How to discuss past divorce with new matches?


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Catherine1178 is offline Catherine1178 Post #1  November 26,2011, 7:23am
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I am a 33year old professional female with MBA who just joined EH for the second time, and I’m nervous about how to discuss my divorce with potential matches. I loved being married, being a wife, and raising our son together. Out of the blue, my husband up and walked out two years ago after five years of marriage. We tried marriage counseling, etc, but we ended up getting an amicable dissolution and are committed to raising our son together. (Sidenote: He did not want the responsibility of marriage anymore). I have a hangup in being divorced because (I feel) it implies I don’t value marriage, traditional values, etc, but that is simply not the case! I am the first one in my family/circle of friends to get a divorce. I know divorce is common in the “world”, but I never thought it would happen to me. I pulled myself up by my bootstraps, and with the support of my loved ones continue to believe that there is an amazing partner for me.

My question is: How do I answer questions about this on a date? I have gone on dates before, and inevitably, the topic comes up, and I don’t know if saying “He left me” sounds like I’m damaged goods or something? But, saying “it was mutual” is a lie. The truth is – I didn’t want to be married to someone who didn’t want to be married. What is the best way to approach this topic? Also, in one of the dating books I read, (From Ex to Next) the male author advises against saying “He left” because it makes me sound weak – lol.
 
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peacefulharp is offline peacefulharp Post #2  November 26,2011, 8:16am
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See below for what I would say in your shoes. The blue section is from your post but moved for context. This does not sound weak (he left) and is the truth. It also gives your date an idea of what to expect regarding child custody (it sounds like your ex is still fairly involved. If that is not the case consider revising the wording).

Good luck in your search!


Catherine1178 wrote :
I loved being married, being a wife, and raising our son together. Out of the blue, my husband Decided he did not want the responsibility of marriage and up and walked out two years ago after five years of marriage. We tried marriage counseling, etc, but we ended up getting an amicable dissolution and are committed to raising our son together.
 
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shapeShifter79 is offline shapeShifter79 Post #3  November 26,2011, 8:30am
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Catherine1178 wrote :
My question is: How do I answer questions about this on a date?
Honestly.

wrote :
I have gone on dates before, and inevitably, the topic comes up
How does it "come up"? I'm divorced, and the reasons for that come up less than 20% of the time on a first date. My last first date was 3 hrs long as we were so busy discussing compatibilities, who we are, and the future I don't believe I mentioned my ex more than once when explaining my custody scheduling.

wrote :
I don’t know if saying “He left me” sounds like I’m damaged goods or something?
No. That sounds like a personal insecurity.

wrote :
But, saying “it was mutual” is a lie.
Then don't lie, tell the truth.

wrote :
What is the best way to approach this topic?
I don't see a need to approach this topic at all early on. When it finally comes up on a second or third date, I would approach it honestly.

wrote :
author advises against saying “He left” because it makes me sound weak – lol.
To me, dishonesty is a weakness and a dealbreaker. Which doesn't mean you have to bring up the subject, but if it's brought up, you shouldn't lie to a potential life partner about it. You don't need to appeal to all men. You only need to find one great one.

wrote :
I have a hangup in being divorced because (I feel) it implies I don’t value marriage, traditional values, etc, but that is simply not the case! I am the first one in my family/circle of friends to get a divorce. I know divorce is common in the “world”, but I never thought it would happen to me.
I would say don't worry so much about the discussion as solving this "hang-up" you have. Believing divorcees are "damaged goods"--and that applies to yourself and others--will not serve you well. There are many divorcees on these boards with damn good reasons for deciding that staying in a marriage was not right for them, or who like you didn't have a choice in the matter. There's no shame in that.

I also note you put the reason entirely on the other parner--"He did not want the responsibility of marriage anymore." Realistically, you likely had some part to play as well. The American Dream is not about always succeeding, it's about learning from your mistakes. One thing people often look from in divorcees is that they've done some introspection and learned from their mistakes.

If he took up raising the children, all the more difficult without a partner to share the burden, he doesn't seem "adverse to responsibility" in general.
Last edited by shapeShifter79; November 26,2011 at 8:35am.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #4  November 26,2011, 8:58am
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Maybe I am just not very good at the dating dance (or maybe I am very good) but I have never asked any match to tell me about her marriage / divorce. Somewhere along in the date/s bits and pieces will come out without me having to ask questions. Quite frankly unless things become very serious, like there is a possibility of marriage, I don't really see that it is any of my business and would never be so presumptions as to come right out and ask.

Unless you have some reason that you feel more information is necessary, should some cad ask why you are divorced "Out of the blue, my husband decided he did not want the responsibility of marriage anymore." this should suffice as your answer. This is taken right from your post, I just took all the additional words out of the middle to get right to the heart of the matter.
 
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Alli824 is online now Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #5  November 26,2011, 8:58am
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First of all, anyone asking this question on a first, second or third date is prying. What happened between my ex and me is no one's business, and who is really to say why a relationship ends? It could be for a multitude of reasons. I've heard everything from "... I couldn't take his whiskers in the wash basin anymore... to we did not agree on child rearing... to Yes, I still love him but no I do not want to live with him he has addiction issues.

"Unfortunately we grew apart" is my standard answer if pushed.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  November 26,2011, 9:11am
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shapeShifter79 wrote :
I also note you put the reason entirely on the other partner--"He did not want the responsibility of marriage anymore." Realistically, you likely had some part to play as well. The American Dream is not about always succeeding, it's about learning from your mistakes. One thing people often look from in divorcees is that they've done some introspection and learned from their mistakes.

If he took up raising the children, all the more difficult without a partner to share the burden, he doesn't seem "adverse to responsibility" in general.
I disagree with your premise here. I have known (of) a number of men (and women) who got married for all the wrong reasons who found they did not want the "responsibility" of marriage yet did step up to accepting responsibility for helping with the care of their children.

I always thought The American Dream was to own a house. You have burst my bubble
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #7  November 26,2011, 9:25am
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I have been there and done that with divorce. You went through counseling so this WAS NOT him just getting up out of the blue and walking away.

The reason you went for counseling was because there were issues.

With my failed marriage it was predominately her fault/issues. We went through 2 yrs of counseling and she just didnt get it. The big issue for my divorce were financial in her refusing to work and we were childless. She wanted to pull a clandestine divorce where she knew I would be traveling for work for 2 weeks so she would end it then. I discovered before my travel and we went through the divorce. For me things in the marriage wasnt going to change until she worked.

When you talk about your failed marriage nobody will buy it was all his fault and you did nothing wrong.

You can say "we have a good relationship in raising our son but it just didnt work as a marriage because of w and he didnt want to change/he gave up trying and decided to end the marriage"
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #8  November 26,2011, 9:32am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
I disagree with your premise here. I have known (of) a number of men (and women) who got married for all the wrong reasons who found they did not want the "responsibility" of marriage yet did step up to accepting responsibility for helping with the care of their children.


They went through counseling which says they had issues in their marriage....it wasnt him picking up and leaving out of the blue without warning signs. Im sure they mentioned the D word during counseling..
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #9  November 26,2011, 9:41am
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Best to discuss your divorce a little as possible.........Do not bring it up..(since it is known you are divorced).....and if asked.... just the dispassionate facts.... basically with a slight rewording of what was stated in your post.

Do not worry about the "sigma" of divorce...it is more common than not....and many men you meet will also be in this position...Good Luck....
Catherine1178 wrote :
"after five years of marriage, he decided marriage was not right for him"
 
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boomer_gal is offline boomer_gal Post #10  November 26,2011, 10:49am
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In my experience, the topic doesn't come up all that often. If it does, I just say something like "I'd prefer to discuss this later, after we know each other better". In my case, it is because my ex was bipolar. Honolulu is a relatively small town & out of respect to my ex, I wouldn't share this info w/ someone casually. But whatever your reasons for reticence in discussing the topic, it is fine to hold that conversation off till the time you feel is appropriate. It sounds like the bigger issue in your case is how you come to grips with the divorce itself. If you haven't sought post divorce counseling, it might be helpful for you. It was a blessing for me.
Last edited by boomer_gal; November 26,2011 at 10:50am. Reason: typo
 
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