I found her blog and learned personal details - do I tell?


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B_A_R2 is offline B_A_R2 Post #1  December 27,2011, 5:19pm
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I've been out with a girl I met online about 3 or 4 times now. Earlier today, just because I was bored at work, I googled her. Most of what I found was pretty pointless and a lot of it wasn't even her, but I did stumble upon something that is creating a conundrum.

I found her blog. What's more, it's on a site for people battling their weight. For the record, she's freakin' hot and I would have never guessed she had a weight problem - to cross-thread, she's definitely out of my league.

Anyway, in this blog she (on occasion) talks about us and the handful of dates we've been on. She also talks about her weight battles, which she might be embarrassed that I now know about. The conundrum lies in the fact that I feel like I've gained intel on her that she wouldn't want me to have at this point necessarily. Not that she posted anything bad, but I definitely got a glimpse of some thoughts that are personal in nature, and that you wouldn't typically share after just a couple of dates.

I read just far enough back to see the first mention of myself and then stopped, because I started to feel bad, like I was reading something I shouldn't be reading. But in so reading, I learned some facts about her that she has yet to share - again, nothing bad, but still things that are personal in nature that we just haven't gotten to yet.

So I'm torn. I'm not going to read anymore of it. I feel bad having read what I did read, but at the same time it talked about me several times and actually, the first page of the blog that Google took me to had a big picture of she and I on it.

But at the same time, I can't just forget what I did read. So do I tell her I found it? Do I tell her I read it? If so, how do I bring it up? And if I do, will she be pissed? Does she even have a right to be pissed? I mean, it was on page 2 of a google search of her name. It's not like I was digging through her trash to get this.

Or do I pretend I've never seen it? The problem there is, I'm terrible at lying - if she and I start dating, it's almost guaranteed that it will come out eventually that I found this thing four dates into our relationship. I don't want her to think I'm hiding other things when this comes out. Plus, what if I slip and mention something I read? I don't know how that would happen, but I wouldn't put it past me...

This is a problem unlike any I've ever had, so I welcome whatever feedback the populace has to offer. Thanks in advance.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  December 27,2011, 5:34pm
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Anything she placed in public view she made available to you by choice (and posting your picture, without your consent, is actually cause for concern.)

I think the safest option is to disclose that you found it. That solves the problem of always wondering when / if it will come out.

Personally, I'd start the conversation by saying "I found what looks like a photo of us; I am not comfortable with this." Spin it as you will, but control your own content.
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #3  December 27,2011, 5:39pm
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I'd text asking if she knows her public blog shows up on search sites and there's a picture of the two of you in it. She may not have thought about that. Employers can see it too.

Don't write lol. Just send a plain text that she can interpret anyway she likes and then follow her lead when she responds.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #4  December 27,2011, 5:49pm
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I am probably going to end up being the dissenting opinion here, but I say ...if you want to contine seeing her ...forget you ever read it. It's not "almost guaranteed that it will come out" unless you open your big trap and tell her.

Sure, there's an argument to be made here that blogs and websites are open to be viewed by the public are inherently not private (and we can debate the merits of that argument until pigs learn to fly) ...but, trust me, there is a very good chance that she's not going to see you're googling her in the bright light of logic and legal appropriateness. She's going to see is as an invasion and, in the end, right wrong or otherwise, that's all that will matter when she kicks you to the curb.

...and, next time, don't go looking for something you can't handle when you find it.
 
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melvimbe is online now melvimbe Post #5  December 27,2011, 5:51pm
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I agree with D Lion that she had no right to post your photo without your consent. And honestly, there is nothing wrong with googling someone your dating, or running a background check for that matter.

You could tell her if you want to, but I personally would probably not tell her right away, or at least wouldn't make a plan to tell. I would take the information as if she told me herself, and then do what I can to make her feel more comfortable about it. If she has concerns about weight then do what you can to make her feel comfortable about her weight through subtle comments here and there. Maybe that's underhanded, I don't know, but if you have good intentions she can't blame you.

If you do want to just tell her, don't phrase it as a big deal, IMO. Ask her if she has ever done any background checks or googled guys she's dated. She will likely do the same and then you can tell her, without making it an issue. She may be embarrassed, but if it's not a big deal to you, if she knows you aren't going to judge her or change the way you feel about her, she could very well be more open with you going forward.
 
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SingleFLMom is offline SingleFLMom Post #6  December 27,2011, 5:53pm
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BikerBeagle wrote :
I am probably going to end up being the dissenting opinion here, but I say ...if you want to contine seeing her ...forget you ever read it. It's not "almost guaranteed that it will come out" unless you open your big trap and tell her.

Sure, there's an argument to be made here that blogs and websites are open to be viewed by the public are inherently not private (and we can debate the merits of that argument until pigs learn to fly) ...but, trust me, there is a very good chance that she's not going to see you're googling her in the bright light of logic and legal appropriateness. She's going to see is as an invasion and, in the end, right wrong or otherwise, that's all that will matter when she kicks you to the curb.

...and, next time, don't go looking for something you can't handle when you find it.
Totally agree with this! Of course if she has a public blog she knows the risk of someone stumbling on it. But I wouldn't bring up that you stumbled on it. Hopefully it'll come up in conversation sooner rather than later so that you don't have to pretend that you didn't read it for too much longer.
 
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eharmonyjc is offline eharmonyjc Post #7  December 27,2011, 5:55pm
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I agree with Baker Bagel. I wouldn't tell her, I think it would embarrass her. If you guys end up getting serious she'll probably tell you later on about it anyway. Years ago, a guy I met from an online site googled the screen name I used to use for AIM. This was before I realized someone could google that and find all my posts on other message boards, where I used the same handle. I was super embarrassed that he found all of those posts, even though they were pretty innocuous. It just felt like an invasion of privacy.

Now I use a different username on every site I use
 
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tinaroonie is offline tinaroonie Post #8  December 27,2011, 6:01pm
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I wouldn't specifically come out to her and say "I googled you and found your blog", but I might say something that would lead to that. However, I'd probably keep it quiet for a few more dates at least, and if it doesn't come up on its own, steer the conversation in that direction. In the sense of you could ask her if she ever kept a diary/journal when she was younger, or if she likes to write, etc. Steer her towards saying she has a blog online. I wouldn't admit to reading it, but ask for her permission to do so. Then, if she allows you to, I might wait for the next date to bring up what you saw there, about the picture, and how that made you feel. Now, if she says no, it's private, then you just shut up about what you know, if you want to keep dating her. I guarantee that if she says no, she doesn't want to have you read it, (yet or ever) then if you admit to having seen it, that's going to cause issues.
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #9  December 27,2011, 6:02pm
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eharmonyjc wrote :
I agree with Baker Bagel. I wouldn't tell her, I think it would embarrass her. If you guys end up getting serious she'll probably tell you later on about it anyway. Years ago, a guy I met from an online site googled the screen name I used to use for AIM. This was before I realized someone could google that and find all my posts on other message boards, where I used the same handle. I was super embarrassed that he found all of those posts, even though they were pretty innocuous. It just felt like an invasion of privacy.

Now I use a different username on every site I use
That's a great idea. It's a good thing he told you about it or you might never have started doing that.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #10  December 27,2011, 6:22pm
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Id advise you not to bring it up until she mentions it. You can open up a can of worms in this if you reveal this secret because you were "stalking" her.
 
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