Just nerves or is there something seriously wrong here?


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Auroramox is offline Auroramox Post #1  December 22,2011, 12:30pm
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Sorry this is SO long, but the details are important.

I met a guy online back in August, and we hit it off incredibly well. The only problem was he lived 3,000 miles away. This wasn't such a huge issue to me though, since I was about to graduate college and was looking to move somewhere else very soon. So, we decided to pursue each other and see where it would lead. It went very well and we were shocked to find more in common with each other and a seemingly better connection that we'd ever found before.

From the beginning I've always been the one with hesitation and a lack of confidence in the situation, and he's been the very optimistic one. He bought me a plane ticket to come see him in October, but then "friend zoned" me when he unexpectedly started a relationship with someone else who was local. I tried to be understanding, but I still refused to talk to him for the next month, though he did try to get in touch several times. I started dating someone else, too, for a short time. About a month later, he got more persistent about trying to re-kindle our friendship, and eventually sent me a long e-mail detailing how he knew he'd hurt my feelings, but really felt like I was a special person that he didn't want to lose touch with. The relationship he'd been in fell through and mine did soon after. I started talking to him again, and soon it became common to spend hours on the phone with him and never go more than a few hours without contact.

He encouraged me to re-use the plane ticket he'd bought for me previously and come see him for the holidays. I was reluctant at first, but eventually caved to his invitations and even decided to make my trip nearly 3 weeks long after his constant suggestions to make it a long trip. Nothing else was going very well in my life, and I figured I had nothing to lose, especially since that amount of time would allow me to see if I wanted to move to his state and job search.

I'm out here now, and the first day I spent with him went very well, I thought, though we were both nervous. By the end of the night he did sleep with me, but considering the amount of time we'd been getting to know each other, I felt like it was a long time coming and ok for it to happen. He was the one who initiated it and led things along.

Now I'm not sure if I made a fatal mistake somehow. I assume he's attracted to me, considering the other night, but he's been steadily less warm and friendly ever since the first day (today being day 4). Yesterday I saw hardly any affection from him at all. I'm thinking it could be one of these problems:

1. He finds something unappealing about me physically.

2. He finds me intimidatingly attractive and is just nervous around me. He'd indicated over the phone before that my level of attractiveness made him a bit uncomfortable and he felt on a "lesser" level than me.

3. He thinks I'm a whore for giving in to his advances.

4. He's just been exhausted the past few days from working his 12 hour shifts managing a store at the holidays and doesn't want to start something that would potentially cut into the few hours of sleep he gets those nights.

5. Though he's assured me it couldn't be further from the case, he's hung up on the girl he dumped a little over a month ago when we started talking again, or even possibly the ex-wife whom he divorced early this year.

6. I worry too much.

I can always arrange an earlier flight home, but as of now I'm out here till January, so I'd like to do what I can to fix this weird little issue if at all possible and still have a good time with him. I do plan to bring it up somehow tonight. It's his night off and I'm also going to see if his behavior is any different on a night where work isn't of immediate concern to him. In the meantime, insight on what I've done wrong/what might be going on is appreciated.

I'm just confused, and no matter how much I try to get him to warm up to me and relax, I keep meeting with some sort of resistance I can't figure out.
 
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moonette is offline moonette Post #2  December 22,2011, 1:01pm
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Whether or not you want this to work as an LTR, relax and have fun by yourself and with the guy while you're there.
Your expectations are extremely high and it seems his are too. It's not good to have conversations about where the relationship is going when it's this early in meeting and suddenly there's a bit of awkwardness. If the relationship continues past this vacation, you'll have plenty of time to talk about where it's going and what you want.
Relax and have fun, get out and enjoy the area by yourself as well as with him. If you're interested in the guy, act like it. If he's interested, he'll act that way too.

Next time, meet the guy within two weeks. A phone relationship isn't real.

m
 
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bonzi is offline bonzi Post #3  December 22,2011, 1:14pm
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3000 miles? I go nuts with 27 miles...My suggestion is think local. In my past experiences I did a 1000+ relationship. I spent a lot of time and $. When we were together it was a "vacation" and not real life. She couldn't stop by to pick up something for diner or come over to help me with something or even have a disagreement. I couldn't see every day life with her. Relocating to his environment is possibly setting yourself up for disappointment. It takes time, although it could work and remember all his ex's are around. Get home, stabilize your thoughts and check "long distance relationship" off your list. Don't bring it up tonight, play house and make a nice dinner or something regular life like. You'll have plenty of time to measure your worries. Let him have his night off with you. Go check out all those excessive x-mas lights in the neighborhoods...
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #4  December 22,2011, 1:35pm
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Beware....pretty blunt post ahead...

You will find that everyone feels differently about this situation...but to me...until you meet someone...they are a stranger...Words on a computer or a voice on a phone...does not equal being in person...

So you basically slept with this guy the day you met him.....

This guy is enjoying some fun and easy sex...(Sorry...but there isn't a better way to put this...) Not that YOU are easy....I just mean...he didn't have to do anything...you fly all the out to him...

You all started communicating online just a few months after his divorce and it sounds like this guy is just looking to rebound and sow some wild oats it seems now that he is single...

I'm sorry to be blunt here....but for you to be thinking about possibly moving all the way cross country....before you even met this guy...seems like you need to work on finding out what you want for your own life after college. Establishing yourself....finding a good job...making friends...Figuring out what YOU want in a real relationship as you sound so worried about 'how this guy feels about you'...

Once you get more established...it won't be so easy to just latch on to someone who is just words on a computer...

I truly hope that you have had safe sex with this guy...and just enjoy this for what it is...a fun vacation...
Last edited by Ingytravel; December 22,2011 at 1:42pm.
 
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Auroramox is offline Auroramox Post #5  December 22,2011, 1:48pm
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Thank you all for the good advice so far, it really is helpful. He does happen to live in what would be my first choice as a place to live in the US that I have considered living in regardless of him, and I am not a stranger to the place at least, so that made me feel more confident about flying out here. I was aware I could be jumping the gun, and made him aware of my hesitation quite a few times. I seemed to be hurting his feelings. I've been single with only rather disappointing relationships for the past year, so I was willing to take the risk on someone I seemed to be very compatible with. It's true that maybe I just need to treat this as a brief bit of fun and nothing else.

Ingytravel, I actually appreciate the honesty and bluntness, and I've had my concerns about those issues as well. The thing is he's been very open with me about his preference for serious relationships, not meaningless sex, and how much he looks down on people who do that. But maybe after the divorce he is figuring out some things about himself, too, and doesn't realize what he needs...whether he's conscious of it or not. Maybe I just blew it by being too indulgent...which I typically would not be...I just felt especially comfortable and "into" him.

We'll see how it goes...I guess I will take Bonzi's advice and just keep my mouth shut for tonight.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #6  December 22,2011, 2:04pm
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Just remember, you're not the only one who fell into bed quickly. And if he's saying he wants a serious relationship and he doesn't respect casual sex...and then he has sex with you the first time he meets you. Well, I think he's got some 'splainin' to do there, hon.

And you'll get all kinds of words about guys aren't going to say no and such...but if a man's going to judge you for doing exactly the same thing he did...he's not worth worrying about.

Just have fun. If he doesn't seem responsive, make your own plans and have a good vacation. If it gets too uncomfortable, get a hotel room and just walk away.
 
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Auroramox is offline Auroramox Post #7  December 22,2011, 2:13pm
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littlebluemonkeymind wrote :
Just remember, you're not the only one who fell into bed quickly. And if he's saying he wants a serious relationship and he doesn't respect casual sex...and then he has sex with you the first time he meets you. Well, I think he's got some 'splainin' to do there, hon.

And you'll get all kinds of words about guys aren't going to say no and such...but if a man's going to judge you for doing exactly the same thing he did...he's not worth worrying about.

Just have fun. If he doesn't seem responsive, make your own plans and have a good vacation. If it gets too uncomfortable, get a hotel room and just walk away.
Those are my thoughts exactly on the sex issue...it does take two, and to be fair, I did ask him exactly what he was wanting as things progressed and if it was ok with him. I was reassured then, not so much now. I've had to make my own plans for some days anyway while he is working the whole day, and I still love the city we're in regardless of him, so...the hotel room as an option is not out of the question.
 
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i_remember is offline i_remember Post #8  December 22,2011, 2:37pm
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If I had to guess I'd say he liked the idea of you more than the actual experience. You peaked on the phone and the fantasy isn't materializing into reality. Least that's been my experience in similar situations.

Enjoy the vacation!
 
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Ingytravel is offline Ingytravel Post #9  December 22,2011, 3:22pm
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littlebluemonkeymind wrote :
Just remember, you're not the only one who fell into bed quickly. And if he's saying he wants a serious relationship and he doesn't respect casual sex...and then he has sex with you the first time he meets you. Well, I think he's got some 'splainin' to do there, hon.

And you'll get all kinds of words about guys aren't going to say no and such...but if a man's going to judge you for doing exactly the same thing he did...he's not worth worrying about.

Just have fun. If he doesn't seem responsive, make your own plans and have a good vacation. If it gets too uncomfortable, get a hotel room and just walk away.
Absolutely agree...Aurora...I wasn't trying to say that it was all on you for jumping into bed...

I was just stating that too many people mistake online communication as 'time together getting to know someone'...and as you said...even though you slept with him the day you met him...it "seemed" like a long wait and that you felt you've known him for a long time. Nothing substitutes actually time face to face as you all are finding out.

That if you (or anyone) decides to have sex early on...which is perfectly fine for two adults, then do so for the pure pleasure of it...but don't mistake it for meaning something so soon in the process. That it doesn't guarantee a relationship or that you all will be a match long term...

Hopefully you can just enjoy the rest of the time out there...Do you have anyone else that you know out there...friends or family that you can visit as well? Just know that a hotel is always an option as LBMM mentioned if it gets uncomfortable...

Good luck...
 
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SteveManchesterEngland is offline SteveManchesterEngland Post #10  December 22,2011, 4:17pm
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I think you need professional help.

3000 miles away and his point 2 and then point 3!
 
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