Psychology of Online Dating?


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savman is offline savman Post #21  October 11,2011, 6:34am
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I agree with Beagle. You actions should be the same whether the person you are dating can see them or not. Character and Integrity are most evident, and most easily defined, by what you do when nobody is watching.
 
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walkonwaterjoseph is offline walkonwaterjoseph Post #22  October 11,2011, 3:52pm
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Last edited by walkonwaterjoseph; October 16,2011 at 3:59pm.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #23  October 11,2011, 4:10pm
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If it was me and I liked you and after a few dates you still had a profile up, all I would desire is someone who isn't still looking. My psychological response would either be distancing or outright aversion.

Then again, I tend not to multi-date and not to date those who do. I refuse to view any of it as a competition or something that requires strategizing.

Do what you're comfortable with because it's true to who you are - not because of any possible psychological responses to your actions. There are entirely too many people out there dating who do what they do to achieve an outcome, rather than because it's a heartfelt reflection of who they are. Makes it almost impossible to actually *know* someone, which is what it, logically, should be about.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #24  October 11,2011, 4:21pm
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walkonwaterjoseph wrote :
I'm the type of guy that doesn't like to date more than one person at a time, so usually after around the 3rd date mark, I stop looking for potential partners. I do this w/o consulting the woman I'm dating, b/c it's just a personal decision I like to make. After a few more, I'll usually have the exclusive conversation, but I like to give my partner time to decide for herself what she wants to do in the hopes she'll bring up the topic before I do.

Now usually what I do is shut my profile down, deactivate it, or just make it invisible. (Every site is a little different.) I've begun thinking though that this doesn't always have the effect I desire as it doesn't add to a woman's concern that I may as well be dating others, which may prompt her to more quickly desire exclusivity. What do you think? Am I doing this wrong?

Your method sounds good to me.

Your second paragraph is concerning, however, because it seems you are making a choice based on manipulating your partner's feelings or actions. This will bite you sonner or later - and not in a good way.

***

If it is exclusive women you seek, then it's better to state this clearly, and walk away from those who aren't, then try this convoluted, impractical way to induce them to it.
 
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treatmesweetly is offline treatmesweetly Post #25  October 11,2011, 4:23pm
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
By the same token you could lose a "keeper" because you were not going to even consider him because you were dating someone else who you threw back a couple of weeks later.
Who said anything about not considering someone, or throwing a good one back?? I usually figure out if I'm interested in someone within the first 1-2 dates (sometimes over the phone, if he's really obnoxious). I'm not one of those folks who dates several someones for weeks or months. That's just not me.

Good luck!
 
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LDJ is offline LDJ Post #26  October 11,2011, 4:48pm
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This isn't making a whole lot of sense to me. If a guy told me he had decided to date me exclsively without me prompting that discussion, then I would believe him to be sincere and it would prompt me to make sure I was very seriously considering him as a long term partner, if I were not I would feel the honest thing to do would be to say so. This would all happen no matter what was going on with his profile.

So, to the OP, why not leave the profile up and just not bother with it or turn off matching if that is possible. I'm under the impression that on all the sites now, everyone can "monitor" everyone else's online activity. I might be wrong on this as I am not well versed beyond eH. So, if your date can see that you are not logg ing in, then what does it matter i fyou have disabled the profile or not???

My bf told me after 3 mos that he would not be seeing anyone else but didn't expect me to committ to the same. He didn't deactivate his profile until a month later. I was pretty confused at the time about what this all meant, but it really did make sense in hindsight, there is not as much value in an exclusivity committment from your date if it has to be prompted or it is a promise for a promise kind of thing. Ironically, I wasn't dating anyone else at the time, was sort of doing as the OP states and focusing on him alone by way of my own personal decision. It worked out rather well that we each came round to the same way of thinking and feeling without putting any pressure on oneanother in any way.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #27  October 12,2011, 5:21am
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walkonwaterjoseph wrote :
I appreciate the perspective, but my intent is not to manipulate anyone. I didn't want to date others - that was my choice, *and* it was entirely too early to have the "exclusive" conversation.
...a conversation in which you, by your own admission, would have had - and probably agreed to - if she had brought it up first.

walkonwaterjoseph wrote :
My original question centered around general psychology concerning online dating.
...and my answer centered around general psychology concerning online dating ...specifically, yours.

walkonwaterjoseph wrote :
I suspect that if she felt I was still out there dating, her desire to be exclusive may be more inclined vs. not being out there. That's all this question was about.
Increasing one's value via competition (or, in your case, the appearance of competition) is not a new thing ...but would it make her 'more inclined' to become exclusive with you? ...meh, possibly, if she was equally as desperate as you are, but not likely on that merit alone as there are other variables to consider.

In order for this game to work in your favor - and make no mistake, this is nothing more than a game of "make her jealous" - the woman you are dating needs to 1) know that you are dating (an)other woman/women, 2) know the other woman/women you are dating, 3) and believe that the other woman/women are her equal in physical appearance and social status. This is not a trifecta situation you are going to find in online dating ever ...it's really effective, however, in a real life situation where you share the same social circles.

By and large, women you meet online are going to assume you are dating other women ...and they aren't going to care ...because, surprise! they are dating other men! (and, trust me, they have far more opportunity there than you do). They won't know - or want to know - the other women you are dating ...and the only way they would know is if you told them.

No, psychologically, your manipulation scheme isn't going to work very well at all ...does that answer your question?
 
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mitchell175 is offline mitchell175 Post #28  October 12,2011, 8:11am
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BikerBeagle wrote :
By and large, women you meet online are going to assume you are dating other women ...and they aren't going to care ...because, surprise! they are dating other men! (and, trust me, they have far more opportunity there than you do). They won't know - or want to know - the other women you are dating ...and the only way they would know is if you told them.
BB - I wanna know where all these women who are dating loads of other men hang out. How do I get into that club?
Last edited by mitchell175; October 12,2011 at 8:11am. Reason: Really, I'd settle for one decent man...
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #29  October 12,2011, 8:19am
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has all the tools and can........satisfy

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mitchell175 wrote :
BB - I wanna know where all these women who are dating loads of other men hang out. How do I get into that club?
The Philly-South Jersey area.
Last edited by tweet37; October 12,2011 at 8:31am. Reason: C'mon down!
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #30  October 12,2011, 3:11pm
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tweet37 wrote :
The Philly-South Jersey area.

Or anywhere between the north pole and the south pole.
 
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