You can accept it and work the system to your advantage (i.e. post photos) or severely hamper your efforts as she has elected to do. Do I like posting my pictures for strangers to scrutinize me like inventory in a mail-order catalogue? Of course not. Few people do. Do I understand the downsides of not doing so. Absolutely, as do most daters. So we pose and we post. The issue is that the OP does not understand how significant of a negative this is for her.

And while off-topic, I will bite on your challenge. You see, single, morbidly obese men are rarely in the dating pool. I have yet to meet one, although I do know a number of morbidly obese married men. It seems they let themselves go after the ring goes on. Around the time the marriage goes south, they re-discover their love for jogging, weights, and a healthy lifestyle. So no, unfortunately, I cannot trot out a trail of morbidly obese men that I and/or my friends have dated. You all refuse to give us an opportunity to show just how "un-shallow" we are!

I asked one or two men when I was on eH that same question, what do you find physically attractive in a woman? It could be argued that if a person feels that question indicates insecurity, that the receiver of the question is projecting their own insecurity onto the questioner. It is an assumption, after all, that a person asking that question is necessarily insecure. And if it bothers you that you perceive that your match is insecure, why do you feel so bothered or threatened by that?

Do you need your matches to take up the slack, to make up for your own perceived flaws?

The answer I got from the attractiveness question was fine, but expected. My match replied "beautiful on the inside and outside, slender with a beautiful smile." I found him on the slight, skinny side, obviously balding, and with personality issues.

Another match answered, "A woman who really cares about what she looks like." I closed him. It was the word really.

And what do you like to see?

I'll bite - and I'm genuinely curious. What are your visual dealbreakers?

Perhaps they simply aren't posting full body shots, in the hope of concealing their true condition?


(and with that, we've come full circle, haven't we???)

I do so like to tie up those loose ends, don't you?

Well, certainly overweight .. my ex was morbidly obese, and I ***cannot*** go there again. Admittedly it may have left me a bit oversensitive to that.

It hurt too much, and I hurt her too much. It gets both way too simple and way too complicated ... all at the same time. I've spent far too long trying to figure it out and there just isn't a good answer (once your in it).

Beyond that, I'd just have to see. Sure, I guess there are some folks that were just plain hit with an ugly stick ... but they're pretty rare.