When is the best time to bring up needing to take things slow?


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Faraday is online now Faraday Post #11  October 13,2011, 11:11am
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mitchell175 wrote :
Everyone has been hurt and betrayed sometime in the past. It's the nature of relating to other people. You can never control some other person's actions, only your reaction to it.

When people have been hurt, or even when they are just afraid of possibly being hurt, they tend to put up huge walls. That's not fair to the person you are trying to relate to. They didn't do anything to cause you to put up those walls, yet they are paying the price when you won't let them in.

I am not saying that you should just openly trust people right from the beginning. But, by telling yourself you need to take things slow "because I've been hurt before", you're projecting a lot of stuff onto this new person that doesn't have anything to do with them.

Great post.

My ex and I aren't together because he brought so much baggage to our relationship. He's starting counseling next week, thank god. But the lack of trust he had towards me...and all the baggage he projected onto me from past relationships...just wasn't fair! It's not fair to make someone else to pay for the sins of that girl you haven't gotten over. Do the next girl you date a favor and look into counseling before you start dating her.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #12  October 13,2011, 11:19am
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mitchell175 wrote :
When people have been hurt, or even when they are just afraid of possibly being hurt, they tend to put up huge walls. That's not fair to the person you are trying to relate to. They didn't do anything to cause you to put up those walls, yet they are paying the price when you won't let them in.

I am not saying that you should just openly trust people right from the beginning. But, by telling yourself you need to take things slow "because I've been hurt before", you're projecting a lot of stuff onto this new person that doesn't have anything to do with them.
^ ditto ^

You have a big ol' samsonite-size chip on your shoulder ...you need to either figure out a way to check it at the door or realize that you shouldn't be 'dating' at all until you do. It's not someone else's responsibility to 'fix' you ...
 
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i_remember is offline i_remember Post #13  October 13,2011, 11:21am
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I'd simply be honest from the getgo. If it's someone that you like or could potentially like, just tell them that it's your issues with trust that make you emotionally walled off, aloof or distant.

Let them decide if they want to move forward after hearing that. At least you won't find yourself apologizing in the future over this very same thing.
 
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Jamiewan is offline Jamiewan Post #14  October 13,2011, 11:41am
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I have been in therapy for awhile and progress has been made. It's that progress that's allowed me to start dating again after a long hiatus. I'm also not saying I'm afraid to take chances just that I need to move at my own pace, which seems to be slower than most people expect. And I refuse to let anyone dictate pace to me. I'm not interested in anyone who isn't going to be understanding of this, and part of this is discovering those people who aren't going to be understanding. WHat I'm wondering is at what point it should be discussed, if at all, in order to avoid having someone assume that I'm not interested when I truly am.
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #15  October 13,2011, 11:48am
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Jamiewan wrote :
WHat I'm wondering is at what point it should be discussed, if at all, in order to avoid having someone assume that I'm not interested when I truly am.
Having just gone on a few dates with a very introverted and quiet guy, I can say that he sent out a lot of mixed messages. On the dates, I would find myself wondering if he was even enjoying himself, because I found it extremely hard to get any kind of read off him. Then, later, via text or email, he would say how good a time he had, and how much he liked me and really wanted to see me again. The whole thing was just very confusing.

If you're not telling these women that you like to take things slow... how are they supposed to know?
 
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harnomygirl is offline harnomygirl Post #16  October 13,2011, 11:51am
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Jamiewan wrote :
I have been in therapy for awhile and progress has been made. It's that progress that's allowed me to start dating again after a long hiatus. I'm also not saying I'm afraid to take chances just that I need to move at my own pace, which seems to be slower than most people expect. And I refuse to let anyone dictate pace to me. I'm not interested in anyone who isn't going to be understanding of this, and part of this is discovering those people who aren't going to be understanding. WHat I'm wondering is at what point it should be discussed, if at all, in order to avoid having someone assume that I'm not interested when I truly am.
I think that some women will be interested if you tell them that you want to take things slowly because you've been hurt before, but you really like them and can see things progressing. Unfortunately, they might like seeing you as a wounded bird. Be very careful that they don't resent it as you grow and heal, because you will.

If you want to date now, just keep saying what you've written here, while emphasizing your interest, but understand that the relationships you build now may not stand the test of time.
 
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BabyYoda is offline BabyYoda Post #17  October 13,2011, 12:10pm
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Jamiewan wrote :
I have been in therapy for awhile and progress has been made. It's that progress that's allowed me to start dating again after a long hiatus. I'm also not saying I'm afraid to take chances just that I need to move at my own pace, which seems to be slower than most people expect. And I refuse to let anyone dictate pace to me. I'm not interested in anyone who isn't going to be understanding of this, and part of this is discovering those people who aren't going to be understanding. WHat I'm wondering is at what point it should be discussed, if at all, in order to avoid having someone assume that I'm not interested when I truly am.
Kudos to you for being proactive and seeking therapy. As much as you say that you are making progress, that doesn't mean you are ready to date. If you want to take things slow, then perhaps seek platonic friendships with women. Then maybe express a romantic interest once you get to know them.

When it comes to romance, people aren't going to always go at YOUR pace. They have their own agenda as well, so how are you going to expect someone to go at YOUR pace, when you aren't necessarily focused on going at THEIR pace? Where is the compromise?

As for your query, if dating at a slow pace is really important to you, then place your cards on the table at the beginning of correspondance. I would not go into much detail about it, but simply tell your matches that you are looking to get to know someone at a controlled pace and once you get to know them better, you will fill them in with some details. From there, start the process and focus on becoming better acquainted. If you let someone know at the beginning, then you are allowing them to decide whether to invest time in getting to know you as well as agreeing to your terms and conditions. Hopefully, you will be open enough to meet them at the middle and the both of you can proceed at a pace that is comfortable for the both of you.

B.Y.
 
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boschimsp is offline boschimsp — Advice Member-Moderator Post #18  October 13,2011, 12:24pm
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Jamiewan wrote :
I have been in therapy for awhile and progress has been made. It's that progress that's allowed me to start dating again after a long hiatus. I'm also not saying I'm afraid to take chances just that I need to move at my own pace, which seems to be slower than most people expect. And I refuse to let anyone dictate pace to me. I'm not interested in anyone who isn't going to be understanding of this, and part of this is discovering those people who aren't going to be understanding. WHat I'm wondering is at what point it should be discussed, if at all, in order to avoid having someone assume that I'm not interested when I truly am.
I'm glad to hear that you are in therapy. This was actually going to be my question to you. You could always experiment with bringing it up at different points and seeing what the response. I think what might help is being a bit more concrete about what going slow means to you and what your timeframe is. I think that might help make it clear that it isn't a blow off and will also help expectations on both sides. However, I also do think it is healthy and normal to expect a fair bit of compromise. Going as slow as you might like may turn off a few people so if you find someone who is understanding of the situation and meets a lot of what you were looking for, I might also explore letting things move a little bit faster. Particularly if you're doing online dating where some people might be dating others early on, it can be easy to get left in the dust if you move too slow.
 
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suzyblueeyes is offline suzyblueeyes Post #19  October 13,2011, 12:58pm
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Jamiewan wrote :
I have been in therapy for awhile and progress has been made. It's that progress that's allowed me to start dating again after a long hiatus. I'm also not saying I'm afraid to take chances just that I need to move at my own pace, which seems to be slower than most people expect. And I refuse to let anyone dictate pace to me. I'm not interested in anyone who isn't going to be understanding of this, and part of this is discovering those people who aren't going to be understanding. WHat I'm wondering is at what point it should be discussed, if at all, in order to avoid having someone assume that I'm not interested when I truly am.
While I can respect that you have your boundaries, most women will see your pacing as unnaturally slow and it will be a problem regardless of how and when you bring it up. That's not necessarily a bad thing as you will screen out people who are not on the same page as you.

However, as a previous poster said, if a man said to me that he wanted to "take things slow", I would be out of there pretty quickly as it generally means "I am not really ready to date and I have unnaturally high standards which you will almost surely never be able to live up to but I want to use you as a test subject in the meantime". I think that I am fairly indicative of the majority of the healthy female population.

That being said, I am sure there will be women out there who, while in the minority, will be ok with your pacing. Be careful though because it can be hard to distinguish the ones who are ok with your pacing from those who really mean "I am not really ready to date and I have unnaturally high standards which you will almost surely never be able to live up to but I want to use you as a test subject in the meantime" (this goes for both men and women).
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #20  October 13,2011, 3:50pm
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Faraday wrote :
If you tell a someone you need to take it slow...they're going to think you're not interested.

Yep. This is the right advice.

A person with options is not going to wait around for you to come around.

Also, delaying tactics are things cheaters do. So, delaying scares people away, that you have something to hide.

***

Your best hope here is to find partners with a similar style to your own.
 
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