When is the best time to bring up needing to take things slow?


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Jamiewan is offline Jamiewan Post #1  October 13,2011, 9:34am
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I just had a brief but potentially wonderful relationship fall apart because we failed to establish our expectations. I needed to take it slow and she got tired of waiting for me to come around. I can't help but believe if we had talked about this up front we could have avoided the disappointment we had at the end. (or the whole thing altogether) I'm left with what should be a nice friend, but that's not what I'm looking for. My question is at what point should I bring up my need for going slowly? The first date? Once a second date has been arranged? Later? I'm concerned that doing so at any point will reduce what should be a natural progression of feelings into a business transaction.
 
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Faraday is online now Faraday Post #2  October 13,2011, 9:38am
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Jamiewan wrote :
I just had a brief but potentially wonderful relationship fall apart because we failed to establish our expectations. I needed to take it slow and she got tired of waiting for me to come around. I can't help but believe if we had talked about this up front we could have avoided the disappointment we had at the end. (or the whole thing altogether) I'm left with what should be a nice friend, but that's not what I'm looking for. My question is at what point should I bring up my need for going slowly? The first date? Once a second date has been arranged? Later? I'm concerned that doing so at any point will reduce what should be a natural progression of feelings into a business transaction.
If you tell a someone you need to take it slow...they're going to think you're not interested.

Unless you have a super awesome reason?
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #3  October 13,2011, 9:45am
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Jamie, can you provide more detail on what you mean by taking it slow? You mean, exclusivity, sex, moving in together? what...
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #4  October 13,2011, 9:54am
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I doubt that any sort of conversation is going to help this situation. If you and your match / date are not moving along at about the same speed then the one wanting to move faster is going to feel frustrated and the one wanting to move slower is going to feel pressured.

But if you feel the need to say that you want to move slow then you might as well just put it in your profile.
 
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Jamiewan is offline Jamiewan Post #5  October 13,2011, 10:16am
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I have issues with trust due to being hurt and betrayed many times in the past. I'm also fairly shy so it takes me awhile before I start opening up to people, in all ways. I'm not shut off, it's just that I progress at a slower rate than most people. But once I get there and feel like I can trust someone I'm probably above average when it comes to being open. I'm a comedian/actor/improviser so I know how to express myself, I just need to achieve a certain comfort level with people before I can fully open up. And I know that most people would view my ability to do just about anything on stage as an indication of being open in my personal life, but what most people don't seem to understand is that it's established ahead of time that the stage is a "safe zone" where it's okay and even a requirement to be open. And no, I can't pretend that I'm on stage when I'm dealing with people on a personal level. I've stated my need to go slowly in at least two different ways in my profile.
 
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nick222 is offline nick222 Post #6  October 13,2011, 10:43am
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Faraday wrote :
If you tell a someone you need to take it slow...they're going to think you're not interested.
I haven't found this to be the case at all. I've found that different people move toward commitment at different speeds, and the key is to find someone willing to move at a similar speed.

If I were the OP I would say so on my profile and let people self-select. I think you'll find that some will actually prefer you over others for that.
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #7  October 13,2011, 10:54am
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Based on what you have shared, it seems to me that you are not not emotionally ready to date, let alone be in a relationship. I understand having trust issues and all, but part of life is being willing to take risks.

I bet you that you don't think about the risk of not coming back home everytime you leave your domicile. If you did, then you would never leave and end up being a hermit who will eventually starve to death, since you have to get groceries.

Trust me, I understand where you are coming from, but taking things slow, will not help you deal with some internal issues you got going on. It may be in your best interest, to seek some sort of counseling to help you deal with your concerns, then take some time off to get yourself together. Then, get back out there and start dating. You should be eager and enthusiastic to meet and greet and have fun. That's not going to happen, if you decide to use a cautious approach towards dating.

So, I don't know when it is a good time to tell someone that you prefer to take things slow. Maybe it isn't even necessary to tell someone. Just do it! If a prospective date inquires as to why you are not reponding in a manner that is suitable for them, then maybe at that point it would be good to tell them.

I do think that dating should be a lesser priority for you at this point in your life, but you are the captain of your own vessel, so do what you feel is best for you.

B.Y.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #8  October 13,2011, 10:56am
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Jamiewan wrote :
I have issues with trust due to being hurt and betrayed many times in the past. I'm also fairly shy so it takes me awhile before I start opening up to people, in all ways. I'm not shut off, it's just that I progress at a slower rate than most people. But once I get there and feel like I can trust someone I'm probably above average when it comes to being open.
Everyone has been hurt and betrayed sometime in the past. It's the nature of relating to other people. You can never control some other person's actions, only your reaction to it.

When people have been hurt, or even when they are just afraid of possibly being hurt, they tend to put up huge walls. That's not fair to the person you are trying to relate to. They didn't do anything to cause you to put up those walls, yet they are paying the price when you won't let them in.

I am not saying that you should just openly trust people right from the beginning. But, by telling yourself you need to take things slow "because I've been hurt before", you're projecting a lot of stuff onto this new person that doesn't have anything to do with them.
 
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Faraday is online now Faraday Post #9  October 13,2011, 11:01am
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nick222 wrote :
I haven't found this to be the case at all. I've found that different people move toward commitment at different speeds, and the key is to find someone willing to move at a similar speed.

If I were the OP I would say so on my profile and let people self-select. I think you'll find that some will actually prefer you over others for that.
I'll go with that. I just know that when I've said it...or it's been said to me...it's because other options want to be explored before moving too much further into a relationship.
 
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Harryoss is offline Harryoss Post #10  October 13,2011, 11:06am
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Jamiewan wrote :
I have issues with trust due to being hurt and betrayed many times in the past. I'm also fairly shy so it takes me awhile before I start opening up to people, in all ways. I'm not shut off, it's just that I progress at a slower rate than most people. But once I get there and feel like I can trust someone I'm probably above average when it comes to being open. I'm a comedian/actor/improviser so I know how to express myself, I just need to achieve a certain comfort level with people before I can fully open up. And I know that most people would view my ability to do just about anything on stage as an indication of being open in my personal life, but what most people don't seem to understand is that it's established ahead of time that the stage is a "safe zone" where it's okay and even a requirement to be open. And no, I can't pretend that I'm on stage when I'm dealing with people on a personal level. I've stated my need to go slowly in at least two different ways in my profile.
I think you need to sit down and carefully think about a different set of reasons as to why you need to move slower, because to anyone with half a brain the reasons above will clearly indicate:

a) You're a man who lacks the balls to make any kind of move (this is the shy bit working its magic)

b) You're doing very early prep-work on an eventual claim of commitment phobia on your part.

c) You've got major baggage from an ex who cheated on you.

The above things may or may not be true... but it doesn't matter... because if I were a woman, and some guy told me his reasons for wanting to go slow are what you just said, these are the conclusions I'd draw. Do with that what you will.
 
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